From my little black book...

Garbled a year or two ago, i think.

I wrote:

Hey, it's been a while...

I practically thought this line got cut.

'twas weird altogether,

things picking up speed

then a sudden halt.

Who ended what?

Uncertainties loomed

Paralyzed us even

Who's gonna flinch,

move by the inch?

Hey, look...

we're back at square one.

Start clean, as things began.

On my most favorite of days...

If there's a day in a year I secretly dread, it's V-day.

I know I've written countless accounts, rants about this "special" day.

but hey, things can turn around right?

Well, V-day is not only for lovers and kishy-kishy couples.

Friends can show love on this day too, right?

And that's what my friend from the States did.

She's the sweetest. Well, she's the head of our team at work.

In fact, she's my International counterpart. And having her come over the country was a cool experience, and it built closer ties between us.

That's why I was so surprised that she sent me a V-day gift.

I'm not a fan of fluffy things, but this one was cute, it sang a quirky song.

And as a sign of gratitude, I sent her this card.

And as a reply, she tagged me on this photo...

She really is the sweetest. We still keep in touch, outside work-related stuff, that is.

[ Oh, for the record, I gave the singing bear to my 6-year old cousin coz she really liked it.

So, thank for making the both of us happy, MA! :) ]

isang tagpo, ika-16 ng Setyembre 2010

akalain mong ang kailangan mo lang pala ay huminga ng malalim, at lunukin ang lahat ng alintana upang makarating sa paruroonan.

"ganon lang pala kadali?" ang sambit niya, "bakit pinatagal ko pa?"

"diba, ilang steps lang hindi mo pa magawa..." dugtong ng kasama.

"kasi natakot ako," sabay hinga, "ikaw kaya ang maging guilty, sa tingin mo, kaya mo ba?"

dalawang magkaibigang pawang nagtatalo na hindi maintindihan. pawang isang nanumbalik na ugnayang nawala kamakailan lang.

"sana maayos na ito..." paulit-ulit niyang hinihiling, sa kanyang mga pabulong na panalangin.

"sana maayos na, hindi na yata nararapat na ito'y patagalin pa. anong gagawin ko? lahat na ng bagay ay nagawa ko na..."

(lahat? sigurado ka bang lahat? pero sa dulo ng kanyang pag-iisip, may isa pang bagay na naghihintay na makamit)

natapos ang mga araw, gabi, mga lingo ng tulirong isipan. natanggap niya sa sariling maaaring hindi na manumbalik ang kinagisnan.

mapait, pero maaaring maging makatotohanan. prepare yourself for the worst. yan ang naglalaro sa isipan ngunit di mo pa rin maikukubli na siya ay umaasang maayos rin ang lahat.

umaasa. umaasa na sa bawat paraan, merong tugon na nakaambang. binubuksan. binubuksan ang sarili sa sakit na kakabit ng bawat hakbang.

ang mga lingo ay naging buwan. buwan? umabot na ng buwan? tila may boses sa kanyang kaibuturan na nais nang mapakawalan.

wag mo nang palampasin ang araw na ito. gawin na ang dapat gawin.

sa kanyang pag-iisa, muli siyang bumulong ng isang hiling, "Lord, bigyan mo ako ng hudyat, at ano ang aking sasabihin..."

pagbalik niya sa kanyang silya, pawang may mensaheng nakaambang, "wag mo nang patagalin. gawin na ang dapat gawin"

napapikit na lamang siya. at tinuon ang kanyang paa."this is it," sambit sa ulo niya. isang hakbang. dalawa at nakatatlo pa.

pilit niyang iniabot ang munting tangan sa mga kamay.

"ano yan?", pawang nagtataray, may pagtatakang sambit ng kanyang kasama.

"wala lang... sorry", kasabay ng huling pantig pumatak ang unang matabang luha.

kasabay ng mga luha, unti-unting nabasag ang pader na tila nakahambalang sa kanilang dalawa.

pawang may isang magnetic force na nagdikit sa magkaibigan, mahigpit na yakapang sinundan ng tawanan.

"wag ka ngang umiyak, baka sabihin nila inaaway kita..."

"bakit ba? hayaan muna!"

sabay punas ng kanilang mga mata. muling nagyakap ng mahigpit, at tumawa. pawang mga loka-loka.

kapatawaran. kapatawarang matagal na niyang inaasam.

katahimikan. katahimikang nabasag at tuluyang nadurog sa kawalan.

pasasalamat. pasasalamat sa Diyos sa kalakasan, tibay ng loob na ituloy pa ang "laban".

pagkakaibigan. pagkakaibigan na tunay ngang kay halaga't puno ng lubos na pagmamahalan.

pagmamahalan na sa kabila ng mga pasakit ay taos-puso pa ring dumadaloy sa kanilang mga buhay.

minsan kahit anong paghahanda pa ang isip-isipin, pagpa-planong nais mong gawin, may mga bagay talagang nangyayari sa mga di inaasahang pagkakataon. pagkakataon na pawang Diyos lang ang may tugon.

minsan hindi ang mga sulat o salita ang sagot o di kaya'y solusyon. kailangan ng aktibong pagkilos upang ang lahat ng ito'y matapos.

ang pagtayo. paghakbang. pag-abot ng kamay. pagyakap ng mahigpit. ang pagpatak ng luha. ang muling pagyakap. ang tawanan.

ang mga naging saksi ng kapatawaran. pero higit sa lahat ang pag-ibig na nasa puso ng magkaibigan, para sa isa't-isa, at sa Manlilikha ang muling nagbuklod at nagpatamis ng samahan.

tunay ngang walang huli para sa Kanya, Siya lang ang nakakaalam ng lahat ng bagay. hinihintay niya lang na tayo ay sumunod, tahakin ang lahat mula sa unang hakbang.

unang hakbang patungo sa isang tagpo noong ika-16 ng Setyembre, ang araw ng panunumbalik ng masasayang kwentuhan, "iyakan at dramahan", tawanan at mga nalalabing sandali ng dalawang magkaibigan..

history does repeat itself....

i tried to "forget" the whole ordeal, but i guess, it'd just resurface until we both decide to call it quits.

reached out through ways i know how, but i can't force myself to get that "favorable" response. with all due respect, i accepted your decision to keep mum.

been away for about a couple of weeks and more days in counting. some say it's the best time to let it simmer. but still uncertainty looms on the day of my return.

for some weird reason, i rummaged into mementos. gahd, we've had some "history". i can't take away the fact that we are the closest of friends. that's why it hurts sooo bad.

i just hope (and pray) that days would be brighter. i can't bring myself to carry this rift.

for what it's worth, i want you to know that i still hold you dear to me.

if only the wind can take this whole thing away... how good is it to think that as we wake up, we'll never remember "that day" ever happened.

but sigh, those things only happen in fairy tales...

when surreal things seemed so real...

it's odd.
i dreamt of you after x number of years.

didn't even know how i got into the picture.
twas like a bizarre scene from a movie that just popped out, unexplained.
the plot. the proverbial meet ze famille.
twas weird altogether.

there was this falling out bit. it pinched my heart.
but wasn't as immense as i remembered.
it's as if i couldn't care less...

could this be a premonition?
a "formal" goodbye? maybe...

just when i thought things were crystal clear.

((I say: i just felt like putting this in writing. cathartic? maybe, i don't know...))

BOOSTER!

...
you probably had too much PEP blood run through your veins. even mentioned your head ringing from all the giddy cheers, and prolly the sound of the snare and bass drums.

greeted me in a perkier demeanor. (adik!)
"hung-over?" i asked.

oh, and if that's not enough, you wanted to mimic ze squad.
so you inquired, "so how's your thing going?"
i bragged about being "ahead" schedule.
(wasn't really the reply you were expecting, i presume.)

then you blurted out that lightbulb moment of yours.
i quipped, "go ahead do your cheer..."
"you wouldn't see the hand movements" you retorted.
"draw it?" i slightly suggested.

to cut the story short. you took the hint "seriously".
and came up with this "crude" product (well, as you put it, being meek and all). it's amusing, i must say.
and yup, it did help lift my spirits. naks:)


astig siya, and it's an understatement.
thanks a bunch!

finders, keepers

"when you find them. you gotta keep 'em!"

i'm almost turning two in this (not so) new world.

and whenever i look back on memories and fondest moments, God seem to lead me to the friendships i've built along the way.

and so i just felt like dedicating this whole blog to you, my twinny^^

we came in together in this new world. a bit uncertain with the people around us.

you, being the natural conversationalist, started to chat. and things welled up from there. from commute-buddies, we discovered how we shared the same interests in movies, fashion, and whatnot.

i love doing cheap thrills with you, and exploring our "peculiar and artsy" taste on things.

though seasons weren't always rosy and daisy, we tried to put our differences aside and be the bigger (wo)man. we took our opinions at face value and respected each other's take on honesty. we've "matured" in this friendship together, and I thank the Lord for that.

(yes, i wouldn't delve into the horrid details)

i like how we're learning to become sensitive to each other's idiosyncrasies. friendship does mean adjusting, yielding, and understanding. i appreciate your generosity be it on things big or small. you are one thoughtful friend, and i wouldn't know how to repay your kindness.

and as we turn two (in two months), i pray for God to just bless the work of your hands. May He hold your heart so that it'd remain pure and passionate for His service. Continually touch people's lives and share that positive vibe.

(bawal na ang emo. or sobrang analytical... haha!)

May He grant your heart's desires and enlighten you to His perfect will.

Hang tight, His promises would blow you away ^^

Oh dearie, i just felt like putting pieces together. Aack, cheesy much?!?

Let's take more snaps when we hang(out) for docu purposes. ha-ha!

I thank God for giving you as my soul sister, a trusty confidante, an honest konsensya, and saying that we're really good friends is definitely an understatement.

Here's to more odd-ventures! (pretend we're holding flutes with champagne...clink)

here we go again

call me weird.

but(i'm pretty sure that) i have this tendency to digress from an equally important task, when it's there right smack my face.

yes. attention shifts here and there. gahd.
ergo, i blog hop. i stumbled upon familiar pages. checked out new ones, and now, i'm even more inspired to bring my "pensitivity" back to life. i just hope i have the time though.

and so, in my effort to add spice to blogging. i would try to add diverse media into my entries. (somewhat similar to my tumblr.) and hopefully, i could keep up with this ambition, errr goal.

so let me start with this one.

a few weeks (or months) back, in one of my exchanges with a friend. we discussed about impressions, well, tis pretty obvious that we're not that acquainted just yet. and so comments flew to and fro. we discussed about animation and illustration coz we're both into art, oh, coz i'm a frustrated artist just in case the word ain't out yet. thought about exchanging artworks. as if, i'd have the chance to show off my talent. (what talent?!?)

simply put, my friend did his share, and i, well... didn't. i actually felt bad, but i was too preoccupied with so many things and didn't feel that enthused about sketching. and yes, i know i shouldn't make excuses for bailing on "deals".

and so, here it (h)is.


and just this afternoon, (yes, as a result of bloghopping), i felt like sketching a quick whatnot.
i was about to upload it to my computer, turns out our scanner conked out. baah, too bad. i'll show my piece once i've found the means to.. promise.

((i say: hija, magtrabaho ka na... go! ikaw rin ang maiipit niyan, sige ka...))

(untitled)

things are going well until you asked,

"so, when do you draw the line? uhh, i mean, how?!?"



pffft. foot in mouth disease.

random thought (insert number here)

it's odd when people try soooo hard to chat you up.
then they feel like they know you afterwards.

but then again, think about those times you've built on friendship.
then walls would crumble down, on that day you opted for insolence. . .

life is absurd.

another one of those lucid dreams

for some weird reason. you suddenly decided to shut me off your world.

oblivious. aloof.
been wracking my head. what the hell did i do wrong this time?!?
gahd, i can't think of any.
swallowed my pride. tried my darn best to reach out to you.
and no, this is not the first time, you know that.

but all i get is... NOTHING!
not even a word, i can take it if you're mad. but come on, bring the message across.
i'm starting to think how hard it is to deal with you. i hate the fact that you are a tad high-maint.
is this your way of punishing me? well, guess what, you're an inch in achieving your sweet success.

i know i don't deserve this. i'm aware that i should be the "bigger man", to be more open to understand. but where should i come from?!? gahd, the anguish. mental anguish.
i'm sure you haven't had enough, guess what... i'm even bothered in my sleep.

i had the weirdest of all dreams. twas so surreal. lucid in fact.
you were there, a rather familiar scenario. and some of our common links played a part.
and yes, i got the same cold treatment. i tried to shove it off.
gave you the distance, you obviously would want.
then poof, i awoke. time to get back to reality... sigh. heave a deep and heavy sigh.

for what it's worth, i won't bug you for as much time as you want.
i wouldn't want to appear like a pathetic schmuck, asking how things are.
i'm trying so hard not feel frustrated. gahd, it sucks to feel this way.
you know that i can take as much criticisms and outbursts.
but please, bring things to the table. no more mind games, if you'd consider it that.

for the record, i don't hate you.
i just hate what's going on. coz i obviously do not know what happened in between what?
you are still my dearest friend. i honestly recant our happy days together.
i look behind me when i walk in our common places, hoping i'll chance upon you...

i asked God to help me get through this.
i'm not used to being less confrontational, and be the "bigger man".
but i'm trying my best to be that.
coz i know how fragile you are, and i wouldn't want to add little cracks or further damage.
i want you to know that i'm sad. i feel it in the deepest pit of my stomach.
i have shed tears, hot tears. obsessive thoughts, recalling what i've done (i know i sound pathetic).

we all have quirks and mishaps, and i want you to know that despite such, i love you just the same.
i can only take in as much...

i just pray that things would be okay. and i mean, really okay.
sigh...

((I say: see, how i've been bothered that i finished this post, prioritized it over work. haaay, buhay))

twas thisclose

((i'm not even sure if i'm supposed to write about this.))

it all started with this piece of drawing.



and things blew into unknown proportions...



it's weird how you're stuck right in the middle of a sticky sitch.
between your dear sister and a dearest friend...
you spoke your mind. thought about it for the umpteenth time.
but right beneath you, you know that it was the right thing to do.

and so you did it. and it reaped a whole bunch of unforeseen consequences.
it was more than you can chew. but it'd eat you up if you kept mum.

bothered for days. weeks even. and then you tried for a resolve.
tearful explanations of this and that. played 'damned' scenarios in your head.
thought of the worst case, heck, it can't be done. no way.
BUT thankful that things turned up, as everything was divulged.

was it worth it? at least you know, that what you have is real.
tested through fire. a gem of a friendship was catalyzed.

for what it's worth. i am deeply sorry, but you know that i just did what i had to do.

note: this was a done deal. things are waaaay beyond us. we're the 'bestest' of friends. and we definitely proved that. hug!
one more note: even when you say, it's business... it's hard to do it with friends. involved parties should always deem to be the bigger man, willing to understand so as not to hamper your friendship, on top of everything. that's what matters, come sundown. :)

"ang aking kwentong pag-ibig"

how are you feeling: pfffffft.

how dare you?!?
i thought i was dear to you.
that you'd never put me to harm.
but what did you do?
you breached my trust.
do i have any other choice?!?
i'm taking a stand.
wreaking havoc?
heck, i'd burn bridges if i can.

so much angst? nah, you better get your facts straight before you could react.
and stare daggers at me.

a couple of weeks ago, i received a mail.
yup, twas sent to me. my name is in it, and the address was exacto!

as i opened the whole thing, and read every line. i was so shocked to have received it.
i was like, "huh, when did this happen?!? could this be true?!?"
not realizing the gravity of the whole situation, i shoved the mail aside and went on to my usual stuff.

then my folks arrived. they saw the letter too. they called my attention. i'm smelling smoke right there.
to cut the long story short, my PAG-IBIG account was defrauded. defrauded. and i was held accountable for arrears amounting to PhP 24,000 plus plus plus... AND I DIDN'T EVEN APPLY FOR A HOUSING LOAN!!!

having imbibed that proactive sense, i was ready to file for legal complaint. oh, but i realized that i needed to do some investigation. and so i did. heck, i've been rummaging for info every darn chance i get. contacted people from my previous job. asked facts. verified them. consulted some law friends. did research at lawphil.net... they've all been very helpful.

plot thickened by the day. until i finally reached a viable "culprit". and it was one of my "trusty" friends from faraway land. how could she have done such a deed?!?

and to make matters worse, she just adviced me to let things slide. "things are gonna get settled, and i wouldn't have any financial obligations with PAG-IBIG." WHAT THE HELL?!? this is more than money, dearie. i don't care if you owed me or what. but it's my reputation that you were putting at stake!!!

FYI: the arrears are now due for 2-months. and it'd take one more month for MY pag-ibig account to set on default. meaning, I would be considered as a delinquent borrower. blacklisted. PERPETUALLY BANNED FROM AVAILING ANY LOAN FROM PAG-IBIG. perpetual, you know what "perpetual" means?!?

could i just let that slide?!?
to think that I did not make any loan, I did not sign any document for that matter. and God knows I'm telling the truth and nothing but it!

wait, wait, wait... so much angst right there.
after some days, fumes have finally let off.
but this doesn't stop me from doing what i know is right.

okay, i've forgiven you. but you need to learn an effing lesson, dearie!

and so, i headed to the Pag-ibig main office at the atrium of makati.
and reported the misdeed to the members relations department.
having known the fiasco, i could see them shake their heads in disbelief. and wondered why such a (mis)deed take place in their system. hmmm. i't s probably an inside job. doh, it has "IJ" written all over it.

well, they haven't really done a concrete action to my complaint. oh yeah, coz the philippine government system is sooo efficient. how could i forget that. but i thank them for accommodating my complaint. at least i've brought this concern to their attention, and hopefully press appropriate action for it.
i'm still positive on its outcome! (Lord, please help us!)

for the record, i'm not doing this for myself. i've known some more colleagues were involved, "victimized". they didn't know their accounts were used by the same "culprit"... oh yeah, consider this a scam indeed! and counts as a criminal offense.

to my then-friend, i hope you realize the gravity of your misdeed. some friend you are.
i've forgiven you, but well, i had to do what i did. i guess, we're break even.
and for what it's worth, may God bless your soul...


((i say: serious matters need to be taken seriously. doh, do the math. or suffer the grave consequences that you really didn't deserve. capisce?!?))

up a notch or two

((yesterday))

it caught my eye, among the stack
an upgraded version
gawked at it endlessly
examined its every feature
secretly hoping it IS mine
"when will it be mine...
will it ever be mine?"

((today)) on a more solemn note
sfx: dramatic song playing ala loving yours...

2009 just started
and i've intermittently heard
news of death. families, bereaved
loved ones crossing the bridge
to an after life
makes me realize
how life is uncertain
pause for a moment,
heave a prayer of peace and comfort
may God bless their souls...

((tomorrow))

is saturday. the day after friday.
just stating the obvious.
i heart weekends!

I say: get back to work!!!!!!!!!

grim(ace)

why do i feel sullen?

light-headed. shaken.
dead tired.
as if i fought a thousand battles.

energy sapped out of my system.
felt sorry, apparently for myself.
looked at "things" differently.

things seemed berserk nowadays.
berserk. in a melancholic way.

nah, must be the aftermath of yesterday's divi-day.

can you handle it? can you? CAN YOU?!?

well, I CAN! (full proof right below! oh yes, classic!)
call me risk-taker. call me daredevil.
but never a wimp. chicken? nope. ne-ver.
i can take on whatever challenge is right before my face.

balut? uuuh. paassssss.


today, on a glorious friday, my friends in our special room went on a whim.
a few minutes before lunchtime. to eat balut! yup, the infamous balut.
(FYI: Balut is a popular Filipino street snack and is essentially a duck egg with a fetus inside, typically between seventeen to twenty days in gestation.)

my special friends prodded and prodded. called me names. (nah, didn't go that far)
then i finally caved in! (Oh good Lord.)

twas a first. a milestone. could qualify as that. (di ka Pinoy if you haven't tried one!)

with much (dis)gusto, i mustered the courage to take a bite. thrust it down my throat.
eyes tightly closed. fighting the urge to purge.

i almost cried. (exaggerated). cried out a victor!
woot! woot! beat that?
i'm sure my folks are damn proud of me.

care for another round of the B?
ummm. kayo na lang.

disclaimer: i'm done with durian. graduate nako sa balut. come on, keep it coming!
let's make a list of 100 foodums to eat before you die. tara! bring it on!!!

another disclaimer: pardon our speech. we talk like that in our special place. you copy?

wreaked havoc

clock said it's past 5pm, almost 6. time for you to go.
got up and fixed your things. like a usual, after office routine.
head out to the door. talking nonsense to an officemate.
talked about bags, usual girly stuff.

then you saw a familiar face. your eyes met.
heaved a heavy sigh. it was all in your head.
fortunate coincidence? was it one?
tried to act nonchalant.
held your umbrella. as if preparing for battle.
soft drizzles were out.

crossed the street. to take the jeep.
was standing on the curb ahead of you.
oblivion. traveling alone.
awkward silence. two-person distance.
(his) obvious effort to make conversation.
(your) abrupt replies. long moments of silence.

where have all the jeepneys gone?
insanely long hours of waiting for one.
atmosphere tense. acted as if estranged.
heard something. someone. calling you out.
looked around. looked ahead. onlookers.

"nosy people". watching your every move.
entertaining? made-up stories. plot thickens. in their heads.
don't stress. let things be. why are you acting antsy?
thank God a jeep arrived. head out for the front seat.
was it a wrong move? twas a better one, a safer option.

veered from plausible intrigues. though harmless ones.
it's been days since the encounter. moments (still) recanted on hours end.
entertaining? at first it was. bothering? a little more on this end.
must resist analyzing. must resist guilt-tripping. must resist.
it was a coincidence after all. no biggie right there.

over thinking. you're curved to do that.
chill. breathe. shake thoughts out. clear your head.
go with the "flow"? let them be.
do checkpoints. know where you stand.

wreaking havoc? recipe for disaster? don't go there.
don't you ever learn? just stay where you are.
stay. there.

disdainful deja vu: fact or fiction

the party of five called out for a different cheap trip.
(and the other one took this photo)

yes, we got tired of those pricey spots in makati. (a lame excuse for not having enough dough and energy to step out of the village).

so we settled for the local scene. thought that too much "sex" would jack up our blood pressures to the ceiling. how about we go back to the pretentious, ludicrously-priced, foreign-sounding kapihan? oh, and that "central" place have been the spot for far too many people... that we decided to take the road less-traveled and headed the other way for a checkpoint.

we thought that the coveted spot catered to an older demographic. we literally felt out-of-place. the terminal's fluidity started too feel too thick that air wasn't quite right for our robust lungs. must breathe. stepped out and saw what we were looking for...

a checkpoint!
who would have thought we had that same soundtrip, chillax spot within the better turf? a steady place for good friends to wile their time... was just right under our noses. cozy spot, and steady meals. we were starting to like the place.

but wait, there's more! the likes of urbandub, up dharma down, sinosikat?, itchyworms allegedly played and made a scene right at this very spot. whoa, whoa, whoa. isn't that cool?!? cool.

don't get things so pumped up. famed ones get seen, but "rookies" get their taste as well.

and on our first night at that checkpoint, just as our eyes were glazed with this teenie discovery. things started to get cloudy. the party of five in unison, exclaimed, "are we seeing what we're seeing?!?" we had a double-take on our vision, "could this be real?!?" it's like the dream balloon was popped by a nasty needle. man, we're off for some ride that night. a total nightmare.

we kept on praying that our ears won't bleed as they played. thought that it was a funny and freaky coincidence. that maybe God was telling us to straighten our act. have we been bad to the bones that we're being punished? but still we felt (He was) gracious, they didn't play as loud. or the sound mechanic tinkered with the system a tad bit? felt that they weren't as inspired. thank God. super thank God. sigh.


hmmm. if not for them, and the other glamrock band. we would've given this chillspot a whooping five. but hey, we give second chances. let's just do a raincheck the
second time, right, party of five?

care to join us. i tell you, the place is promising. wink wink.

masaya pero mali :|

ako ay... confused.

nagkaron na ba kayo ng moment kung saan nararamdaman niyo ang panandaliang saya? oo, yung magaan na pakiramdam. (in english: light, warm, and fuzzy feeling). kahit na mababaw lang, parang may malalim na impact siya?

tapos bigla mong mari-realize na may mali. sablay. at pilit mong gigisingin ang sarili mo. back to rationalizing. think of the repercussions. think. think. think. THINK.
(*toink* gising ka na!)

alam kong maiintindihan mo ako kung head person ka.
haaaay. bakit kaya ganito...

may tao bang likas na magnet sa mga bagay na masaya pero mali?

life question x

do you force friendship into people?


i believe that you couldn't just shove that down people's throats.
good Lord, i know that I'm mean. but if there's one thing that i'm not... I know that i'm NOT plastic.
and don't give me any venue to be one. (please hear my plea!)

Gahd. life is tough.