"aray!"

just another day. or so i thought.

on my usual weekday. oh, left the house earlier than usual by the way.
witnessed another chunk of the rush hour. stressed? nah.
robotic routine. everything seemed too calculated.
what's taking the train so long? tip tappin.
people started to crowd the plank. gotta to take that seat.

mind traverses. people watching. keenly observing some.
nosy. nosy me, as usual.
an oddly loud, "aray!" startled my quiescence.
an old lady probably got hurt. duh, people were cramped like sardines in this (mr)tincan.
now, tell me if your personal bubble won't burst?!? invasion of privacy.
and if that's not enough, someone old man quipped. "aray? tell that aray to gloria!"

hmmm. quite a handful right there. people are so irate nowadays.
acting like berserks over petty, very trivial things.
and i can't blame them...
what an early dose of the vitamin P(olitics)?!?!!


"aray?" tell that to gloria.
and oh, thanks for the sucky ride.
for crying out loud, can you do something about it?!?!?!
(i really, really hope this doesn't dissipate into thin air)

"foot-in-mouth"

how do you take back words you've said?

how can you?

sigh

i bruise easily.















literally.

ewww, right?!?

it is written

"when you're destined for something,
no one... nothing can take it away from you."



harsh (life's) realities. sordid dispositions.
effed up situations. traumatic flashbacks.
... seemed like you're losing ground.

spark of hope. fight for your right.
stand your ground. believe.
... things would come around.

life may be a series of unfortunate events.
a puddle of "mud". sinking sand. no way out.
but press on, HE knows what's ahead of us.
a quirky little surprise, right before our very eyes.

believe. (D:) IT IS WRITTEN.


indeed, "God is great!" - salim k. malik



Yeah. yeah. yeah. it's a happy ending after all.
but it's a great film altogether. come on, i know you liked it! ^^
(i heart heart heart HEART HEART our weekend dvd trips!!!)

(s)talk

(he) walks by. in your direction.
is this for real?!?
so near, yet so far.
(you) could catch a whiff of his scent.
so neat and well-kept.
(his) watch says, 8:52. running late.
could've taken a cab. thank God you didn't.

(he's) in your vantage point.
tried hard not to stare. awkwardly, eyes met.
you acted innocently. (or did you?) thoughts run in your head.
could this be real?!? it's so surreal.
anxiety attacks. (shoot) you're running late.
don't panic. seize the moment. a rare chance.
oops. you're staring again. look the other way.

is this for real? could this be real? is HE for real?
aaack. you're overthinking. you.better. stop it.
oh. there's his stop. crap.
toodles. see you again. some other time. (tomorrow, i hope. haha!)

*poof*

i had the weirdest dream,
so vivid and lucid.
everything was so fluid,
yet solid at the same time.
things seemed to fit,
they all fell into place.

that weird kind of peace,
faintest hint of trouble.
what does this all mean, i asked.

(clock) alarmed.
*poof* it became koko krunch!

happened between the 27th and 28th

up a notch or two

((yesterday))

it caught my eye, among the stack
an upgraded version
gawked at it endlessly
examined its every feature
secretly hoping it IS mine
"when will it be mine...
will it ever be mine?"

((today)) on a more solemn note
sfx: dramatic song playing ala loving yours...

2009 just started
and i've intermittently heard
news of death. families, bereaved
loved ones crossing the bridge
to an after life
makes me realize
how life is uncertain
pause for a moment,
heave a prayer of peace and comfort
may God bless their souls...

((tomorrow))

is saturday. the day after friday.
just stating the obvious.
i heart weekends!

I say: get back to work!!!!!!!!!

random thought x: emoment

dark clouds hovering.
thoughts whirr.
head thuds.
migraine attack!

life ahead, daunting.
heart palpitates.
chest tightens.
hyperventilate.

uncertainty looming.
distressed.
redirecting.
hope glimmers...


(i say: "say what? emo-moment right there. pffft. let the cycle stop.")

deciphering me

when i feel life is effed up.
or i seem at a lost.
in constant search.

i know that there's a Greater Being, watching me.
Holding my life in His Great Hands. Waiting. waiting.
With utter patience, He's leading me back to His path...
___________________________________________

"Friend, it's getting late, we should be going
We have sat here beneath these flickering neons for hours.
While I am cracking their code, you are deciphering me
For I am a mystery, I am a locked room in a tall tower.

Oh can you feel the gravity falling, calling us home?
Oh did you see the stars colliding? Shining just to show,
We belong.
We belong.

Your telescope eyes see everything clearly
My vision is blurred but I know what I heard
Echoing all around.
Well I am telling you and you are deciphering me.
Not such a mystery, not such a faint and far away sound.

Oh can you feel the gravity falling? Calling us home?
Oh did you see the stars colliding? Shining just to show,
We belong.
We belong.

Its love, its love that holds us
We will be alright

Its truth, its truth that shows us
As we walk in this life."


Artist: Brooke Fraser
Album: Albertine (2006)
Song: Deciphering Me

requisite year-end post (and i know this came a tad late)

i know i'm such an emo.
and no, i don't mean those in tight pants, striped pull-overs, chucks or skimmers. in heavy eyeliners, disheveled hair kind of people we see that increase in blown proportions.

emo. as in, emotional.
one minute your happy, irritated the next, then sullen afterwards.
am i turning into a looney? i hope not.

but i know that i do have mood swings. and i almost threw a fit on the day 2008 meets 2009.
how great can that get?

thank God, i got spared from my own personal drama.
i am such a drama queen. and i know that people are just trying their best to put up with me, and i'm just soooo grateful that they could do that.

i know that i'm a difficult person to deal with, but still, God has blessed me with loved ones and friends who patiently stood by my side. thanks for always, always lending an ear - spending loads of your time trying to dissect life's situations with me. i heart you for doing that, it's a pretty tough job though...

thanks for sticking up with my unpredictabilities - if there's such a thing.
it's hard to be too volatile, erratic, unconventional, it's hard to be me.
i sometimes feel like giving up on myself and my complexities. me and my overanalytic frame. it's tiring. and i know that i don't need to convince you, otherwise.

basta, i'm super grateful for everyone who came close enough to see the real emo me.
as embarrassing as it may sound, i'm so touched for going through all the effort. promise.

i thank God for always putting me back on track. i know that i've been pretty much on a rollercoaster, but He's always helped me stay on top of things... and He's used people to make me realize that.

well, i just pray that this year would be less of a drama. i want to try to be sunnier this time!
^^

toss and turn

feeling troubled :/

is my life in a blur?


a ghost from the past made its presence felt.

current "events" in this new world are hazy. shady even.
you know something they don't. a secret feared to be told.

future is distant. elusive yet gripping.
anxiety attacks.


"Lord, i know you have a Grand Scheme.
Help me stick by it. when will things be clear?"


aack. you just let a day slip... just like that.
what a waste.

wreaked havoc

clock said it's past 5pm, almost 6. time for you to go.
got up and fixed your things. like a usual, after office routine.
head out to the door. talking nonsense to an officemate.
talked about bags, usual girly stuff.

then you saw a familiar face. your eyes met.
heaved a heavy sigh. it was all in your head.
fortunate coincidence? was it one?
tried to act nonchalant.
held your umbrella. as if preparing for battle.
soft drizzles were out.

crossed the street. to take the jeep.
was standing on the curb ahead of you.
oblivion. traveling alone.
awkward silence. two-person distance.
(his) obvious effort to make conversation.
(your) abrupt replies. long moments of silence.

where have all the jeepneys gone?
insanely long hours of waiting for one.
atmosphere tense. acted as if estranged.
heard something. someone. calling you out.
looked around. looked ahead. onlookers.

"nosy people". watching your every move.
entertaining? made-up stories. plot thickens. in their heads.
don't stress. let things be. why are you acting antsy?
thank God a jeep arrived. head out for the front seat.
was it a wrong move? twas a better one, a safer option.

veered from plausible intrigues. though harmless ones.
it's been days since the encounter. moments (still) recanted on hours end.
entertaining? at first it was. bothering? a little more on this end.
must resist analyzing. must resist guilt-tripping. must resist.
it was a coincidence after all. no biggie right there.

over thinking. you're curved to do that.
chill. breathe. shake thoughts out. clear your head.
go with the "flow"? let them be.
do checkpoints. know where you stand.

wreaking havoc? recipe for disaster? don't go there.
don't you ever learn? just stay where you are.
stay. there.

chasing pavements.

Should I give up,
Or should I just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere,
Or would it be a waste?
Even If I knew my place should I leave it there?
Should I give up,
Or should I just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere...


(c) adele. chasing pavements. universal music ltd.

worldview

worldview.
pananaw ng isang tao sa mundo.
ideology. life principles.

what you know. what drives you. mix them together.
your own definition of the world. grown and bred since you were little.
existential chunks. anything philosophical and what not. spilling to your life's reality.

leafing through notes of my philo class?
not.

i've always dreamt of meeting someone.
who could read through me.
catch my drift.

connection? yun ba yun?
worldview.
a dire necessity.

...

masaya pero mali :|

ako ay... confused.

nagkaron na ba kayo ng moment kung saan nararamdaman niyo ang panandaliang saya? oo, yung magaan na pakiramdam. (in english: light, warm, and fuzzy feeling). kahit na mababaw lang, parang may malalim na impact siya?

tapos bigla mong mari-realize na may mali. sablay. at pilit mong gigisingin ang sarili mo. back to rationalizing. think of the repercussions. think. think. think. THINK.
(*toink* gising ka na!)

alam kong maiintindihan mo ako kung head person ka.
haaaay. bakit kaya ganito...

may tao bang likas na magnet sa mga bagay na masaya pero mali?

Dear God

Lord,

why do i feel empty in my deepest depths?
why do i feel like crying, giving away tears?

i cannot explain myself again.
Lift me up, Lord.

I know that things work for the good of those who love You.
sustain me...

random thought (insert number here)

"why does the world stop every time this man is in the ring?"

today, he bagged another title. buckets of money go along with it. he made the "Filipinos proud" then again.

i know i should feel the same. share the joy whatsoever. well, yeah, he made a mark for our country. so what? marami pa rin naman ang nagugutom. walang trabaho. tumataas pa rin ang gasolina. kurakot pa rin ang gobyerno...

congrats, PACMAN.

wherever the wind takes me...

(photo: a memie of my thenlife at faraway land...)

"a seed planted. nurtured for growth, to bear fruit and be planted again...

a wave tossed in the ocean, set out in the world..."

call me idealistic, but i believe in a Maker Who crafts a grand scheme for everyone Who believes in Him...


things we do on a daily basis are tiny steps into that bigger picture. no matter how mundane it may seem. decisions we make can cause drastic changes into our being. it takes a whole lot of courage to succumb our self-made plans to Someone we do not see... but it feels far better to know that there's Someone bigger ahead of us, willing to prepare our paths, IF ONLY, we are willing to let Him...

i'd like to believe that God has placed me here for a purpose. (and no, i'm not gonna backtrack into my life. i might bore you to sleep...). Funny how, in retrospect, i see the link of one life experience into another...

Why I didn't die of dengue when I was eleven. Why He allowed me to study in that university, finishing off a four year-course in Child Development. Why He gave my parents the go-signal for me to set off to faraway land to work [so faaarrr from home]... and finally, Why He gave me peace in resigning from there only to find out an almost similar "scenario"...

...was because He intended me to work in the same field, but this time "closer" to home with a more directed purpose... reaching out to the marginalized. dealing with their holistic growth. I always tried to seek for that missing piece in everything i did the past two years. God planted that desire in my heart. And it can't be put out... it's exciting to know that kids learn more about their Maker and build a personal relationship with Him... To acknowledge that they need God and that they're nothing without Him. Seeing them grow up with a nurtured bond with Him gives much more meaning to the holistic growth we opt to achieve.

[As Curriculum Specialist] I know that I was given a task so big, but I have God Who would help me through. I am truly overwhelmed with my new role and responsibility. I even thought i was inept for this new post... but i was shaken by the fact that I was prepared for this and that I am not alone. My Maker is with me every step of the way.

The life i live now is not a spurt, out of the blue. It was carefully crafted, a plan to prosper me and not harm me. I wasn't brought here, tossed by the wind... I was planted by God's beautiful hands to pursue His plan and to bear fruit...

washed out

Photos: (top) the port in one of our river communities (bottom) boats are used to hop from house to house, some places have worse scenarios. :/

"Today, i thank You, Lord, for keeping me safe.
Forgive me if I was ranting about dripping ceilings and flooded floors.
When my brothers and sisters out there were homeless.
Their shacks washed out by the swollen rivers.

Lord, make the rain go away.
We've already had so much..."

i'm taking it back :|

when it rains, it pours...
i remember ranting about the ceaseless rains we've had here at faraway land.
(and how it turned out that i ate a meager meal because of it... review feb 15 blog)
it was rude of me to have said that. sheer apathy. how insensitive of me. :(

weekend passed and i began grasping information on damages caused by the week-long rain.
thousands were affected. houses shoved by the riverflow, straight out to sea. countless were homeless. all they have left is their mere lives. ricefields turned into seabed as rivers swelled.
i saw some of with my own eyes, the devastation was spine-tingling.

and there i was ranting about wet feet, soaked in flood. dripping ceiling turning my foam into waterbed, while some are out there in the cold, with nothing to eat, heck, they don't even have homes anymore.

how could i be so shallow. and selfish. my demeanor was saddening.
so i'm taking every awful word i said. i should have known better.

FYI. click on the stories below

This one's as of today:

East Samar now under state of calamity

Authorities in Eastern Samar province have declared a state of calamity after continuous rains that have triggered floods and landslides killed at least five persons and affected more than 10,000 families. Flash floods and landslides still loom over Bicol and Eastern Visayas.

For full story, pls click on: http://www.gmanews.tv/story/81164/E-Samar-under-state-of-calamity-toll-at-5

Got this one yesterday:

Landslides, floods isolate Eastern Samar

Representative Teodulo Coquilla of the lone district of Eastern Samar also reported that farmlands in his hometown of Oras and the municipalities of Dolores, Can-avid, Jipapad and Taft in the northern part of the province were flooded after rivers swelled.

For full story, pls click on: http://newsinfo.inquirer.net/breakingnews/regions/view/
20080218-119660/Landslides-floods-isolate-Eastern-Samar

thank God, we're okay. though trapped...