inch by inch

i know that i shouldn't be doing this.
i have a deadline to meet. but i can't seem to bring myself to finish the task.
the sense of urgency has very well sank into my system.
but i don't know what's going on with me.
(one thing's for sure though... something needs to be tweaked to get me back on my feet)


am i confused...

or is it just prolonged agony?

i applied for a post in our makati office.
had an interview about a couple of weeks ago.
felt good after that "process".
hearing the "you did very well" remark twice, and straight from our country director's mouth, is something right?
(but the result's still a mystery to me and my "contenders")

people had mixed emotions about it. some were prodding me to take the post, coz it'd be the perfect opportunity for me to be back in the metro. and be with my family.
while there were some, who felt a tad bit lonely hearing that i applied. i'm not sure if it's my presence that they're going to miss. or what. well, i didn't have time to probe though.

(i) know that i shouldn't be anxious.
this is the perfect time for me to wait on God. wait for His perfect time. in prayer and supplication.
(i) know i have to patient. (and prepared for both circumstances)
i can sense that His grace is in all these things. it may sound a bit freaky to some, but i honestly think that that's the case for me. He is a God of perfect timing. He hears our plea. and I'm sure that He'd grant our heart's desire given that we do things according to His will. (easier said than done? i know, but it can be done.)

i guess being "confused" is part of the processs.
confused because i couldn't seem to place myself at work. i know that i have to do my duties in my current post. but why oh why, am i feeling abit light-headed about it? am i losing interest?

lose interest. in the midst of the endless things to be done? apart from that, i got assigned to several tasks that are way out of my job description. am i ranting? but then, why did i say yes and committed to fulfill the exxxtra load of work? (note to self: learn to say NO! and in NGO-work, is this ever plausible?)

unsure where all these pressures are coming from. and to top it all, that lingering feeling of home is starting to creep into my system. i thought that living far away (from home) was something i could truly get used to. i guess i thought wrong. it pays to be soo close with your family.
am i too young to enter this predicament? the family-work drama? it's not that i don't enjoy what i do. God, i love what i'm doing. but the endless pressure that comes to me 24/7 have somehow triggered this overwhelming-whatever-that-i'm-feeling.

in such times, people have various coping mechanisms to get them up and running.
well, i guess, to me, it's the "cheesy" remedy.
i'd be a bit dorothy-ish, belt out, "there is no place like home", knock my ruby slippers thrice.
in the hope that things would fall into place. i'd be back in manila. find work there. be in the confines of my home... as if the great artist have suddenly changed his mind and had redone the plot called my life.

if only things were that simple. but we had the liberty to explore the endless possibilities that come our way.
i know that God had a plan behind this adventure i'm in. i have to give credit to this year-long (plus plus months) experience. i was able to discover the different side of me. who would have thought that the girl who seemed unyielding and reserved could now come up to people and speak her mind? (well, in the bounds of work at least). i was never that upfront. i'm not saying that i have become the great midsy, but i'm sure that i've become better. because i can truly feel it. and people had even noticed that remarkable change. yet, i have to admit, everything is still a work in progress.

i'm just grateful that i was given the opportunity to have a different take on life. there were no regrets.
yes, there were days of melancholy. drama episodes were there. troubled times continuously challenged me... but all these were like bits to a puzzle that have made me the person that i am today.
(and i know that it isn't final. coz i'm just starting the game..."marami pa akong kakaining bigas")

thank God that i have Him in my life. i wouldn't know how i'd get back.
it's a given that not everyone would get my drift, well, i guess i'm just proud that my existence had more meaning coz Big Daddy's right smack in the middle of it.

and yeah, about my career-driven predicament?
everything's still on hold. i am waiting. patiently.
and prayerfully.

whatever takes place... is according to God's will.
(but i'm still hoping that He'd grant my heart's desire though. Lord, please?)

"For these plans, i have for you - plans to prosper you, and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future..." Jeremiah 29:11