down under

in reverie. just when i thought i lost some of my files.
here comes some of thoughts revived. read on.
(if you're interested. apologies for the eyestrain.)

status: single since birth

"may boyfriend ka na ba?"


i just get a little irked whenever people ask me this question... especially when it comes from boys.
bakit ba??? oo na! single na kung single. it's my choice, and i'm loving it! - i know, i sounded defensive.

how should i put this..
i'm NOT a man-hater. i looove boys!!! it's just that i don't see myself in a serious relationship right now.
i remember some guy telling me this, "wala kang boyfriend kasi takot ka sa commitment."
to think that he hasn't seen me in a long time. can people really tell if someone is afraid of commitments???

just a thought. am i sending a "vibe" that i can't handle any of those serious things related to boy-girl relationships??
as pathetic as it may seem, i would like to believe that is half-true:(

i couldn't actually picture myself being soo lovey-dovey with someone.
kadiri! haha.

PDA is so not my thing! - oopsie, wag magsalita ng tapos...
maybe i'm just a bit cynical because i haven't really gotten into a serious relationship.
don't get me wrong, i had my shot(s) at love.. but it didn't really last and i was young then.

shot # 1: may gatas pa sa labi

i was young then.
12 and in 6th grade.. i didn't know what i was doing. he was my bestfriend and became my "boyfriend".. out of pity. it was a wrong move. the relationship didn't last. but our friends told me that he had loved me so dearly. i didn't feel the same way. i transferred school. we lost touch. he had a lot of girlfriends after me. but he still tried to stay in touch, and was very vocal about rekindling our "friendship". i shut the door. declined every offer he had made. i'm sorry. but that book has been closed a long time ago.

after some years, someone new came into my life...

shot # 2: what might have been..

i was the new kid at school.
didn't have much friends at first.
i saw him. he was out of my league. he liked a friend of mine, since he was in 5th grade.
they were an "item". i tried to get close to him by teasing them. it was fun, him not knowing that i like him.
come our sophomore year. his feelings for my friend started dwindling. and he saw me in a different light.
i didn't know how to react. he started calling me at home. tried to get to know me more.
it became our weird saturday routine. feelings have unfolded. yet he acts rather peculiar when we're in school, it's as if he doesn't know me.
he likes me, i like him.. the feelings we have are mutual. everyone at school started to notice. onlookers thought we were an "us". but we weren't. this lasted until senior year. our friends thought that we would eventually be a "couple".... but things turned out differently.

oh well... people change, feelings fade away. the memories i've had with him are kept in a special place. there were no hard feelings. we're now close as we'll ever be. he's my confidante, i am his. come to think of it, that was all i wanted.. to be his bestfriend.. and nothing more.

he now lies happily in someone else's arms, while i still await for my white knight to come...

i thought i already saw him coming...

shot # 3: could it be him?

i didn't get involved with anyone during my college years. i guess i was just too contented with my being carefree. enjoying life with my friends. single and loving it.

well, i did have crushes. crush ko pa nga si Varsity Boy ng Maroons. (teka lumilihis na tayo.) oh well.

a few months after graduation, i got a job in an international NGO. it was an awesome break for me, but it came with a catch. i got deployed to a faraway land. away from my family, from my friends, and the civilization that i've grown accustomed to.

i thought i couldn't survive in the suburbs. but it was truly surprising that i'm enjoying every day of my stay. and i saw the nature of my work exhilirating. with all this workmode running, i didn't recognize that someone was seeing me in a different light. itago natin siya sa pangalang Mickey Dee, at hindi siya Chinese.

he was one of the few people at work you first approached me and made me feel that i was part of this new "family". i didn't assume that he had ulterior motives. akala ko, friendly lang talaga siya. he would constantly check on me. send me SMS's, call me every now and then just to say "goodnight" or ask how my day was. signs of him being interested was written all over, yet i didn't want to add color to any of it.

he tried to invite me to dinner. and i joined him. it was then i saw him in a different light. may sense pala siyang tao. that night marked a significant day to our "friendship". we didn't tell our colleagues that we were starting to get close, but they somehow read the signs. the awkwardness that we have with each other. and they've quickly identified, "bagay talaga sila."

sa madaling salita, nahulog talaga ang loob namin sa isa't-isa. okay na sana ang lahat kaya lang may catch. may girlfriend siya, pero nandon si gf sa civilization while he's here in the suburbs.

pwede niyong masabi na, "edi mas maganda, convenient yan sa inyo na long distance ang relasyon nila." oo nga, the set-up looked too tempting, but i can't seem to bring myself to jump in and grab the opportunity.

kahit ganon, we remained friends. we constantly had bonding sessions na in reality ay"dates" naman talaga. at habang nagkaka-opportunity kaming magkakilala, mas tumatatag ang feelings niya para sa akin. hanggang dumating ang araw na hindi ko na kinaya, at kinompronta ko na siya.

i wrote him a 13-pager. sa haba ng sulat na yon, iisipin mo nang ilathala at ipasa bilang short story. i poured out my every thought in that letter. lahat ng feelings ko, i've opened a part of me that he never knew. i did that not to win him, but i felt that it was necessary. it's unfair for the three of us (ako-siya-at si gf) for things to go on. we should all be responsible, oo nga, love triangle ito. love triangle na kung di maayos ay may tatlong taong masasaktan at madedehado. i sent that epic-like letter to him on valentines. talk about perfect timing.

months passed, i didn't receive a response from him. i somehow felt deceived. parang lugi ata ako that i divulged. then one night, a middleman talked to me, serious mode niyang sinabi na "kakausapin ako ni Mickey Dee". alas! the final confrontation came.

that night was rather confusing. the weather was calm. perfect for an evening date. he brought me to the beach to talk. there we rekindled our moments. happy, sweet, funny, basta lahat-lahat. then he finally dropped the bomb, he gave his thoughts on the letter i gave him. he uttered silly nothings. oo, kinikilig nga ako nung mga panahong iyon. it was the night he told me that he really loved me ever since. "awww" moment ko to. pero there's this part in me saying that there's something else. ayun na, he said that he really wanted to get married. he wanted me to be his wife. but he had a strong feeling that i would decline. i thought he was just joking when he asked me that question, i mean, it was the farthest thing from my mind. i'm too young to get married. i'm 22, and there are still a lot of things i want to discover.

so ayun, alam kong kating-kati na siyang magpakasal. i'm sorry but our priorities weren't aligned, sweetie. maari mong masabi na ang laki kong tanga para pakawalan ang isang tulad niya. pero hindi. sa madaling salita, si Mickey Dee ay kasal na ngayon sa magaling niyang girlfriend at 5-months pregnant na. baby boy ang anak nila.

pero bakit ganon? parang di ko siya nakikitang tunay na masaya? parang may regret? hindi pa kasi siya talagang handa na magkapamilya. in short, ang kasalang iyon ay naganap dahil ang gf niya ay buntis na. ayun, lahat ay wrong-timing. i came in the picture at the wrong cue, and this brought confusion to their story. masasabi mo ba akong kontrabida? i beg to differ, i did the right thing even if it meant that i'd have to give way.

so much for my forsaken life. aack, quit the pity party. let's say that i'm a "woman" of principle.

... so, mabalik tayo sa tanong na.... "bakit wala ka pa ring boyfriend?"
let's just say, i'd rather wait for God's best than go through another heart-wrenching love story. i'm in no hurry. i believe that my time will come. patience is a virtue, ika nga.
some say it's fate, others claim it's destiny. let's leave it at that. love unfolds before you when it's due.

(haha. nakakapagod. believe me. but what can i do? the little-idealistic-me just keeps on winning the battle. but yeah, just the same, there are more stories left untold...)