(think or think not)

just when i thought i was so sure about this step i'd take.
i've put a definite deadline.
yes, that certain period would be the be-all-and-end-all of one facet of my life.

didn't realize that confiding this to another person would mangle my seemingly decided decision.

i'm now right smack in the middle of a tough decision.
this would be a life-changing episode in my mundane life.

literally in a limbo. well, i've been in this for some months now.
but things just gravitated to something greater. had sleepless nights.
distant gazes, deep thoughts would come in idle moments. i'm at the brink of another sobfest.

should i just keep things to myself?
i'm becoming (more and more) restless, as days go by...

Lord, please help me. Shed light...

in isolation

immunity.
i can say that i have it.
no, no, it's none of those "survivor" thingies.
i'm pertaining to a health-related ish.

i rarely get sick. rarely being the operative word.
and with that, i can say that i am "healthy"


until one day.

i slept in feverish. didn't want to entertain the thought that i was sick.
pagod lang 'to. kailangan lang itulog.
i took all the rest that i could get. but still, i woke up with a light head.
and yes, i didn't call in sick. because i had an important appointment.
i traveled. went on field work. at ayun, napuruhan. confirmed, i had a 37.9 temp fever.

tough luck. i had to be in this dispo, away from home. who would take care of me?
good question. i rested for some hours at the recovery room, at the rural health unit.
how provincial can i get right? but that's the closest "help" i could get, and yes, it did do me good.

i thought i was getting better. no more fever. but still my world was whirring.
again, i said to myself, kailangan lang to itulog.
so i slept in, without even having my dinner.

i was like this for DAYS. sleeping in. without eating.
well, if you'd count pieces of crackers, some fruits, and tiny sips of water as "get-better-meals", then i'd say, i did eat. somehow.

what's worse is that, no one looked after me.
i missed home badly. i would just close my eyes and try to picture that my dad is right beside me. my sisters checking up on me. my ever reliable mom doing the best she could to make me feel better. i pictured a hot bowl of soup that my mom lovingly prepared. that warm feel of home.

but to my dismay, everything vanishes the moment i peek in to reality. how sad can this get.
i'm stuck in isolation. faraway from home. didn't bother to seek help from my workmates. since my close friends were out, doing their own thing.

then it hit me. no one would even know if i died that instant.
i was stuck in isolation. locked in my room. flopped in bed with minimal strength to move.
how sad can this get? it was a depressing state indeed.

well, God is good. He tried to find ways for people to know my sitch.
my family gave me a call on the fourth day. they noticed something was different.
i broke the news. my mom shed her tears, my sister who was eavesdropping had trickling bits of tears as well.

anak, bakit di mo agad sinabi na may sakit ka?
ayaw ko kasi kayong mag-worry. kaya tina-try kong kayanin.
if you called sooner, we would've helped you feel better. diba? we could've prayed for you earlier.
(at ayun, naiyak na si mommy dearest. and i bawled as well. silent tears. i felt their loving care kahit na phone call lang yun.)

after that episode, my workmates got alarmed. and they nursed me. went with me for a check-up. and yes, may sermon na kasama yun. i was touched that they were there for me. making sure that i ate healthy, taking my medicine as prescribed.

sa madaling salita, i got better after a week. and yes, i had to get back to work right away. coz a lot of things were lined up. goodluck sa "recovery" stage diba?

i've learned a lot from this experience.
1. bawal magkasakit (tacky oo, pero bawala talaga lalo na if you're far from home)
2. health is wealth (magpahinga kung pagod na, at wag abusuhin ang katawan. marami ngang trabaho, pero kapag katawan ang bumigay, ikaw rin ang talo)
3. let people know (so what kung parang intrimidida ang dating? people who truly care for you, wouldn't bother knowing if you're still alive or what right?)

and because of this, a tough life decision was confirmed.