indigestion

before anything else, i suggest that you keep an open mind and utter patience as you would read through this whole sentimental blurb that i would have.

i know that i have the tendency to keep things to myself. maybe it's because i'm being extra careful as to whom i would disclose fragile bits of my life. so you should feel grateful. haha. so egoistic of me!
okay. i'd quit beating around the bush. here goes... nothing.

before i even got to our Program Unit, i'm hearing stuff about you.
"Ah, nandon si _________.... yung Amerasian!"

"Si ____, bagay kayo non! Kaya lang baka hindi mo siya type kasi maliit siya."

"Naku. Pagnakita ka non. Mgkakagusto sa'yo yun!"

O, diba. ang OA! haha. at the back of my mind, i was thinking. ano naman sakin yun? hindi naman ako ppunta sa faraway land para don noh. why do they keep on teasing him to me?!?

As in, it was so weird. Yun lagi ang sinasabi nila skin whenever they hear that i would be deployed to faraway land. Oh well, i didn't pay much attention to it na lng.

Then i finally reported to our team. At the roadshow. siyempre, wala akong kakilala. haha. except for PUM kasi i saw him na sa CO. so un, you were easy to spot. duh! ikaw lang naman ung mukhang mixed breed don noh. haha. so naisip ko. ah. un pala yung _____. un lng. Ewan ko if it's okay to share this,pero aside from that. seeing you. un na un. hehe. the one who caught my eye was _____. hehe. kc tanned siya... mukhang surf dude. (note: mababaw crush to ha.. nothing more than that)

Anyway, in fairness to you, my impression of you was that you were very much accommodating and friendly. You were popping comments or saying stuff just so i'd be comfortable. being the newbie and all. So un, you've somewhat gained some points in matters of friendship. i felt na, okay pala tong maging kaibigan. since then, i felt that you'd be one of my good friends in the PU. (ewan ko, kung tama nga ung presumption ko) Siguro nakita ko ung pag-eeffort mo to talk to me. i mean, not everyone was that approaching kasi nga may language barrier. kailangan pa nilang mgtagalog just so they could talk to me, plus, i know for a fact that i look mataray. well, that's a given.

I was unsuspecting. as in, ayaw kong lagyan ng kulay ang mga bagay. lahat ng mga teasing ng mga tao. kung kani-kanino na lng ako tinutukso. inisip ko. cge, go lang. wag kang mapipikon. joke time lang lahat to. so un.
Hindi ko rin in-expect that we'd be close friends(?). Where did this all begin? Sabi mo don sa late dinner. Sumama ako kasi may catch. ihahatid moko coz it was a bit late for me to go home alone. So here are my thoughts regarding that night and what had transpired onwards. Nung late night dinner, wla lng siya sa akin. inisip ko, i owe you kaya i have to go with you. and besides, we had a deal: you'd bring me home if and only if i go with you to dinner. so sumama ako. what the heck. it was no biggie! tpos you were commenting parang mga palipad hangin. but i didn't pay much attention. kasi nga feeling ko it was part of the "joke" that people seem to bring me. hehe. so, un. the night ended. we shook hands. i seriously thought. ano un? business deal?!? haha. tpos sabay pinch on the cheek. what for?!?

the next day. i asked for your help. techie stuff. haha. i was panicky na kc nga 1st training ko un. haha. and you came by to help. sobrang grateful ko non. i was sincere when i said that you were a lifesaver. sabi mo, bolera rin pala ako. oh well. tpos non. text galore na. (tama ba? dito ba un ngstart?)

tpos i was headed for manila. yipee! pero we still communicated. ngek. haha. siyempre, being back to the city for the first time. endless ang kamustahan. ppl were curious about my adventures. how was faraway land? work? etc... and my cousins were prying. asking if may mga gwapo etc. kung may boylet. the usual things girls talk about. so, i shared about you. kahit hindi kita boylet. pero wla lng, kinuwento ko lang na may constant katext ako. tpos we were still communicating that time diba? so i let my sweetue read it. sabi niya. parang may meaning yung mga texts niya. i didn't want to assume na meron. kahit na medyo may inkling ako na mga palipad hangin to. hindi ko pa rin nilagyan ng kulay. haha. so un, pinapadescribe ka nila. sabi ko, amerasian. gwapo. naks. haha. e di ang saya-saya nila for me. sabi ko, hindi pde, may girlfriend ata siya. hehe. feeling ko lang na meron. i didn't ask about it. observations lang. and because of that, they quickly said. ay, wag mo na lng ituloy. mahirap yan.

the long break was over. it was time to report back to the PU. shuxxx. pano kaya to? oh well. to be honest with you. i was a bit weirded out. with the turn of events. pero sige lang, i pretended that nothing was on. deadma. yan ang tawag mo diba. yup, dinedeadma ko na lang ang lahat. i was having tiny predicaments. but i never told anyone about it. as in. yung mga emotions ko, everything was locked in me. days. weeks. months passed. i was still quiet about this part of me. ssh. wag mong ishare kahit kanino. ito ata yung time na nagppalpitate ako parati. stress un sa work. pero may halo na palang iba. nagrereklamo ako na hindi ako makahinga. sabi nila, baka damdamin yan na hindi mo maipahiwatig. at the back of my mind, hala. obvious na kaya? tsk tsk. haha. tapos un, tatawa na lng kmi . haha. little did they know that they were thisclose to finding out the truth. oh well. i gave in. i can't bear keeping things to myself anymore. so i shared stuff. para nman may support system ako. they were happy to find out about it. they said that they had a clue all along. obvious raw kasi na may certain awkwardness between us. prang may spark raw pag nagsasalubong tayo. talk about vivid descriptions diba? ang OA. prang sobrang animated naman ata non. well, that's how they saw it. wla na tyong mgagawa.

come Christmasttime, our other colleagues started to notice that there's this certain closeness between us. Tpos at the end of the geno, ung may mga mala-recollection chorva non. we exchanged candles. natatawa ako non. kc prang ang weird. tapos diba, ngbeso tayo? tama ba? hehe. tpos non. everyone was seated in a circle. mgkatabi tyo. and someone was pushing. hmmm. tsk tsk. and then you and a friend separated from the group. sabi niya, kinonfront ka raw niya for me. what's the deal?!? etc etc. and then, as finale.. may singing-"family" singing parang ganon. again, we were beside each other. hands held together. inayos mo siya, so that our fingers were intertwined. i saw you were blushing. tpos ung mga colleagues natin, nang-aasar na namn. haaay. pero sige lng. tapos parang npansin ko that you were playing with my hand. tapping it. saying na malamig siya. ganon tlga ako. my hands are clammy. pasmado tpos ng-aadapt sa temperature. you were trying to make it warm. hehe.

if that wasn't enough. i've been hearing comments from the people around.
"bagay talaga sila o. parehas silang maputi."

"bagay tlga kayo. gusto ko kayo for each other. kaya lang, may gf ata siya e."

"tingnan mo yan, yang lalaking yan. kung nasan ka, gusto nandon rin siya."

those were just some of it. as in, ang rami tlgang mga comments. but i just shoved it off. i don't want things to sink in kasi baka mali lang ang lahat.
tpos Christmas party na. exchange gift. i couldn't forget that _expression on your face when you found out that i got you. haha. winner. super surprised na mixed emotions na ewan. so siguro para sa mga onlookers, confirmed! haha. i even heard someone say, naku. lumabas na ang tunay na nararamdaman. ngak. haha. sabi nila, parang may meaning tlaga un. ung beso mo sa knya tpos ung tight hug niya sayo. tapos parehas pa kyong ngblush. hehe. ganon pala ung itsura non. haha. embarrassing. haha.

i believe that that somehow paved a way. kc na-observe ko na feeling close ka na agad. you were more expressive about your emotions. i was speechless. why? because i was overwhelmed with the turn of events. inisip ko, bakit mas touchy na siya? hala. kaya, i opted to dock my face on the pillow. hindi ko kc alam kung anong sasabihin. anong gagawin. that somehow was my way of escaping from whatever this was.

hindi tayo masyadong ngkikita or mgkasama. kasi sabi mo, nahihiya kang lumapit sa kin. hello. i'm still me. wla akong split personality. porque nasa manila, ibang tao na ko? hehe. oh well. so un, there was this time that you claimed that was insignificant to me. un ba ung, PPM tutorials? hehe. was that something to be celebrated? hehe. ano bang meron don? goodnight kiss on the cheek. i'm sorry i was too sleepy to even remember that it was something worth remembering. pero ito na lng. nagulat ako that you kissed me on the cheek. parang ako, huh? nakiss ako sa cheek?!? bakit? tpos u often called me sa room, checking up on me. hanep. talo mo pa ang parents ko. hindi ko nga sila nakausap during my whole stay at the hotel e. well, thanks for the concern. then you asked if i could join you for coffee before you'd finally leave for faraway land. i said, ok. pero nag-EK ka diba. buti na lng hindi tlga ako super anticipating. hehe. so un, you've got plans, i had mine too. then you texted at the wee hours. saying good night and that you'd miss me. you were shocked to find out that i was still up. hehe. so un, you asked if you could see me for the last time. (ano yan, mamatay ka na ba? joke.) so, pumayag ako kc hindi pa nman ako natutulog. ngkwento ka about EK. etc etc. you asked me if i could go with you to your room. ako prang, dapat hindi sasama. but what the heck. i went with you. and you gave me that set of plates you got from the exchange gift. sosyal un ha! corel(?) plates. honestly, natawa tlga ako don. inisip ko, plato?!? haha. astig to ah. so un. we went back to my room. stayed by the doorstep. sat there and ngkwentuhan pa rin. honestly, i was a bit shy that time. hehe. kasi nga, im not used to hanging with boys. haha. let alone be stuck with just one diba? haha. basta un, bonding time ended. we said our goodbyes. you asked if you could embrace me. inisip ko, bakit na nman? ang oa nman nito. pero cge lng, you gave me a tight hug. and said that you'll miss me. hehe. i didn't reply not even a single word. tpos ngtext ka.. ang bango ng buhok mo. hala. i didn't know that you caught a whiff of my hair. nahiya ako non. of course you wouldn't find out. haha.

so un, holidays na. you called me up frequently. my sisters were teasing that they'll tell on me.. to my parents. tawa lang ako. pero tlga, ang weird. why did you have to call that often? sayang sa load. haha. tpos you asked for my home number. inisip ko. mglolong-distance ka? grabe na. and you said that there's no difference. oh well. ikaw nman yan. so un, you tried to stay in touch. you made me feel special. hanep. then the unthinkable happened, i lost my phone. boo for me:( nlungkot ako kc may sentimental value un. at siyempre, i felt a bit sad kc losing that phone meant no communication with you. nasanay na kc ako. haha. (of course, hindi mo yan alam diba?) tpos yan, sabi ng cousins ko, hala. pano na si ______? baka isipin non, iniiwasan mo siya. hala. haha. as if may choice ako diba?

so far, what's running in your head?!? hmmm. baka iniisip mo. grabe. ang dami ko pa lng mga moments na hindi shini-share sayo. haha. ganyan tlga. oh well. hindi ko alam kung tama ba tong ginagawa ko, but i believe that this is one way to clear things in my head. kaya bear with me. im getting there na...
so un, i reported back to the PU. nsense ko na ung mga taong ka-close ko, super namiss tlga ako. well, namiss ko rin ang mga tao:D hehe. so between us, prang wlang pagbabago. i bet you guys were talking about me while i was away. haha. oo na. ang feeling. pero diba, chance niyo na yun to talk about things. kasi i wouldn't find out. hehe. oh well, since then, what had happened? frequent "bondings". alam mo, nakakahiya un on my part kasi ikaw ang laging nagbabayad. i felt that it was a bit unfair on your part. haha. pero ayaw mo kasi akong pabayarin kaya un. and i thought, siya ang ngyaya, siya ang mgbayad. haha. as if nman kcng mangyayari na ako ang mg-iinvite diba?

hmm. and then you kept on giving hints about saying something to me. and then you dropped the bomb, you told me that you like me very much. tpos ako, no comment. i didn't know what to say kasi. in reality, in shock ako. hehe. kaya hindi ko alam kung anong tamang sabihin. ganito na lng, thanks. hehe. remember, i asked you why? kasi hindi tlga ako naniniwala na wlang reason behind it. then i said, wala nman akong ginagawa for you to feel that way towards me. i mean, ngpapapansin ba ko? hindi nman. hindi nga kita pinapansin, unless needed. hehe. so un, that left me thinking. may ganon ba tlga akong certain vibe na nssend that ppl are drawn to me. wait, before you say that ang kapal ko. yan kc ang observations ko. ppl tend to be that way to me. when i'm not doing anything nman. haaay. buhay.

o ayan. okay ba? backgrounder yan. para you know where i stand. hehe. so, brace yourself. coz this is where the real meat comes in. as i mentioned, maintain that open mind and utter patience. you'd need it.

premise #1: people are starting to notice
i don't know what they see or sense. basta, feeling ko they have a certain hint that there's something. hmmm. ewan ko kung pano nila un nakikita. haaay. baka naman kinukwento mo sa lhat ng tao. haha.
grabe tlga. ppl are so upfront. they often ask me this question, boyfriend mo ba siya? or kayo ba? basta. mga ganyang tanong. tpos ako, siyempre ang sagot ko. hindi po. friends lang kami. o diba, ang showbiz. pero un nman tlga diba? we're friends right? tpos sasabihin nila, ay, hindi pa pla. kala ko kasi kayo na. huwaaaaat?!?

premise #2: constant "bonding" sessions
haha. alam ko, natawa ka one time. slip of the tongue. you said the word "date". haha. actually, dating nga un. oo. let's be truthful. we are dating. ayaw ko lang gamitin ung term na un kasi nga, it makes me uncomfortable. kasi to me, dating means you'd have to look your best, do your best, and be your best just so you could make a good impression on the person you're with. and that to me seems so fake and superficial. para sa kin, hindi ko makikilala ng totoo ung kasama ko kung ganon nga ung premise. so i opt to use the term, "bonding"... kasi that would condition me to think that this is just nothing. friends hanging out. being true to themselves. sharing sentiments and what not to the person their with.

premise #3: on being just friends
yup. as showbiz as it sounds. we are just friends. i think i've made that clear already. diba? we agreed pa, but you seem to act otherwise. meron ba namang friends na touchy-feely? hindi lang ako kumikibo. i mean, you often catch me staring blankly unto the horizon. kasi iniisip ko kung bakit ako nasa ganitong situation. at hindi ko maverbalize ang lahat. kaya hindi rin ako nag-rreact. i mean, i bet you can sense that i'm a bit uncomfortable with your touchiness. (hindi ko naiintindihan... why i let you hold my hand that long. why i let you give me soft pecks on the cheek. why i let you give me warmth and security with those tight hugs and embraces. haaay. whenever i recant those moments, i get cold shivers.. prang out of fear and then i begin to feel troubled. and these things were inexplainable.) hindi rin ako magpapakahipokrito. it feels good to be cared for. i can feel naman that your touchiness comes with sincerity at hindi siya sheer "drobo". okay lang nman sana ang lahat kung...

premise #4: walang sabit
we know for a fact that you are attached. i know, this is so NOT my business. i mean, you are entitled to your own personal life. so why else should i ask about her diba? by probing on your relationship would mean that i'm so eager to find out what our status is. i mean, you were together (and still are) when i got into the picture. at kahit ano pang sabihin natin, ako ang magiging kontrabida dito. even if it was you who have felt something towards me. (and i remember you mentioned this, "you are entitled to your own happiness, especially now that you're not yet married")
i know. i should've confronted you long before pa. but i felt like i don't have the right to do so. mag-ano nga nman kasi ba tayo? i bet, if i stepped up sooner... it would made you think that ang feeling ko nman. clingy agad. hayok sa commitment. kaya i didn't say anything. but im telling you, i've thought about our situation ever since all these have started.

premise #5: truth or consequence...
you were curious about what i had told them right? well, i told them this... i like you. why? because you seemed kind, sweet, and accommodating. i like you, but i can't imagine us being together. you, being my boyfriend. then may follow up question un, so, may pag-asa ba siya? sabi ko. siguro, pero di pa ngayon. o diba, ang safe ng sagot ko? but that was the truth. i like you rin. naks. pero i'm sorry. kasi hindi pa siya ganon kalaki na i'd want us to be together. oh well, i felt it was unnecessary for you to know, kasi naman, actions speak louder than words diba? unless, manhid ka.

obvious kaya that im interested. why else would i go with you in the first place? hello, namention ko diba before na if i don't like the person, i tell him right away just so i wouldn't keep his hopes up. kawawa nman ksing magpaasa. haha. ang yabang ata non. pero ganon tlga ako. i don't want to step on ppl's feelings kasi. mabuti na yung sabihin agad, kesa ipa-grow pa tpos wla nman pala tlgang mag-gain diba?

speaking of consequence... i'm being extra careful on things especially when emotions are entailed coz i believe in the principle of sowing and reaping. if i wouldn't think much on things and sugod lng ng sugod, i know for a fact that i'd suffer gravely in the end. kaya un, i'm super watchful. kasi alam ko na domino effect ang mangyayari dito when the worse situation comes.. do you get my point?


o ayan. with those 5 premises i hope you now know where i'm driving at. so, what am i trying to say here.

diba, parang wala akong pakialam sa situation.. but in reality, i've dissected every little part of it. haha. sinuri ko ang bawat angulo kasi baka may part na pdeng makalusot. well, to my dismay, wla. wla tlgang good side. sorry. being the good girl (ahemm.) that i am. i can't bring myself to go on pretending that there's nothing wrong. and i can't seem to tolerate things anymore. there's this little voice in me saying that i should regroup. refocus. reorganize. refresh things.

alam mo, i didn't plan to tell you this much this time... if only you didn't come across my guy friend's email... ung pacific ocean. i actually felt hot flushes (out of embarrassment) when you called my attention because of it. kasi nman alam ko na kung ano ang nakalagay don. well, you claimed that you didn't read it (hindi nman ako ngtatanong. bakit ang defensive mo non? hmmm.) but i'd like to believe otherwise. haha. malay ko ba kung chismoso ka. well, stuff inside that email were rather serious. sobrang serious niya that i convened with my support system and they've helped me weigh on things. un nga, they've help me decide. and the verdict was...to confront you. no more delays! kaya ka nga nmin ininvite that night. hehe. dpat ico-confront na kita. but you declined. maybe it was God's way of saying, it wasn't time yet, my child.

i would like to thank you for not texting that weekend. seriously, inisip ko. baka busy or walang load. i didn't know naman na tinutuo mo ung sinabi ko na "wag kang magtxt. try mo na wag akong ma-miss".. e joke un. haha. oh well. thanks for not texting tlga kasi that paved the way for me to reflect on the situation. that moment of silence settled those dusty clouds off my mind.

meron rin akong personal struggles. that little voice that i'm talking about. i believe that it 's God telling me that i'm not doing the right thing. remember you've asked if i'm religious? and i answered that i'm spiritual. I have established a personal relationship with my Maker. and that's what keeps me sane. that's what gives meaning to my life. i didn't mean to sound preachy but i felt that i'd have to share this so that you'd understand me better. yan ang dahilan kung bakit never akong nagka-boyfriend. i believe kasi that God is still preparing my man. He's crafting him to be the best partner for me... to complement my personality. so, in the time being, i should focus on my personal relationship with HIM first... kasi nga ang lahat ay preparation: prine-prepare niya kaming dalawa. gets mo? i know that sounded too idealistic but that's how i see things. that's how i view my situation. i don't feel bad that im unattached. well, i admit, i do get curious sometimes. too curious that i begin to lose hope. i often get the this reaction from ppl, "sa ganda mong yan, never kang ngka-boyfriend?" well, that's the whole crude truth of it all. but i don't see it as a mishap. being single has a lot of benefits. it makes you enjoy life more. explore a lot more things. being carefree. being responsible to your own happiness. plus, i could spend much time with my Supreme Being. inaayos Niya ako. naiintindihan mo ba? yan tlga ang reason. hehe. if it's God's time... then everything will fall into place. wlang efforts. well, siguro may struggles but you'd get through it together. that to me is a God-written love story... and i've surrendered my life to Him. coz i know that He'll never leave me no matter what. i've been through a lot of tough times, and i've proven His Word true. ayan. yan ako, in terms of my spirituality:D that's how my parents have reared me. to be trusting towards people... and most especially to HIM. :D


cge, i'll say this flat out. alam mo ba, naiinis ako sa situation... sa turn of events. sa sobrang inis, i felt like crying. alam mo un, i'm in the brink of shedding hot, angry tears. haaay. don't get me wrong. hindi ako naiinis sa'yo. naiinis ako sa nangyayari. why me? why me of all people? why do i always get mangled into shitty dispositions? haay. grabe na. lagi na lng akong may mga complicated encounters. nakakapagod na ksing mg-ayos ng mga ganito. draining ang confrontations. traumatic pa... maybe this is why i'm afraid of commitments... why i veer away from relationships. haaay:

you might think that i'm overreacting. I'm sorry. but this is just how i am. I am a very analytical person. kahit maliit na bagay, hindi ko papalusotin ng wlang dahilan. i believe that there's a reason behind every situation no matter how insignificant it may seem. nasabihan nako ng maraming beses na grabe ka, head over heart ka tlga. oo. i admit. i am that. rational thinker ako. pero feeling ko, nasobrahan nman ata. haaaay.

so, linawin natin ang lahat... i'm cool with us. being friends. i mean, that's what we intend to be diba? you should be grateful kasi i usually stay away from someone who've told me how he feels towards me. as in, kapag nalalaman ko na may nagkakagusto sakin, lumalayo tlga ako. kasi naiilang ako. kaya nga nagtataka ako na hindi nako ganon ngayon. well, maybe it has something to do with maturity. baka nga nag-mature nako in that sense. hehe:D

how should i say this.. hmmm.. sorry tlga. i didn't mean to pry or anything. well, being the inquisitive kid that i am... mahilig mangialam ng gamit. i checked out your pile of books.. ung may dictionary etc, then i came across your copy of the Little Prince, i told myself, astig may copy siya nun. so i grabbed it. little did i know that it was a gift from "your pumpkin". sabi ko sarili ko, yikes... nangialam ako. bad. and then ng-flash sakin ung rhetoric question na ni-raise ng isa kong friend, "let's put you in this situation: say, you are his girlfriend whom he swore his heart belongs to... the girl who's been eagerly anticipating for his man's return, how would you feel if you'd find out that there's this other girl that he's starting to be truly fond of?" (hmmm. tsk tsk.)

ah, the beauty of having real friends. they gave me a hard knock on the head. i mean, this was just a hypothetical question raised to me... but it carried the harsh truth. yup, it was harsh, hurtful even... pero what can i do diba? things seem to fall on that place. kahit paikutin pa ntin ng mraming beses, all these would boil down to your relationship with your girlfriend and my being the "extra" in the picture. i know, you didn't mean for that to happen. at tulad ng sabi ko knina, it is out of my bounds. im not in the position to demand anything kasi wla nman to. and besides, im not that type of person. kaya nga before things get blown up to grave proportions e, im settling things with you na.

i remember you saying that i should be consistent with my aggressiveness... kung kaya ko sa writing, i should be able to do the same vocally. i'm sorry. i felt that by writing this epic-like email... i'd be able to pour out what truly is within me. don't worry, i won't leave you hanging. i'll settle this with you rin personally. pra naman maayos diba? hehe. pero un lng, i just opted to write things down pra mas maayos ang thoughts ko... kasi baka magmukhang sabog kung diretso verbal confrontation na. plus, this would help you reflect on our "friendship"... diba,i'm helping the both of us here.

i wouldn't want you to interpret all these into just one predicament... hindi ito ang classic na... "siya ba or ako" situation. you have mentioned that you are entitled to your happiness. but please be fair to both parties. fix things with your girlfriend. be honest with her. i know, it's easier said than done. but by keeping things from her, you're putting little cracks in your relationship. it wouldn't seem the perfect "us" (you and her) that you'd want. alam ko that with me, being friends with you-and you telling me how you feel towards me...you've somehow put a taint on your relationship. i wouldn't want to think that i'm the antagonist here. i don't want your pumpkin to loathe me. basta, hindi ako nghuhugas kamay. i've somehow spent time with you... medyo nag-invest na rin ako ng emotions. and i didn't tell you coz i wouldn't want things to grow coz it wouldn't be right. i'm not saying that i'm giving way. coz what's there to give? basta, be honest with her. un lang ang msasabi ko. i wouldn't want to be the culprit... mahirap nang mabalikan ng "karma". please be responsible. i know that you are. that's what i liked about you. responsible ka... in terms of your family. and i hope that this trickles down to the way you handle your relationships.

advice yan as a friend. hindi ako nagpapaka-martyr. i just feel that i should lay things out in the open. masakit man or whatever. ayaw ko rin na masayang ang friendship natin. you've somehow gained my trust. you were among the people i consider family. kayo ang mga tao na vina-value ko. and i wouldn't want the things we've started to be thrown away. sayang naman.
so please, be responsible. think that in this predicament... three people are involved. you and pumpkin... and me. hehe. you said you'd be careful with the way you'd deal with me. you wouldn't want me to get hurt. well, that's inevitable. it's part of it. but i'd readily take it. coz you are my friend... and i wouldn't want my friend to feel troubled. sabi nila, grabe tlga daw ako mgvalue ng friendship. that's me. if i consider you my friend, i'll go leaps and bounds for you. and i want you to know that i'd do that for friendship's sake. i know, i sound too sappy already. but that's how i am.

basta, what do i expect to gain from this out-pouring of emotions. that you wouldn't take advantage of it. hehe. lugi nako dito. you've somehow seen the real person that i am. wla lng. i felt kasi that i've somehow been held liable for the turn of events.. kaya ito. let's be of help to each other. i'm not saying that you'd drop your girl just so you could be with me. again, mukha akong kontrabida kapag nangyari un... that it was all of my fault for getting into the picture at the wrong time. (haaay. some things are just hard to explain db? you said that i shouldn't ask why and how you feel that towards me... coz it's just how it is. period.)

sinabi ko ang nafi-feel ko dahil gusto kong maging honest sayo. in fairness to the sincerity that you've shown me. pero un nga, i've mentioned that this is not about choosing who you'd want to be with. but it's about the three individuals involved. people separate from each other. kung ano man ang verdict mo... the person that they are would be affected. actually, depende na lng sa personality ng tao ang pag-deal non. SO PLEASE BE RESPONSIBLE. i know, i sound like a broken record already. but that truly is the bottom line in this. kahit mukhang sexist, it's you who truly holds the ball in this game. so,please be fair, okay? sana rin mature ang mga tao in the way they'd deal with this predicament.

Yun lng. now that you know what i think... i somehow feel like i've heaved a heavy sigh off my chest. parang may tinik na alis sa aking dibdib. parang naalis ang troubled thoughts ko. Now, i can clearly say that i have done my part. I can tell that little voice that i've listened to His counsel. that i didn't give in to the "beauty" that our situation can come about. it was truly tempting, "a picture of you and me together"... but it wouldn't be right and it wouldn't feel right. It's against my will to be with the person for the darn sake of it... it would be unfair to both parties.

Alam ko, baka nasho-shock ka... where do i gain this much thinking. ang bata ko pa. ganyan tlga. i may seem naive in terms of relationships. at wala rin akong experiences na paghuhugutan... but all i know is that i have a Big God Who'll never leave me... and let me slip on things just like that. Having a relationship with Him.. may free will. He let's you know of the consequences, but it still depends on the person if He'd choose the right path or not. Well, i opt to do the right thing. and only God knows what would come out of it. I would want to preserve the friendship that we've started kaya ko to ginagawa. I'm protecting my heart from any possible heartaches.

i did spend eons just to muster the courage to say these things to you. to put the right words. and lay my thoughts and feelings flat out. i was truly honest (o diba. true na honest pa!) and sincere with every word that have come out of my mind (hindi mouth kasi written to. haha). i hope that you'd be the same. do reflect on things. reflect. ponder.

oopsie.
didn't mean to cause eyestrain. admit it. you were too glued to let go.
aha! im right, right?