boom. bamm. aack.

when it hits you. IT hits you hard.

is it possible for us to talk?
ganun. ganun tlga? when?
now.
okay. wait lang.

he wanted to clear things. finally. i thought this time would never come.

don kami by the beach. kung san kami dating nagbo-bonding.
ayun. kwentuhan muna about work. what's up etc etc.
then he asked if there are guys who are pursuing me as of the moment.
tinawanan ko lang siya.

hanggang nauwi na sa pagrereminisce niya.
actually, he was the one talking 75% of the time. time niya to e. so hayun.
he told me things i never knew before.
he said that he was interested agad. the first time he saw me. and wanted to get to know me tlga. etc etc.
tpos i appeared "so guarded"... which challenged him more. coz he thought that it'd be worth it.
tapos un, he said that he was starting to fall for me. (of course, he didn't tell me that then).
tpos he told himself that he loves me raw. and very very much at that.
na ang saya raw siguro kung maging girlfriend niya ako.

so ako, nashock ako nung sinabi niya un. prang may kilig factor when i heard him say that.
of course, i ddnt show him. pero somehow, i felt that lang. as in, ang alam ko lang that he likes me.
but i ddnt know that he LOVES me pala. kasi para skin, it's too soon to find out. or sakin lang un.

so un nga, umasa siya that somehow something good would transpire from our set-up.
nag-risk siya by asking me out to dinner for the first time, at nagulat siya na pumayag ako.
(on my end, i ddnt assume that it was something "romantic".. oh well.)
tpos sinabi nya na ang saya-saya nya tlga kpag magksama kami. etc etc. at ndevelop daw tlga siya sakin.
at grateful siya na sumama ako sa "bondings" nmin. na in reality ay "dinner dates" nman tlga. which lasted for about 2 months ata. ewan ko.

so diba, MU tlga kami. hello. nafi-feel nga niya na gusto ko rin siya. pero un nga, sbi niya, gusto tlga niya akong mging gf pero tumagos daw tlga ung sinabi ko sa knya na.."BE RESPONSIBLE". so he moved back a step. sabi pa niya sakin, "bakit kasi ngayon ka lang dumating?" at ang sagot ko nman ay, "sisihin daw ba ako?!?"
tpos he had this goal, to get married this year, and he's not yet certain who he'd want to marry. ung joke pa niya skin, kung sinong interested daw ay pde. i thought he was just kidding. and he even interjected na... kung sinabi ko raw na... "id marry you!" e kasal na un agad. as if nman diba? hello?!? tpos biglang nag-sink in sa kanya na bata pa nga ako. (he's 29, so 7 years ung age gap)
pero un nga. kung sinabi ko raw na interested ako. he'd be very willing to take me as his bride.
(hindi pako ganon kahibang!)

nsabi pa niya na, "ang swerte ko siguro kung maging asawa ko si miday." siguro. maalaga siya.
(tpos ngkwento pa siya na naiimagine pa nga raw niya na wifey niya nga ako..ibang level diba?) i have mentioned before na ung love ko for my family ang isa sa mga characteristics ko na super gusto niya talaga. so he saw that i had the potential. prang ganon.

nung magkasama kami. may mga odd quiet moments kami.
ung mga tipong napapatulala lang ako sa kawalan. tpos pag tingin ko, tinititigan na pla niya ako.
so bakit ako napapatulala? hindi ko rin alam. haaay. siguro prino-process ko ung mga narinig ko na parang hindi totoo. at siguro confused ako. kasi nga, special siyang tao sa buhay ko. and now, he's slipping off my fingers. :(

ako kasi ung tipo ng tao na matagal madevelop. so by the time i feel that i really like the guy, siya na ung nawawala sa set-up. im not saying nman that he lost his feelings towards me. sabi nga niya na he loves me very very much. pero ayaw niya akong saktan. at ayaw niya ring masaktan kaya he's being responsible about the situation. (sawi ba tlga ako sa pag-ibig?!? may ganitong factor tlga akong binanggit diba?)

i shared with him na lagi na lang ganto. ung mga guys who happened to like me, they always end up in someone else's arms. at ako, empty-handed in the end. i do get hurt. but i recover right away. well. siguro, i claim that. pero may mga recurring thoughts of what might have been. tapos nagwish pa siya "that i'd be with a responsible man. who would respect and care for me." (napaka-movie like nman ata nito.huwat a scenario diba?)

as in, the whole time. i could feel that he regrets it. by it i mean... na hindi nga kami naging "us". as in, paulit-ulit niyang sinasabi na. "sayang" or di kaya'y "nanghihinayang" daw tlga siya. bkit daw kasi "ngayon lang ako dumating". tpos un pa, the "be responsible" dialogue continuously rings on his ears.

basta, parang ang drama ng scenario na to. prang sabi nga niya, gusto niyang maiyak.
ako rin, on my end, i felt like crying. as in, nararamdaman ko yung heart ko na gusto niyang magshed ng tears (umiiyak na pala ang puso ngayon).
basta, malungkot ang eksena. sabi niya, let's not be sad. at hiniritan ko siya, mag-assume daw ba na malungkot ako!?! tpos tatawa na lng kami.

so basically. sadness. disbelief. at regret. ang emotions na npapaloob sa eksena diba. at ito pa, may clincher. at ito ang pinakamalaking shock na aking hinarap. he said that he's getting married. (shucks. seryoso pala siya nung mga panahong iyon) at sobrang soon ha. grabe. ibang level to.
kaya inulit niya ung hirit na, "hindi ka kasi pumayag na ikaw e." don ko tlga naisip na, magkaiba tlga kami ng priorities. at may factor tlga ang age.


so un, ngkwento siya about his wife-to-be. un ung current gf niya. 11 months na sila. (at kami as friends, 7 months. hehe.) kaya nga inulit na nman niya na, "huli ka kasing dumating."
haaay. ngayon. naisip ko na. may mga basis pla ung mga songs na naririnig natin. kala ko noon, kinakanta lang siya to sell records. yun pla, based on experience ang mga lyrics don. hehe. (at ang pinaka theme song niya pra skin: bakit ngayon ka lng. how fitting diba?!?)
at ako ngtanong naman ng mga fitting questions like: where are you staying? does your family know? e ur parents? mga ganyan. at sabi pa niya, dapat nga i-invite kita e. and i told him, "ngek. wag no. it would be hard for you."

so pano ung atmosphere nung gabing un. generally. calm nman. i mean, ung mga kwentuhan nmin prang friends exchanging stories. ngcocomment ako kung gusto ko. ngkwe-kwento ng mga experiences. mga ganyan. basta. may times na light lang. natatawa kami. tpos mg-aappear. tapos biglang mgsshift sa reminiscing about our "moments". biglang tatahimik. tpos regret would seep in. he said pa that he wanted to hug me. kaya lng, he's sweaty raw so tatawa na nman kami. basically ganyan.

nsabi ko rin sa knya na ndisappoint ako sa knya, when he declined in visiting my family. sabi niya, nahiya nga ksi siya. kasi naconfront ko na siya nun on our situation. and he added na ayaw niya madisappoint ang family ko. as if nman id introduce him as my boyfriend. i emphasized pa nga that "i just found it weird that he wanted to meet my family but declined when he had the chance to do so." so there. medyo, i felt nman that i vented some of my emotions.

at ito. wag nyo akong huhusgahan ha? he approached me. gave me a tight embrace. and kissed me on the cheek. pumayag ako. at hindi ko alam kung bakit. oh well. pero ito, when he did that, medyo nalungkot na nman ako. buti na nga lang hindi ako naiyak. hehe. (siguro nga, nasasayangan rin ako. oh well.) at hinirit nya, na gusto niya akong i-kiss sa lips... at siyempre, malaking "huwaaat???!??" ang nsabi ko. at natawa na nman kami. hindi pde un noh. bwhahahaha. ano siya sinuswerte?!?

feeling niyo ba na may closure na ang lahat? closure na bang masasabi ang mga pangyayari? especially because he's gonna settle down na? well, personally, mas ayaw ko nang ma-involve sa situation coz it's more complicated. ibang level na ang pumatol sa may asawa noh. hehe. pero un nga, it's just not meant to be. kahit alam pa nmin na we feel mutual attraction towards each other. we opted to act responsible about it. pero at the same time, i feel like im always being tested when it comes to love. lagi na lng akong "sawi". i know im not supposed to feel self-pity. pero medyo it's part of it. i have to get thru it. minsan naiisip ko na am i bound for celibacy? ngak. ayaw ko nman.
gusto ko nman maranasang maging girlfriend to the man i would truly love and respect. pero kelan kaya un? haay. lagi na lng, close. but not quite:(

i told him na. na-apektuhan rin pla ako. hehe. after i've slept on the issue, saka lang siya ngsink in sakin.
at sabi niya, pagpray raw nmin na ung mutual feeling nmin ay maconvert tlga to friendship. wag raw akong malungkot. and ayaw rin niyang malungkot. in fairness, i've somehow felt that i've found a real friend in him. a guy friend that i could confide in. pero siguro nga, dapat wag muna kaming magpaka-close sa ngayon dahil baka ma-rekindle lang ang flame na pilit naming "pinapatay" if i may say that. haaay.

i felt like crying. sulking even. as in, deep inside me parang may hint of hurt. i wanted to shed tears pero hindi siya lumalabas. naiyak ako pero konti lang. haaay. please pray for me. i know that God is testing me. please pray that i'd have the strength to really move on. haaay. im being positive. im doing the best i can to be one.

ganon pla un. bigla kong naisip ung episode na napanood ko. friends sila who found out they have feelings for each other. nauna kasi yung guy na dati pang may gusto e, he's secretly inlove with the girl then he finally told of his feelings. tpos when the girl finally realized what she's feeling, the guy's getting married. when i watched that (before pa) i thought that it doesn't happen in real life.
taddah. im in the same scenario now. boo for me. :,( haaay. life is truly complicated.

allow me to wallow (wallow na pala to) for now. after this, i'd be positive about God crafting my love story. haaay. i just pray that my man is very well on his way...

haay. ano ba ang masasabi niyo? i ddnt mean for this to be uber long. pasensius.
i just felt like venting. haaay. ang komplikado pala tlga ng pag-ibig or anything related to it.

o sha. thanks for bearing with me.
aja for me!:D