love triangle

it took me a day to digest everything you said.
and honestly, medyo hindi pa rin ako tapos mg-process. parang na-empacho ata ako.
i am still overwhelmed. prone kc ako sa delayed reaction.
lalo na pag sa mga ganyang "confessions". ngek. haha.

anyway, first off. telling me that "you like me" didn't come as a shock anymore. kasi nga diba, nadulas ka na. pero yung details yung di ko matake.
as in, i was dumbfounded after hearing everything.

literal na di ako makapagsalita. parang di ako makakibo. stoic.
di ko alam if i should feel flattered? embarrassed? weirded out? or what...

when you were sharing the simple things that you liked about me, parang gusto kong matunaw. as in, i wanted to vanish into thin air. nahihiya ako. good thing, di tayo magkaharap or else baka super pula ko na out of sheer embarrassment. bakit ganon? i didn't realize kasi na ganon pala ang "impact" ko sa buhay mo. alam kong ang kapal ko to use the word impact pero that's the closest word i could think of. as in, ung mga simple things na yun, ay simple talaga. and to me, it seemed insignificant already. ultimo ponytail with bangs, certain smile, fashion statement (na jeans at shirt lang naman) na may "dating"... sobrang nahihiya talaga ako while you were uttering those things, and im still melting as i recant them. grabe diba. kumbaga sa mga pelikula, ito ung "kilig moment that would let you shed a tear".. ung parang awww, ang sweet naman.

(at tulad nga ng sinabi mo, simple lang yun, but they all meant a lot to you. ) at ang masasabi ko naman ay, thanks for showing such appreciation. hehe. it was a different take on things. nakakatuwa siyang isipin. i mean, other than stating the obvious na "you're pretty, i got attracted. etc etc" it's in those little things that you've seen me shine. at kahit nga medyo uncomfortable ung thought na talagang ino-observe moko. e nakakatuwa pa rin syang isipin. promise.
(hanep. ang kapal ko diba?)

and to be quite honest with you, i've seen how you've discovered me. ang galing, may mga bagay pala akong na-share na di ko alam na ganon ang impact sayo. you've seen my personality. hindi ko tuloy alam if i've opened up too much already. as in, parang lahat ata ng sinabi ko sayo ay tinandaan mo. as in. i'm speechless, bilib nako sa pag-memorize mo ng details. well, that's at least, how i saw it. actually, pag nag-uusap tayo tapos nabbring-up mo ung mga yon, at the back of my head i'm like thinking na, "ohmy, he still remembers that?" sobrang ideal friend ka na talaga for doing that:D

natutuwa ako sa turn-out ng friendship natin. and how many times do i have to tell you that diba? as in, i never realized i'd meet someone with such similarities. super weird. pero weird in a cool and fun way:D pagkausap kita, parang endless ang train of thought. diba, naalala mo yun, the first time we met, we were talking nonstop. as if, we're super close na. well, we did have "moments of silence". dead air effect. pero may bawi diba? and it's just so amazing. and i've told myself, "how cool. i've finally met someone who understands me. someone who gets my drift.(at lalaki sya.)"

yuck. parang cheesy ba yun? you know where i came from. i've been very apprehensive about being friends with boys. pero having met you, i realized na possible pala talaga na maging friends-friends with the opposite sex.

and i never thought that this would happen. i mean, i can't blame you. feelings mo yan. and as you've told me, you kept on denying it, suppressing it even, pero it still resurfaces. if id say, "what have i done for you to feel that?", magmumukhang fishing naman yun. pero siguro nga, it just fell into place. well, at least for you.

don't think rin na deadma ako sa mga nangyayari. i do have my moments, na parang nagkakaron nako ng hint where all this is going. (over the top package. cello's na walang dahilan. grabe yun. at iba pa.) pero somehow, at the end of my contemplation, narerealize ko na yung friendship talaga yung important as of the moment. i mean, it's too comforting to know that you're just there. as in, ever ready. parang at my whim, merong sumasalo. (and i reminded you of my "abusive" tendencies. i do have my way of getting things. haha, abusado.)

i can't say that i like-like you. and i said diba that, i don't know how i would react to everything that's happening. i mean, i acknowledge your feelings but as to how i'd reciprocate it, is still uncertain. naguguluhan kasi ako. and i'm pretty sure that i'm not yet ready for anything (and this applies to anyone who has plans of pursuing me.), and i wouldn't want to dive into a relationship for the darn sake of it. baka pareho lang tayong masaktan. and i might lose a super awesome friend in the process:(

trauma na ba to? siguro im just trying to be careful. let's be friends first. and i don't know if this would lead to something other than friendship. pero, ito na lng, i'm not closing any doors. i mean, maybe it would be that or not. but heck, we still have each other diba? we're close, and we can't deny that. you've proven how much you treasure our friendship. and i really consider you as one of my real close friends. ilang steps na lng, guy bestfriend na kita:D

after thinking over things. and praying even. (promise, lahat ng moments ko sa buhay ko ay nililift ko kay God.)... ang masasabi ko lang ay, thanks for being so truthful about how you feel. salamat talaga.
thanks for making me understand that you didn't make friends with me because you got attracted, but things just fell into place.

well, i hope that you'd get my principle in all these:

ang relationship (at least from a believer's perspective), ay isang love triangle.
it's you-God-and the girl. ilapit mo kay God yung friendship niyo ng girl and maybe, if it's His will, then you'd end up with her. pwedeng hindi ngayon pero si God ang gagawa ng way for things to happen between you, guys. what's important is that you put God first in all these. draw closer to Him, and if He wills, then maybe He'd grant your heart's desire.

I'm not saying kasi na ako nga ang babae na yun para sayo. but i do believe that people meet for a reason. May purpose si God why we became friends, and close friends at that. ayaw ko kasing maging stumbling block. I mean, kung ano yung sinabi niya, i so agree with her. yan ang prinsipyo ko, i should focus on my personal relationship with God first. and as i follow His will, then He'd make things happen for me. Preachy diba? pero naniniwala kasi ako na para maging effective kahit papano, ay dapat stable nako sa lahat ng facets para di nman maging unfair sa guy. and by saying lahat, the spiritual aspect is included.

so yun, let's just continue this. i mean, what we have now.
inaamin ko, im really enjoying the friendship. very much.
ito na lng, parang hindi kumpleto ang araw ko kapag di tayo nagkakausap, siguro kasi nga nasanay lang ako. pero wag nating lagyan ng malisya pra di ako ma-weirdan or ma-ilang.

friendly advice lang, explore the possibilities of having a personal relationship with God, you'd be astounded. it's exciting. promise. i have tons of things to share in that aspect. hehe. relating with Him is never boring. He ministers to you in a very unique and personal way. allow Him into your heart, He'd do wonders:D walang mawawala syo, in fact, you'd gain much more from it.

by the way, bigla rin saking nag-sink in na dapat ay makilala mo na ang family ko. dahil nga close tayo, and i don't want it too seem like im sneaking-slash-keeping things from them.
alam mo un, kilala ka nila. alam ng mga kapatid ko that you exist. pero i don't know how i'd do it without making any of us uncomfortable. oh well, it will come.

so yun, naintindihan mo ba ang mga sinabi ko? basically, these things were discussed na when we talked on the phone. pero i just felt like reiterating some points para klaro. hehe. i admit, curiousity sometimes hits me... pero yun e. ayaw kong maging mapusok.

sa madaling salita, im not closing any doors. let's just say that im not yet ready.
and i don't see it as a need for now.
i want to focus on my personal relationship with God first, friendships (with boys and girls. alike), at kung ano-ano pang career-related etc etc.

so, if you'd be patient enough to wait. ngek, parang ang unfair ata non.
let me rephrase that.

"let's be friends and continue discovering each other's idiosyncrasies. things would fall right into place if its meant to be:)"

thanks for being the person that you are. not taking advantage of unguarded moments. but being the sincere friend that you've always been. i'm super grateful that our paths crossed. and i appreciate everything that you've done for me. as in, every little thing:D


P.S. i didn't realize it would get this long. sorry for the eyestrain.