:|

Didn't mean to hurt you badly
Don't think that I am fooling around with you
So sorry for the time you've wasted on me
So sorry for the things that you went through
But I know that the problem's within me
You're so nice but your love don't deserve me
Or maybe I'm just so scared to fall in love again

I can still remember the days
So many times I've been hurt
So much trust I put on a "relationship"
So much suffering I got and the pain still remain(?)
You know I like you but I don't wanna take the risk
So confused and I don't know how to deal with it
Need some time for awhile before I give my heart away

Don't say goodbye
Don't say goodbye
I need some time for awhile before I give my heart away

Don't say goodbye
Don't say goodbye
I need some time for awhile before I give my heart away

Now I know I wasn't thinking before
That's why I'm always ending up with Mr. Wrong
Learning from the past, don't wanna make a mistake
You could be Mr. Right or could be a fake
You know I like you but I don't wanna take the risk
So confused and I don't know how to deal with it
Need some time for awhile before I give my heart away...

over and done with (hopefully)

you know what, you have this weird mechanism...

you really seem afraid and apprehensive that everytime you might reach to that conclusion, you ruin your defenses. which causes you to go back to square one.

you'll never get things done. quit beating round the bush.
(no wonder you're causing too much headache!)

take risks. or at least try it this time.
don't worry what people might think.
deal with your "demons". get it out of your system.

do your part. or at least start on it...

windows of opp

just when doors are closed.
God opens windows (of opportunity) for those who wait on Him.

Lord,

I pray for wisdom and discernment.
Like a wave tossed in the ocean.
I yield my life. to Your will.
Teach me to fully yield coz you know better.

I cling to the promises You uphold.
I pray that they flourish in my life.
All in Your sweet time.

Help me grow as I wait...

Amen.

F(r)ICTION

in an attempt to "open up"
i got a tad soaped.

what should i do?
i can't bear things on my own.

can't wait far too long.
clock is ticking.
prolonging agony?
between you and me.
stuck in the middle.
ready and not.
at the same time.

piece of advice: go with option two.
it has always been that right?

uso pa pala yun?

hindi ko sukat akalaing uso pa pala ang pagiging matatas sa Wikang Filipino.
(ummm. nahahawa na ba ako?)

nung mga nakaraang araw, meron akong na-engkwentrong isang nilalang sa aking pagbisita sa mga katrabaho sa banda roon. i'm sorry, pero hindi ko mapigilang matawa at mamangha at the same time. akala ko, papansin lang ang pagiging mala-Balagtas niya sa pagsasalita. but i'm sorry, totoo palang maypagka-ganon ang pagsasalita niya. ang lalim masyado magtagalog. napapanganga ako sa disbelief.

okay lang sana e, kaso medyo nakahanap siya ng paraan na makuha ang number ko. thanks to my teammate na nagpaalam pa na ipapamigay pala ang number ko. (take the hint of sarcasm right there). anyway, dahil colleague naman natin si Balagtas, kailangan siyang pakisamahan. mahirap atang matatakang "antipatika" lalo na kung parehas lamang ang organisasyong inyong ginagalawan.

sa madaling salita, kinikilala na niya ako. haay, minsan, kapag inaatake siya ng sumpong, nahihirapan akong magbasa ng mahahabang lathala niya. bakit ganon? does it mean i can't fully understand my native tongue, in its purest form? nakakaaliw actually na medyo may certain effect pala talaga ang pagka-romantiko ng ating wika. pero ang hirap iprocess, i have to read it thrice before i could fully grasp the whole message. weird so weird.

i thought i couldn't put up with his way of communicating. thank God, normal na tao rin pala siya. and he can speak the colloquial Pinoy language. buti na lang talaga. kung may nosebleed sa super English, i believe that this is its counterpart.

mala-Balagtas sa pagkamatatas.
uso pa pala yun?

for what it's worth

i know i've been out there for more than month.
working my butt off for something people would count as "extra work".
lagari. traveling from place to place. been to 6-out-of-9 of our covered provinces.
training staff. talking nonstop. for something that i truly believe in.

doing development work means stretching yourself to the limits.
squeezing out every creative juice, mixed with hardwork, til there's nothing left to give.
and all these is because we wanted to "make a difference" (or at least we believe so...)

to tell you quite frankly, there wasn't even an inch of increment to my pay given the "extra" load we did for work. (well, yeah, we had travel allowances. but that was it). again, i'm not complaining. the growth i get from all the traveling and mingling is something that i shouldn't discredit above anything else... i guess, experience is far better. an intangible increment that i'd forever carry with me, wherever. (hmm. drama mode)

on the lighter note. getting positive remarks from your colleagues is something that can amp up your morale and fuel your esteem to go on and keep giving your best every chance you get.

here are some cool remarks i got (i didn't make them up. just culled them out from memory:D)

"ang dami kong nakat-unan. very articulate ang speaker."
(ang dami kong natutunan. very articulate ang speaker.)

"para narin siyang may sariling anak kung magsalita. very practical ang insights na binigay."

"their child-like way of facilitating made the training more enjoyable. i now understand ECCD better:)"

"pwede na siyang magka-anak, pero ewan natin kung pwede nang mag-asawa. hehe"

"bilib ako kay miday, very articulate. pero paspas musolti, parang di na humihinga. dire-diretso ang mga insights niya."
(bilib ako kay miday, very articulate. pero ang bilis magsalita, parang di na humihinga. dire-diretso ang mga insights niya.")

"i like the way the presentations were made. very reader friendly and engaging. simple yet colorful and creative. child-friendly talaga."

"maganda ang training. pati mga facilitators. hehe"

"ito lang ang training na napuno ko talaga ang notebook ko..."

"i like your twang. pwede ka pang callcenter..."

"nasasagot niya ang lahat ng mga tanong namin. at practical ang mga tips na binibigay. very encouraging na ipractice ang ECCD sa mga anak namin."

"maganda ang composition ng team. may mga bata pa - at meron ring may karanasan na sa larangan ng ECCD. nakaka-encourage although very challenging."


i'm just grateful that my (and our) efforts didn't go to waste. nakaka-encourage and nakaka-aliw at the same time. well of course, there were also some constructive remarks given us. and they were taken well by the group. proactive dapat. there's always enough room for growth:)

for what it's worth, i give back all the glory to my Maker.
Thank You, Lord for the grace and wisdom:)

i heart the whole experience. sana maulit muli:)

last look?

funny how we Pinoys can come up with witty (and not-so-subtle) jokes about anything.

case in point: ASIAN SPIRIT
"you fly to asia, and land as spirit..."
(hmmm... that was encouraging)

Masbate-Manila
28 October Sunday
725AM

"i almost thought i wouldn't reach the metro in one piece."

my trip to Masbate was nothing short of an adventure. pre-during-and-post.
and i couldn't afford to miss this for a blog entry...

"PRE"
consequently, our scheduled-Wednesday flight got canceled for some unannounced "maintenance" sched by the airline. all other flight options were fully-booked. so for our last recourse, we had to endure a grueling 12-hour travel by land and sea combined.

it's not that i'm complaining or anything (besides, the whole thing's over and done with). but it just sucked that i had to endure long hours of travel. exposed in the cold. seriously, it felt like i was inside one of those trucks with freezers in it. and every passenger seemed like preserved meat ready for delivery. gahd. that's actually why i wasn't able to get enough sleep. sob.


"DURING"
to make matters worse, minus the sleep and all the physically "rest" i needed. i was tasked to handle the training, straight from travel. hmmm. NGO work is not much of a slave driver, don't you agree?

I had to stand there. right in front of a crowd of forty(?). i was feverish, knees-weak but with much drive, i felt compelled to do the task assigned me. mamita said she can willingly take my place if i can't manage. but no, i didn't endure all those suffrage just so i could drop the whole thing. i should be the one to do the talking... specifically on this one. i own this topic. yes, the whole afternoon was my "show". and i just thank God for the grace. (thank God that the crowd was participative too!)

and of course, they had to maximize my presence and gave me (more) topics to discuss (and that was a four-day session, with a couple of days as "excess" from my original task).. hmmm. sulitin daw talaga diba? knowledge. the more you impart it, the more it will grow. but anyway, it was fun altogether. greater challenge meant another room for growth right?

well, the team was kind enough to give everyone a breather.
on the last day of training, we were all headed to have lunch by the island:)
twas a quick trip. semi on an eat-and-run mode. why? because we had to head back or else we'd get stuck. the waves were starting to grow wild. wind was strong. big fat drops of rain falling from the sky. twas a "bumpy" ride back to the hotel.

did i get scared? not entirely. i tried to look on the "happier" side of things. it felt like we were on a wild river-ride in some amusement park, only that this whole scenario is not manipulated or ployed. it's a man vs. nature ordeal. and we just thank God that we were able to cross the sea even before the weather got even more unimaginable. (nakakapanghina na natagtag ka sa waves).


"POST"
got up early for our 7am flight. hmmm. turns out, the flight was 2-hours delayed. great just great. should've spent those hours sleeping in...

this was only my second time to fly with Asian Spirit. but for some inexplicable sense, i got a bit claustrophobic when my foot stepped inside the "plane". i was having a hard time breathing. the aircraft was smaller than the first AS plane i rode in. i was joking with a colleague even before we took our seats. i've always been a window-type of person. and i was shocked to be seated right beside the propeller. hmmm. how convenient...

"if this would fly out of function, my head could be cut off"... i comicly remarked.
engines started running. we were out of the runway and out in the air after some minutes.
endless chic-chatter just so we could make ourselves preoccupied. then the flight became turbulent. i subtly held-tight to my seat. and was mouthing a prayer only i could hear.

this was by far, the most turbulent flight i've been in. it felt like we were in a "roller coaster" going up and down the trail. i can literally feel my tummy being left mid-air for some seconds. then we sensed that the aircraft was swerving. my prayer became more intense. i didn't want to die. didn't want to die this way. okay, i know that was a bit exaggerated, but i was honestly scared for my life. but i was trying to be candid about it. (hmmm. the perks of taking a rather small aircraft and setting it out in the vast sky.. in a rather gloomy and unpredictable weather)

well, the turbulent ride's a given when you take small aircrafts. and i guess, the descend (for not being smooth) is part of it as well...

with that, i'll never ever forget my Masbate experience. for what it is, from start to finish...
would i dare try it for the second time? we'll see...

Photo creds: the scratchy window. and the propeller outside. is the immediate view from where i was seated. Asian Spirit seat 4C. hmm. intereesting...

kwentong bobo

i'm not sure if it'd be fitting to share this. but what the heck.
i know that you've been (well, at least?) put in a spot.
a point when you felt you were a tad bit stupid.
you may laugh at my story. so what?

kwentong bobo

ito ay hango sa tunay na buhay.
isang kwento na maaring bansagang "tatanga-tanga" o di kaya'y nagtatanga-tangahan.
kayo na ang bahalang humusga.
ngunit bago ako magsimula, nawa'y di magbago ang pagtingin niyo sa mga ilalathala.
once in a blue moon scenario ika nga. at di na ito maaaring maulit pa.
(Good Lord, not anymore)

bago pa ang tinakdang araw ng pagkikita, pawang may kaba para sa bukas na darating.
tanong dito, tanong doon. meron kasi akong tendency na maging "unsure" sa mga bagay-bagay. na kahit sanay na sa isang larangan, nawawala ang pagka-gagap dito tuwing ako ay naa-uproot sa kinasanayang sitwasyon. adjustment issues , oo maaaring yun na nga yun.

manilenyang promdi. parang naging ganon na ata ako lalo na karamihan sa aking panahon ay nagugol ko na sa faraway land. hindi na ako masyadong sanay sa gulo ng maynila. parang naku-culture shock ako tuwing ako ay nakakauwi. ang labo. pero ganon nga talaga.

hindi ko na ito papahabain. sa madaling salita. muntik-muntik na akong mawala.
north metro. oo, inaamin ko, hindi ko kapa ang lugar na ito. nag-aral ako sa diliman ng apat na taon pero di ko alam ang lahat ng sulok ng quezon city. kahit na nagco-commute ako, hindi naman ako gala kaya di ko talaga nasuyod ang buong siyudad. (yup, i'm a southerner. "sheltered" na nagpupumilit magpaka-indie. well sort of.)


"kapag marunong kang magbasa. hindi ka mawawala."
"magtanong kung hindi na alam kung nasaan..."

ito ay ilan lamang sa mga tips na natatandaan kong ipinabaon sakin ng aking mga magulang.
ewan. pero minsan bakit parang sinasadya ko atang wag itong tandaan. kawawang bata.

ang klaro ng instruksyon. bakit di mo sinunod? hmmm.
ang sabi, bumaba sa McDo-Ever dahil dun ang meeting place.
bakit ka lumampas? at ang smart mo, para magpanggap na matapang at sa Sandigan mo pa napiling bumaba. very smart. bright child, my dear.

kasi naman. nag-feeling Senyorita ang bata.
hindi porque nagka-agreement kayo ni manong driver na sa Ever ka ibababa ay hindi ka na papara when you get to the place. ayan tuloy ang napala mo. tsk tsk.

pasalamat ka na lang at "helpful" ang mga nakatabi mo sa FX.
napansin na iba na ang kinikilos mo. kahit medyo huli na ay natulungan ka pa nila.

"taga-san ka ba? mukhang hindi ka taga-rito."
"umm. taga-South po ako. Hindi ako sanay sa part nato ng QC."

pero bakit sa Sandigan ka bumaba? aba, malay kong may "reputasyon" ang Sandigan na yon?
nagulat ang friends ko in finding out na don ko pa napiling bumaba. buti na lang daw, di ako naholdap. (Lord, thank you for the protection.)

to make matters worse. i decided to take the hike from Sandigan all the way to Ever.
hmm. nung panahon na yun? feeling ko topspeed ang legs ko. nagtataka ako kung bakit ang bilis kong maglakad. at kinaya kong tapusing baybayin ang kahabaan ng distansya from point A to point B. oo, halos mag-collapse ako pagdating sa McDo. at naramdaman kong na-drain ang aking lakas.

sa totoo lang, nahiya akong ikwento to sa mga kaibigan ko.
100% sure kasi akong pagtatawanan nila ako. embarrassing indeed.
pero i felt that i had to let it out.
oo, tanga na kung tanga. pero tapos na yun. i learned my lesson. the hard way.
"mag-para kung san talaga bababa."

ngarag. hindi ko na yun uulitin.
PROMISE.

supposedly

i'm here.
somewhere.
where i used to be.
well, not exactly.

a place so familiar and odd at the same time.
i sit in my lonesome.
body freezing in the cold. muscles numb.

i want to be here. stay for a while.
stay here for good? should i?
maybe. maybe not.

a place that sortof felt like home.
familiar faces greeting me as if we're family.
the halls are empty. vast space stretch into nothingness.
am i alone? again.

i want to be here. this is where i belong.
supposedly...