processing

it's been eons since i last did this.

"how are you?"

can you seriously answer that the moment the requisite question comes flying your way?
just to make conversation, we'd start with "i'm good" or in Filipino, "okay lang ako."

but what exactly do we mean by that reply? how good are we in reality? and how OKAY is okay?

people ask me that when they'd want to start with "catching up" and i'd curtly say, "i'm good" or "steady spaghetti"... and whether to go down into details or not, is still undefined.

i would like to take the opportunity to dissect things.
delve into details to check on my personal disposition.

so how am i?

okay lang.
meaning...

(a) i'm in perfect health. i guess. if not for my periodic palpitations, and seemingly "gasps" for air.
(note to self: go and see a doctor...to know what this is all about.)

(b) i'm all in one piece!:) yup, my work has this sort-of risky aspect. (e. g. crossing rivers and seas, going up and down the mountains to name a few) but thank God, for safety.

let's get past the surface...
how am i? beyond what's seen.

(c) heart matters. hmm. i am STILL uninvolved and unattached, by choice if i may add. but don't get me wrong, i'm perfectly fine with the set-up... BECAUSE i'm still learning about the beguiling ways of men. kidding! well, let's say i appreciate being friends with them and being "attached" to anyone in specific is still kind of hazy for me. i so love being this carefree. just the same from then 'til now, i can gladly say that i'm still single and LOVING it! ( i don't know for how long though. haha.)

(d) spiritually. umm. i know that i've not been that diligent with my walk. i know that keeping constant communication with my Maker is a must. It is an integral part of being a Christian, and that my personal relationship with Him rests on it. honestly, i'm challenged about being consistent with my quiet time. I know that i need to refocus and realign things especially that...

(e) i'm having second thoughts about work. about a year and six months ago, i remember posting about how im going to be deployed to faraway land. how it's been a shock that my parents permitted me. my fears and qualms. consultations with my famille and very close friends, and they all said the same thing, "God wouldn't bring you to a place then leave you there. Sometimes, you have to leave your comfort zone to see how He is real in your life... step out of the box and exercise your faith."

well, i did just that and learned a lot of things in the process. it was a good mix of the good and not-so good ones. noticeable change emerged, and i can even sense that i have been fortified in that span of time. hmm, how you might ask? i felt that i've become more mature and tougher. more upfront and vocal about things. i guess it pays to be "trained" to face various types of people (from the simple townsmen to the prominent ones who hold some public position) and in different numbers if i may add. i have grown through the organization, and it was all because of God's big master plan.

but then again, erratic thoughts about leaving work (erratically) hit me. why oh why? is it because my closest workmates seem to find means in inching their way out? is it the "rumored" restructuring that would leave some of us unemployed? or is it the "survival of the fittest" drama that is currently happening in our ECCD network? i still can't bring myself to a single conclusion. still in a state of confusion, which they say is typical in development work.

as of press time, i've tried filing some job applications to various organizations and companies. and still in search of some. in doing this, my heart and mind is only "half" into-it because i still love what i do here. i believe in what i'm working for. the program that i'm handling deals with the critical years of the child, and it feels good that i am advocating for it. so why all the fuss right? well, i guess it's just the fact that it's tough to be super away from home. apart from your family especially in testing times. that's a major thing for me, but i guess you could never tell what life has in store. who knows what tomorrow might bring right?

so there, if asked if i'm good or what?
i can say that i basically am... it's just that there are teenie tiny cracks around the surface that needs to be refurbished. and i just hope that it would get done soon, just so i wouldn't end up shattered into pieces and all over the place...

but then again, please please...
keep me in your prayers.