nakakainis ka.

naiinis ako.
bakit ba kasi may mga taong ganon?
akala mo kung sino kung makausap ka. maitim rin pala ang budhi tulad ng iba.

ang akin lang naman, kung may problema ka.
wag mong kimkimin. mas makakabuti kung mapaparating mo yan sa kinauukulan.
sa paraang objective. at hindi naman paninira diba?
tignan mo ngayon. ang maliit mong isyu ay ang laki na.

at naisip mo ba na hindi lang ikaw ang naapektuhan?
damay ang lahat dito. and obviously, walang win-win situation.
nabu-buwisit ako sayo. sa inyo. nag-iba na kasi ang lahat.
dati, sobrang bilib ako sa'yo. oo, mas sayo. sa mga bright at innovative ideas mo.
akala ko, nakahanap na ako ang taong nakakaintindi sakin.

okay ang philosophical at intellectual "intercourse" natin, as you put it.
pero ano na to ngayon? ano ka na? ano ang problema mo.
halatang meron kang mabigat na dinadala. nalulungkot ako.
na naiinis. gusto kong maiyak sa frustration.

hindi ko inaasahan ang lahat ng ito.
bakit iba na? iba na mula sa dati kong kinagisnan.
naiinis ako... Lord, bakit ganito?

six essential facts

yes, i am in the middle of my "productive hour" a. k. a. work
when my fleeting attention got to me. urged me to go on bloghopping.

getting the 6th-degree feel, i stumbled upon the blog of a friend of a friend's friend. a brief backgrounder: she's living a life that i dream. la vie en paris (some rusty french feel right there). i'm not about to yap about my parisian dream, but thoughts right below could be just as interesting. (especially now that i know that "more" people have discovered that this blog exists)

you say that you want to know me. well, grab your handy-dandy notebook and jot these things down...
six essential facts (about me)

fact 01: I (ALMOST) HAD DUAL CITIZENSHIP
born on april fools. back then, our life was at its prime. had almost everything imaginable. lived a life that was "more-than-enough" . would've been better if my folks decided to settle in the states prior my mom's delivery. but they thought that the Philippines had promise way back in the 80's so they opted to stay and build a family here instead. so much for altruism right? (well, i'm not entirely bitter. just one of those endless lists of would've been's:/ )

fact 02: I DO NOT EAT SQUID.
i think i should rephrase that. i do eat squid now. but, i used to not eat that rubbery delicacy. why? because i was told that it was a roachie. i was too young and gullible to believe that it was a cockroach. believe me, it was tough to thrust it down my throat. having to chew a piece for the nth time was tough altogether. and if it weren't for my present job and all the psyching that daddy dearest cost me, i wouldn't muster the courage to gobble a morsel to this day. turns out, that it's a delectable dish. suh-weet, especially when it's fresh from the "picking". pass me a plate a calamari, honey!:P

fact 03: I (THOUGHT) I HAD LESBIAN TENDENCIES.
you know when they say that birds of the same feather flock together. well, i was chummies with the "confused" way back 4th grade, and i did that in retaliation to my former chic-clique. i was in a male-dominated crowd, thought that i'd gel with them doing boyish stuff and all. seems like i just had an ulterior motive, my crush was there so it'd make things more convenient. tsk tsk. bata pa, ang landi ko na pala. chuckles.

fact 04: I ALMOST LOST MY LIFE (BEFORE I FINISHED PRIMARY SCHOOL).
i was eleven, and my days were numbered. i caught dengue and was told that i'd die in the next three days. no, i didn't fear for dear life. it was a sad experience, being young and not see your friends - no one even paid you a visit. not a single cousin peeked in to my room. my family (parents and sisters) were right behind me, and bunch of oldies - relatives, family friends, and more - made me feel i'm loved. but things would've been better if kids my age were there to feel for me and my situation. rumor has it that dengue was "contagious" (so that's why huh?) FYI, it takes a mosquito bite to get affected . and no, it's not through physical contact neither is it air-borne. but i understand that they're just after their children's welfare. that was a done deal, i'm obviously alive and kicking. so much for a near death experience right?

fact 05: I HAVE BEEN AN NBSB GIRL.
i'm not sure if i'd be proud of it or run to the nearest post and hide. why you might ask? well, you can say that maybe i'm just a commitment-phobe. hailing from traumatic almost-but-not-quites do get to me sometimes. and besides, sticking to just one guy (right now) is sooo mundane. kidding. i'd like to believe that getting to know the opposite sex in the bounds of friendship is a much more fun and exciting take. if you ain't cool with it, well, i guess you're not up in the running. survivor of the fittest? perhaps, but in a subdued way. you'll know when you know. funny thought though, i'm as clueless a blond bimbo. oopsie.

fact 06: I (MAY) HAVE ANOREXIC TENDENCIES.
i'm perennially in a struggle for weight loss. tried every diet technique out there - atkins, south beach, "seven-day diet", name them, i've practically mustered the will to earn some success from it only to "regain" all the weight some weeks after. sigh. so much for effort right? why am i risking my life in all these? because i'd like to be thin. lose all the weight and KEEP IT OFF. plain and simple (or is it?). you might say that "i'm not fat". well, i ain't THIN EITHER! i acknowledge that i do have weight issues. and that the best way to lose weight (AND KEEP IT OFF) is to couple that balanced diet w/ rigorous and consistent exercise. well, i'm trying to eat healthy for starters. exercise? i've had "plans"... BUT it's a struggle to be really consistent and all. determination is the key, and yes, it'd be better if you'd have a "fitness" buddy... care to join me, sweetie? :)

limbo: an attempt for definition

going off-tangent.
i cannot let this moment pass. without even processing the whole situation.
yes. the typical analyst wins the game.

tripartite being. i'd like to believe that we are that.
though we appear as "one". we are made of three varied beings, and they may not be all present in the physical realm. and wait, i'm not going into all that astrological or new age drama.
see yourself. body. soul. spirit.

"what is wrong with me?".
ah yes, that perennial question that rings my ear whenever.
and yes, it has still been unresolved.

in the hope to find the mecca in all these, i chose to slice the pie, instead of beading every sweat acting like the investigator in search of the most elusive clue.

"what is wrong with me?"

is it a heavy heart?
i've been experiencing countless palpitations. ever since i stepped into this job at faraway land.
is it because of stress? that you couldn't even remember to breathe anymore? hmmm. close but not quite.

heart. the heart being the operative word.
went to see a cardiologist some months back. and i was diagnosed to have stable angina. feels weird 'cos i know i'm too young to go see a heart doctor. i'm only twenny-three for crying out loud. went into that room full with people well-around their 60s maybe? took tests to check if i'm up in the running. turns out that. well, i'm okay. thank God. i guess, it's just stress. hmm. anxiety and all. and i do need to take a breather every once in a while. wish i could really find time to...

if it's not that then what could it be?
a heavy heart. the heart being the operative word.
funny how people can't seem to move on with their lives. and i'm not talking about myself here, missy.
i'm not acting on defense or what. it's just weird how people can be so in your nerves. asking questions as if the whole situation was still on its course. WHEN in fact, it WAS a done deal. a closed book. capiche?

can't we just move on with everything?
hello?!? can't you get the clear picture. he has his own life. running things smoothly on course.
so please, let's give it to him. and leave me out of their perfect scenario.

and besides, it's not like i don't have my own life to live.
the ocean is vast. i know that i am great catch. haha. my sweet time will come. :)
(i know that sounded so stuck up. forgive me. but it's a whole different story.)

"heart" issues. not much of a factor. then what could it be?

is it a disgruntled mind?
i know for a fact that i am so much of head person. been analyzing even the most minute of things.
yes, you might say that i am overdoing (them) errr overthinking. but that's how i am.

i've been saying "this". but i couldn't actually affirm it through actions.
until i've finally had to sit and talk it through with papa dearest. and yes, i can say that he did shed an insurmountable (amount of) light.
i've finally decided. FINALLY.
the "deadlines" were given the deadliest time.
i couldn't entirely speak much on it. mahirap na baka maudlot.
but in all these, i still pray for God to give me the peace in taking this giant leap...

hmm. that seemed to be settled? if it's not a disgruntled mind, so what's left? anymore botherings?

is it a weary spirit?
i do not mean to sound preachy.
but i can't take away this part of me (for the benefit of the agnostics or whoever).
since life began, i was raised to know of a Supreme Being and have established a personal relationship with Him. yes, all throughout the course of my existence.

this has been part of my personal successes. i know that i couldn't achieve much if not for God's grace:)
so what am i driving at? well, i just feel a tad bit disappointed at myself. why? for being spiritually complacent. i'm not much of a religious person, but i see me as being spiritual. and to me, those are two different things.

i know that spending quality time with my Creator is essential. but i can't seem to find time to.
spiels of "juan tamad" started. skipped a day of quiet time. slept through the other. and things grew and blew out of proportion.

today, i feel like i am a mess. :( but i shouldn't tolerate my deeds anymore.
this should be on top of my list. i know. i know that well. i know that perfectly well.
but what am i doing to heed to that issue? i can't just sit here. sort my thoughts then leave things hanging.
it takes one to know things, but it takes another to actually do something about it.

i should cut the slack and start stacking that new and revived me.
you can't be in "perfect" condition if your three varied beings aren't in sych. (body, soul, and spirit in tune)
and above all else, (you) should check on your spirit. it's that little voice inside you. wanting to be heard.

well, i've always heard mine... but i haven't really listened to her.
come to think of it, that piece i'm missing. it was just within.
and it took me this much time to actually realize that.
so sad:( but things are never too late.

i have to DO something about it. and i need to DO IT NOW.

limbo

sunday blunder
2.33 in the afternoon. i sit in front of "my" unit.
sorting my thoughts. assessing my feelings.
what is wrong with me?

... is it a heavy heart? disgruntled mind? weary spirit?
palpitating. because of the tumbler-sized tea i mustered all the way down my throat.
i feel like breaking into a tear. for a reason i still don't know.

i've been on a limbo for days i could no longer count.
days turned into weeks. weeks into months. then months...
thank God, didn't reach into years, JUST YET.

emo.
yes, you can say that i am. but this is more than the usual drama-rama.
and i'm not much of "drama queen" either. this emotional roller coaster's starting to get to me.

in ways. unusual ways. that i couldn't even fathom. (heaved a heavy sigh)

intermittent breakdowns.
i bawl. in the middle of the night. in the car. on my way to nowhere.
distant gazes. shivers. lips quiver. tears starting to leak. on the sides. shaken into nothingness.
silence. sheer silence. walls crumbled. and that was it for me. tears welling.
inner me cries out. cries her heart out. my old self yearns. calling out an SOS.
but i gave her no attention. no more time for drama. there are far more important things i need to do.

melancholia. could no longer keep it in. a total breakdown. in the middle of a group discussion.
embarrassment. i felt so flustered. comfortable strokes on my shoulder. tears welled even more.
questions flying everywhere. concerned people were trying to process the whole situation.
what is wrong with me?

still undefined. what could be the key? for "total" emancipation?

maybe. just maybe.
it's time for you to come home...

bigla akong napanganga...

kanina, ako ay sumaglit sa "mall" upang gumawa ng munting errand.
ay oo nga pala, ang bill ko sa celfone ay due na talaga.

kampante akong lumakad dahil alam kong meron akong sapat na halaga sa bulsa.
pagdating ko sa counter. nag-inquire ako sa binibining nakaluntian na blouse.
ingles pa nga e. sosy effect.

nagmagandang loob na rin akong nagbayad ng bill ng nakababata kong kapatid. deal namin yon.
ako ay naghintay ng ilang sandali. ayun, binigay na niya ang balance ng dalawang bills.

bill number 1: 0917***1513. balance til June 20: P1,ooo+++
ayos lang, ganyan naman talaga ang budget ko sa lumang sim ko. 1k halos buwan-buwan.

pero ang sumunod ang di ko kinaya...

bill number 2: 0917***1738. balance til June 20: P800
current amount incurred: P3,ooo+++

P3,ooo+++ huwaaatttt?!?
ito na yata ang pinakamalaking bill na babayaran ko.

literal na napa-huwaat?!? ako sa tapat ng lady cashier.
kung makikita niyo siguro ako, namumuti nako sa gulat.
susko. sa loob ng kulang-kulang na isang buwan ay umabot ng ganon kalaki ang bill ko?
patay ako sa mga magulang ko kapag nagkataon.

haaay. ayun, nasimot ang dala kong halaga.
may iilang barya pang natira. haaay. nagtira pa diba?

nararamdaman kong pagluluksaan ko ng ilang araw ang "pagnanakaw" na naganap.
hindi naman nila kasalanan.
naging kampante ako, at hindi nakapag-subscribe sa kanilang unlitxt promo. ayan tuloy.

lesson learned talaga.
susubukan kong mag-fasting sa pakikipagchikahan sa aking mga friends. boylets lalo.
goodluck talaga sakin. haaaay. kailan kaya ako magtatanda?


i had to learn the lesson the hard way.
it hurts sooo bad. i couldn't even think how i'd survive the next day. saan na ako kukuha ng pang-kain diba?
ang layo pa naman ng sweldo.

kawawang bata:(

for starters...

got this link from a "friend" (i swore that i won't tell a soul who)

My Lakbayan grade is C!

How much of the Philippines have you visited? Find out atLakbayan!

Created by Eugene Villar.

it's a cool site. knowing how well-traveled you've been or what.
thanks to my "work". i got to places i never thought i could reach.
next goal: hopping to the mindanao provinces.

and yeah, i once told myself that i'd go around the country (FIRST) before i step out and appreciate the "outside" world.

tama. mahalin muna ang sariling atin.

FOOT IN YOUR MOUTH

how are you feeling? exasperated.

how would you feel if people traced your "deepest darkest" secret?

it sucks. i feel like shrinking to the tiniest bit. vanished into thin air.
wala na. so much for my personal life.

funny thought though. why would i post things online and feel like this, knowing that certain people found out. and actually "entered" into my deepest thoughts.

bakit pako nagfo-forecast online? and leave things in exclusivity?
it's weird i know. well, i guess. i just can't situate myself right now. seeing them. having that knowing look. discovering the most personal things about me.

i know, i'm not much of a blabber. and i pour everything, as in EVERYTHING. in here...
i couldn't "trash" this blog. i've been doing this for the longest time. there's too much memories. i can't be that affected just because THEY discovered my "secret world"

NO CAN DO, PARE!
so what, if they've known.
well, that would make me even more famous. parang celeb.
people would want to know what's up with my hip and happening life.
(haha. that's the egoistic me, talking).

manigas kayo diyan!
if this would make you happy, go ahead and suit yourself.

buhay ko to! go ahead and live your own too.

enough said.

APOLOGIES

Prelude:

OHMY. i didn't realize that doing a blog transfer would flood you with updates. My apologies. Huhuhuhu. I feel like disappearing now. Shucks, i know just how it feels to check your "My Multiply" page, only to find that a specific person has flooded the thread with a whole lot. And as weird as it seemed. I JUST DID THE SAME THING.

I'm ssssoooooooooooooo sorry. believe me. I DEEPLY AM

if this would easen things. got a survey from

2. Shortest relationship:
- "relationship" was good for 2 months?

3. How many boyfriends/girlfriends have you said "I Love You" to and meant it?
- i'm not even sure if i'd said that and meant it.

4. Have you ever loved someone so much that it hurts?
- have i?

5. Have you ever made a "boyfriend" or girlfriend cry?

- yes.

6. Are you happier single or in a relationship?

- The single life has been good to me! :D ----> ME TOO! :o) - me three.

7. Have you ever been cheated on?
- hmmm. i guess.

8. Have you ever broken someone's heart?
- hahaha. tsk tsk.

9. Talk to any of your ex(es)?
- i talk to them. we're all good friends. honest.

10. If you could go back in time andchange things so you could still be with one of your ex(es), would you?
- no. it was a done deal.

11. Think any of your ex(es) feel the same way?
- maybe. but we're happy that we remained friends :D

12. Do you regret anything that you have done with a boyfriend or girlfriend?

- yeah. it's sad that i broke someone's heart. but that's life. haha.

13. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?
- it depends. - i agree.

14. Believe in love at first sight?
- no. it's just ridiculous. - i second the motion.

15. Ever dated two people at the same time?
- if those were "dates".. maybe i did. unintentionally. hehe.

16. Ever been given an engagement ring?
- no. :o) - but iwasthisclose to having one?

17. Do you want to get married?
- yes. - of course i do!

18. Do you have something to say to any of your ex(es)?
- i'm so happy for you! :o) (no hint of sarcasm whatsoever, i promise :o) )

19. Ever stolen someone's boyfriend or girlfriend?
- never. but that's tempting. joke lang. no talaga.

20. Ever liked someone else's boyfriend or girlfriend?
- don't we all? hahahaha.

21. Does heartbreak really feel as bad as it sounds?
- the first few days, weeks or whatever, yeah it did suck. but i learned a lot :o) - I SO AGREE!

down under

in reverie. just when i thought i lost some of my files.
here comes some of thoughts revived. read on.
(if you're interested. apologies for the eyestrain.)

status: single since birth

"may boyfriend ka na ba?"


i just get a little irked whenever people ask me this question... especially when it comes from boys.
bakit ba??? oo na! single na kung single. it's my choice, and i'm loving it! - i know, i sounded defensive.

how should i put this..
i'm NOT a man-hater. i looove boys!!! it's just that i don't see myself in a serious relationship right now.
i remember some guy telling me this, "wala kang boyfriend kasi takot ka sa commitment."
to think that he hasn't seen me in a long time. can people really tell if someone is afraid of commitments???

just a thought. am i sending a "vibe" that i can't handle any of those serious things related to boy-girl relationships??
as pathetic as it may seem, i would like to believe that is half-true:(

i couldn't actually picture myself being soo lovey-dovey with someone.
kadiri! haha.

PDA is so not my thing! - oopsie, wag magsalita ng tapos...
maybe i'm just a bit cynical because i haven't really gotten into a serious relationship.
don't get me wrong, i had my shot(s) at love.. but it didn't really last and i was young then.

shot # 1: may gatas pa sa labi

i was young then.
12 and in 6th grade.. i didn't know what i was doing. he was my bestfriend and became my "boyfriend".. out of pity. it was a wrong move. the relationship didn't last. but our friends told me that he had loved me so dearly. i didn't feel the same way. i transferred school. we lost touch. he had a lot of girlfriends after me. but he still tried to stay in touch, and was very vocal about rekindling our "friendship". i shut the door. declined every offer he had made. i'm sorry. but that book has been closed a long time ago.

after some years, someone new came into my life...

shot # 2: what might have been..

i was the new kid at school.
didn't have much friends at first.
i saw him. he was out of my league. he liked a friend of mine, since he was in 5th grade.
they were an "item". i tried to get close to him by teasing them. it was fun, him not knowing that i like him.
come our sophomore year. his feelings for my friend started dwindling. and he saw me in a different light.
i didn't know how to react. he started calling me at home. tried to get to know me more.
it became our weird saturday routine. feelings have unfolded. yet he acts rather peculiar when we're in school, it's as if he doesn't know me.
he likes me, i like him.. the feelings we have are mutual. everyone at school started to notice. onlookers thought we were an "us". but we weren't. this lasted until senior year. our friends thought that we would eventually be a "couple".... but things turned out differently.

oh well... people change, feelings fade away. the memories i've had with him are kept in a special place. there were no hard feelings. we're now close as we'll ever be. he's my confidante, i am his. come to think of it, that was all i wanted.. to be his bestfriend.. and nothing more.

he now lies happily in someone else's arms, while i still await for my white knight to come...

i thought i already saw him coming...

shot # 3: could it be him?

i didn't get involved with anyone during my college years. i guess i was just too contented with my being carefree. enjoying life with my friends. single and loving it.

well, i did have crushes. crush ko pa nga si Varsity Boy ng Maroons. (teka lumilihis na tayo.) oh well.

a few months after graduation, i got a job in an international NGO. it was an awesome break for me, but it came with a catch. i got deployed to a faraway land. away from my family, from my friends, and the civilization that i've grown accustomed to.

i thought i couldn't survive in the suburbs. but it was truly surprising that i'm enjoying every day of my stay. and i saw the nature of my work exhilirating. with all this workmode running, i didn't recognize that someone was seeing me in a different light. itago natin siya sa pangalang Mickey Dee, at hindi siya Chinese.

he was one of the few people at work you first approached me and made me feel that i was part of this new "family". i didn't assume that he had ulterior motives. akala ko, friendly lang talaga siya. he would constantly check on me. send me SMS's, call me every now and then just to say "goodnight" or ask how my day was. signs of him being interested was written all over, yet i didn't want to add color to any of it.

he tried to invite me to dinner. and i joined him. it was then i saw him in a different light. may sense pala siyang tao. that night marked a significant day to our "friendship". we didn't tell our colleagues that we were starting to get close, but they somehow read the signs. the awkwardness that we have with each other. and they've quickly identified, "bagay talaga sila."

sa madaling salita, nahulog talaga ang loob namin sa isa't-isa. okay na sana ang lahat kaya lang may catch. may girlfriend siya, pero nandon si gf sa civilization while he's here in the suburbs.

pwede niyong masabi na, "edi mas maganda, convenient yan sa inyo na long distance ang relasyon nila." oo nga, the set-up looked too tempting, but i can't seem to bring myself to jump in and grab the opportunity.

kahit ganon, we remained friends. we constantly had bonding sessions na in reality ay"dates" naman talaga. at habang nagkaka-opportunity kaming magkakilala, mas tumatatag ang feelings niya para sa akin. hanggang dumating ang araw na hindi ko na kinaya, at kinompronta ko na siya.

i wrote him a 13-pager. sa haba ng sulat na yon, iisipin mo nang ilathala at ipasa bilang short story. i poured out my every thought in that letter. lahat ng feelings ko, i've opened a part of me that he never knew. i did that not to win him, but i felt that it was necessary. it's unfair for the three of us (ako-siya-at si gf) for things to go on. we should all be responsible, oo nga, love triangle ito. love triangle na kung di maayos ay may tatlong taong masasaktan at madedehado. i sent that epic-like letter to him on valentines. talk about perfect timing.

months passed, i didn't receive a response from him. i somehow felt deceived. parang lugi ata ako that i divulged. then one night, a middleman talked to me, serious mode niyang sinabi na "kakausapin ako ni Mickey Dee". alas! the final confrontation came.

that night was rather confusing. the weather was calm. perfect for an evening date. he brought me to the beach to talk. there we rekindled our moments. happy, sweet, funny, basta lahat-lahat. then he finally dropped the bomb, he gave his thoughts on the letter i gave him. he uttered silly nothings. oo, kinikilig nga ako nung mga panahong iyon. it was the night he told me that he really loved me ever since. "awww" moment ko to. pero there's this part in me saying that there's something else. ayun na, he said that he really wanted to get married. he wanted me to be his wife. but he had a strong feeling that i would decline. i thought he was just joking when he asked me that question, i mean, it was the farthest thing from my mind. i'm too young to get married. i'm 22, and there are still a lot of things i want to discover.

so ayun, alam kong kating-kati na siyang magpakasal. i'm sorry but our priorities weren't aligned, sweetie. maari mong masabi na ang laki kong tanga para pakawalan ang isang tulad niya. pero hindi. sa madaling salita, si Mickey Dee ay kasal na ngayon sa magaling niyang girlfriend at 5-months pregnant na. baby boy ang anak nila.

pero bakit ganon? parang di ko siya nakikitang tunay na masaya? parang may regret? hindi pa kasi siya talagang handa na magkapamilya. in short, ang kasalang iyon ay naganap dahil ang gf niya ay buntis na. ayun, lahat ay wrong-timing. i came in the picture at the wrong cue, and this brought confusion to their story. masasabi mo ba akong kontrabida? i beg to differ, i did the right thing even if it meant that i'd have to give way.

so much for my forsaken life. aack, quit the pity party. let's say that i'm a "woman" of principle.

... so, mabalik tayo sa tanong na.... "bakit wala ka pa ring boyfriend?"
let's just say, i'd rather wait for God's best than go through another heart-wrenching love story. i'm in no hurry. i believe that my time will come. patience is a virtue, ika nga.
some say it's fate, others claim it's destiny. let's leave it at that. love unfolds before you when it's due.

(haha. nakakapagod. believe me. but what can i do? the little-idealistic-me just keeps on winning the battle. but yeah, just the same, there are more stories left untold...)

11th of May. On guard.

i know. this may come as a shock to you.but because of our morning discussion, i just felt like writing this email as a form of reaction to everything said and told. o diba, may difference ba yun?

anyway, nakakatamad kasing magreply sa text. ang sakit sa kamay. mega-explain diba? and yeah, this one, you could keep if you want. iprint mo pa para remembrance. haha. feeling. anyway, it seemed pretty obvious that i'm digressing from my main objective.

i'll try to keep things as concise as possible so that you wouldn't be that hassled in reading everything.

when i woke up this morning, and saw that i had a morning message. checked who it was, and alas, it was you. it was one of those "special and personalized" greetings. well, the "theme" was the usual, but then again, it gave a smile on my face coz the gesture was sweet altogether.

oo, for your benefit. mukhang may natural ka ngang ka-sweetan. and again, i admit na malambing ka nga. natatawa ako kapag binabara kita about it. tapos hihiritan moko ng ganon. parang hirap na hirap kang mag-explain. it's not that i laugh at your suffrage, but the whole thought of it was in itself funny.

just the same, na pinagtatawanan mo ang mga quirky moments ko. hindi ko mafigure-out kung bakit siya funny. ultimo mga irap and stuff, how did that become funny? haha. oh well, ang masasabi ko lang ay, mag-ingat ka. kasi baka madala ka sa psychiatric ward kapag may nakahuli sayo na bigla na lang natatawa at napapangiti ng walang dahilan. i guess, your memory bank of me (ang kapal diba) is almost full to the brim. when you state facts and evidences of even the smallest of scenarios, i wanted to shrink. why? because it's embarrassing. i didn't realize that everything i did had sortof left a mark. i'm not sure if its considered flattery, but it sort of makes me feel uncomfortable. i know that it's not intentional, and your just stating the obvious (well, at least for you, it is). siguro, i just have to learn to take things coolly.

i remember a guy friend saying, "diba dapat sanay ka na sa mga hirit from boys". (kasi nahiritan rin niya ako, kwento ko na lang 'to next time. a whole different story) well, i'm not sure when i'll really learn to take things well. siguro may dahilan rin talaga yung di ko naiinternalize lahat. but coming from you kasi, na ang dami na nating pinagsamahan. i know that you're not out there to play tricks on me. we started as friends, and thank God we still are. so why would i make such a big fuss out of this diba? siguro, i just wanted to make things clear. when people ask me about our situation. i tell them that we are friends. as showbiz as it may sound, but we are naman talaga diba? well, yes, there's this obvious fact that you have something. but oh well, why would we build on that? nasabihan rin ako na, "why don't you consider gettting in a relationship with him?" well, i guess, di ko talaga yan iniisip. and besides, i'm not even sure if i'm willing to take such a risk. baka mamaya, things would be different between us. and i wouldn't want that. and if we'd bank on the thought of it, baka mailang lang ako altogether. pero diba, as we've discussed this earlier, i was weirded out, with myself predominantly, because i suddenly learned to be civil with "them" instead of running the other direction. i would like to believe that everything is a learning process.

are you getting anything from this? coz i'm not even sure if i'm still on the right track. words just seemed to come out. and i couldn't filter them, let alone organize these blurbs. ang sinasabi ko lang ay, na-aappreciate ko yung mga kwento mo, ung mga scenarios na sinasabi mo. things that i never realized had an inch of impact in your life. minsan nga, nahihiya ako kasi ang lupit ng memory mo. minsan naiisip ko, "shucks. pati ba yung mga yun, naaalala pa niya." and i want to be honest, yung mga ibang kwento mo, di ko na natatandaan. you have a knack for details (tinalo mo ako. hehe.) and i admire you for that. grabe, pag nagka-girlfriend ka. super mamahalin ka non. kasi girls are into details diba? so the chance of you fighting over little things would be close to none. (congrats sayo!) o diba, inimagine ko na ang future mo. i'll help you pray that you'd meet her. in God's time. be optimistic, someone has been destined for you, just seek God first:) i thank God for our friendship. at kahit ilang beses ko pang sabihin yun, i'm sure that it wouldn't be enough. thanks for your life. for making me realize that being real close friends with boys is plausible. you just have to learn to guard each other's hearts.

parang kung saan-saan na napunta ang pinagsasabi ko. basta, siguro, ganito na lang. if you think what you'd say would make me "freeze" or go into a "stoic stance", don't say it na lang. (or regulate it kung di mo kayang wag sabihin) i'm not being a hypocrite ha, it feels good to get words of affirmation every once in a while. pero kasi if we'd do that all the time, we're not guarding each other's hearts. basta, you weigh things before you say them. imagine-in mo how i'd react. kasi gugulo ang sitwasyon natin. you know how much i analyze things. and if you care about my disposition, you wouldn't cause too much headaches. haha. joke lang. but, for all it's worth... i appreciate the sincere words that you say. thank you for your kind words. i know that it's not flattery, but facts vented. salamat for your honesty.

you take care, my dear friend. live life. keep up the fight!>:D<