limbo: an attempt for definition

going off-tangent.
i cannot let this moment pass. without even processing the whole situation.
yes. the typical analyst wins the game.

tripartite being. i'd like to believe that we are that.
though we appear as "one". we are made of three varied beings, and they may not be all present in the physical realm. and wait, i'm not going into all that astrological or new age drama.
see yourself. body. soul. spirit.

"what is wrong with me?".
ah yes, that perennial question that rings my ear whenever.
and yes, it has still been unresolved.

in the hope to find the mecca in all these, i chose to slice the pie, instead of beading every sweat acting like the investigator in search of the most elusive clue.

"what is wrong with me?"

is it a heavy heart?
i've been experiencing countless palpitations. ever since i stepped into this job at faraway land.
is it because of stress? that you couldn't even remember to breathe anymore? hmmm. close but not quite.

heart. the heart being the operative word.
went to see a cardiologist some months back. and i was diagnosed to have stable angina. feels weird 'cos i know i'm too young to go see a heart doctor. i'm only twenny-three for crying out loud. went into that room full with people well-around their 60s maybe? took tests to check if i'm up in the running. turns out that. well, i'm okay. thank God. i guess, it's just stress. hmm. anxiety and all. and i do need to take a breather every once in a while. wish i could really find time to...

if it's not that then what could it be?
a heavy heart. the heart being the operative word.
funny how people can't seem to move on with their lives. and i'm not talking about myself here, missy.
i'm not acting on defense or what. it's just weird how people can be so in your nerves. asking questions as if the whole situation was still on its course. WHEN in fact, it WAS a done deal. a closed book. capiche?

can't we just move on with everything?
hello?!? can't you get the clear picture. he has his own life. running things smoothly on course.
so please, let's give it to him. and leave me out of their perfect scenario.

and besides, it's not like i don't have my own life to live.
the ocean is vast. i know that i am great catch. haha. my sweet time will come. :)
(i know that sounded so stuck up. forgive me. but it's a whole different story.)

"heart" issues. not much of a factor. then what could it be?

is it a disgruntled mind?
i know for a fact that i am so much of head person. been analyzing even the most minute of things.
yes, you might say that i am overdoing (them) errr overthinking. but that's how i am.

i've been saying "this". but i couldn't actually affirm it through actions.
until i've finally had to sit and talk it through with papa dearest. and yes, i can say that he did shed an insurmountable (amount of) light.
i've finally decided. FINALLY.
the "deadlines" were given the deadliest time.
i couldn't entirely speak much on it. mahirap na baka maudlot.
but in all these, i still pray for God to give me the peace in taking this giant leap...

hmm. that seemed to be settled? if it's not a disgruntled mind, so what's left? anymore botherings?

is it a weary spirit?
i do not mean to sound preachy.
but i can't take away this part of me (for the benefit of the agnostics or whoever).
since life began, i was raised to know of a Supreme Being and have established a personal relationship with Him. yes, all throughout the course of my existence.

this has been part of my personal successes. i know that i couldn't achieve much if not for God's grace:)
so what am i driving at? well, i just feel a tad bit disappointed at myself. why? for being spiritually complacent. i'm not much of a religious person, but i see me as being spiritual. and to me, those are two different things.

i know that spending quality time with my Creator is essential. but i can't seem to find time to.
spiels of "juan tamad" started. skipped a day of quiet time. slept through the other. and things grew and blew out of proportion.

today, i feel like i am a mess. :( but i shouldn't tolerate my deeds anymore.
this should be on top of my list. i know. i know that well. i know that perfectly well.
but what am i doing to heed to that issue? i can't just sit here. sort my thoughts then leave things hanging.
it takes one to know things, but it takes another to actually do something about it.

i should cut the slack and start stacking that new and revived me.
you can't be in "perfect" condition if your three varied beings aren't in sych. (body, soul, and spirit in tune)
and above all else, (you) should check on your spirit. it's that little voice inside you. wanting to be heard.

well, i've always heard mine... but i haven't really listened to her.
come to think of it, that piece i'm missing. it was just within.
and it took me this much time to actually realize that.
so sad:( but things are never too late.

i have to DO something about it. and i need to DO IT NOW.