Another one of those goodbyes...

25May2011, Wednesday
In one of my "discussions" with a friend.

So you haven't blogged for a while? How about those thoughts in your head? Your creative stories?
Well, they're just in a list. I feel so uninspired (to write).
Uninspired or busy? What inspires you to write then?
Hmmm. It just happens...

(Let's skip the other parts. Simply put, my friend "wrote" something and I thought of "using" it as an inspiration to complete this entry)

I think this friend somehow compelled me to write.
Write!

And I'm using his direct quote to cap this entry, as I'm saying goodbye and hello to certain bits of my life...



"So this is how it feels. I still recall every crack, every tack, every nick on the table. But I have to move on. Leave the past behind along with the people who hem me in. Freedom greets me at my new place replacing all the emotional turmoil I felt at my old place."

I had to do this to claim my peace, a grip on my sanity.
Give me my take on isolation. This is it for me.
I'm doing this halfheartedly, but I need to say goodbye.

Too melodramatic?
I know right?!?

BOOSTER!

...
you probably had too much PEP blood run through your veins. even mentioned your head ringing from all the giddy cheers, and prolly the sound of the snare and bass drums.

greeted me in a perkier demeanor. (adik!)
"hung-over?" i asked.

oh, and if that's not enough, you wanted to mimic ze squad.
so you inquired, "so how's your thing going?"
i bragged about being "ahead" schedule.
(wasn't really the reply you were expecting, i presume.)

then you blurted out that lightbulb moment of yours.
i quipped, "go ahead do your cheer..."
"you wouldn't see the hand movements" you retorted.
"draw it?" i slightly suggested.

to cut the story short. you took the hint "seriously".
and came up with this "crude" product (well, as you put it, being meek and all). it's amusing, i must say.
and yup, it did help lift my spirits. naks:)


astig siya, and it's an understatement.
thanks a bunch!

is this MY moment?

yes, i've been told to update my blog. but what can i do? i'm a busy monger.
or just lazy altogether.

anyhoo, i'd want to make this as brief as possible. i have more important things to do, and they're all screaming on top of my head. hahahahaha. so i digress through my trusty blog.

sometime this summer. i was tasked to speak during one of our trainings. if you've known me, you'll see how i feared "public speaking".

well, not anymore. handling trainings has been one of the perks i've had since i started working in 2005. i love talking to a particular group of people. sharing with them what i know, and learning from them as well. i love the two-way learning. it's sooo fulfilling... and i always thank God that despite, drained energies and a raspy voice, i still could break a genuine smile off my face.

with all those said, i guess you'll realize your efforts paid off when you hear the crowd's loud applause, longer than expected. people coming up to you, hugging you and saying nice and uplifting comments. what a upper! natural high, alright.

and know that everything you did was beyond your own power, acknowledge that it's not you... it's never about you. coz you have a big God who deserves all the credit. (look to the heavens and thank Him. pray a silent prayer, and know deep down it's for Him, and it's Him... thank you, Lord).

kaya nga, when this bunch of youngbloods approached me... i was so shocked, i could literally get off my body. parang huwwwwaaaat?!? seryoso ba to?!?!?!?!
i guess they were serious. and i was just doing my job... with an extra ounce of passion perhaps.

i seriously wouldn't know how to react when they said, "ate, ang galing mo! IDOL kita!" and if that wasn't enough one of them even added, "gusto kong maging kagaya mo paglaki ko..." (honestly, nahiya ako. it's quite rare that people would really say that to my face. but of course, i was flattered. and thankful. ang galing ni Lord. hanep!)

and i guess they weren't really playing on me. coz they did the same thing when i met them a couples of months after... and oh, they requested for a photo op. artista?!?


(note: pardon the sabog feel. sabog lang talaga ako. that's all. hmmm. parang ka-age ko lang diba?)


((i say: simple things really rock my world. i thank God that people saw beyond me. everything was for HIS glory. ayos!))

(finally) it's out in the open...

just so we could get things out. in the open.
i've heard a lot of "news" flying here and there.
why do i feel like they'd want to be soo involved?

am i a public figure?
somesort of "celebrity"?
i'd want to laugh just thinking of it...

but at the back of mind, i felt i was stepping onto someone.
that person deserves to know. hear things straight from the horse's mouth.

today.
i've finally said it.
i've let it out my chest.
at around three in the afternoon.

i came up to his office. and blurted the truth.
it didn't happen as dramatic as i thought.
how should i explain things?
did it in a matter-of-fact-ly manner.

honestly, i felt what i did was a bit shallow and "meaningless"
it was as if i wasn't sincere. lacked the fervor to share my reason.
the "plan" was just hanging by the corner
and i chose today to put an end on things.

by doing that, i've finally set the finish line for my life at faraway land.

i was pained after dropping the bomb.
it was as if the conversation was metered.
i feared that i'd jerk a tear if i divulged.
i tried to keep a smile on my face.
uttered a polite, "thank you".
stood up and closed the door behind me.

i know i should feel relieved after the whole ordeal.
but sadness dawned on me. lingered for a time.
i cried. some of them saw the tears from my eyes.
i cried even more after talking to a trusty mentor.

i love my job. i loved my job. no doubt.
but i should save myself in the process.
save that glimmer of optimism that's clinging.
before i become jaded...

i'm not closing my doors
it's just that i need a breather from all these.
maybe i'd be back, only God knows when...

maybe. just maybe...

(what if) i dont' budge

and i just had to do this again. sigh.

life is full of ironies.
when you don't speak up and assert your right,
people would step on you.
but if you opt to do otherwise,
it'd seem that you're acting rashly. famished for some sort of assertion.

life is more confusing than i (already) thought.
i used to be passive. saying, "okay lang. never mind. or hayaan mo na lang."
nowadays, i came to realize that that shouldn't always be the case.
but why is it that things still didn't go the way i thought it would?
bakit ganon? bakit parang ako pa rin ang lugi sa huli?
sinasabi ko lang naman kung ano ang tama. pero parang lumalabas pa rin akong mali?

yes, you can say that it's just money. heck, i used to even say that.
but then a friend told me that i shouldn't tolerate things. (not anymore)
well, yeah, maybe IT'S JUST MONEY.
but i was only claiming something that is due me.
i even calculated everything as you told i should. fairly and squarely.

haaay. yes, i know you wouldn't understand.
you may not read much into what i'm even feeling.
gusto kong maiyak. out of frustration.
heave a heavy sigh. get it out of my system.
whisper a silent prayer to God...
Lord, You know what I mean. Help me get by...

disclaimer: yes, i may be doing this during work hours. forgive me. i just felt like venting.

last look?

funny how we Pinoys can come up with witty (and not-so-subtle) jokes about anything.

case in point: ASIAN SPIRIT
"you fly to asia, and land as spirit..."
(hmmm... that was encouraging)

Masbate-Manila
28 October Sunday
725AM

"i almost thought i wouldn't reach the metro in one piece."

my trip to Masbate was nothing short of an adventure. pre-during-and-post.
and i couldn't afford to miss this for a blog entry...

"PRE"
consequently, our scheduled-Wednesday flight got canceled for some unannounced "maintenance" sched by the airline. all other flight options were fully-booked. so for our last recourse, we had to endure a grueling 12-hour travel by land and sea combined.

it's not that i'm complaining or anything (besides, the whole thing's over and done with). but it just sucked that i had to endure long hours of travel. exposed in the cold. seriously, it felt like i was inside one of those trucks with freezers in it. and every passenger seemed like preserved meat ready for delivery. gahd. that's actually why i wasn't able to get enough sleep. sob.


"DURING"
to make matters worse, minus the sleep and all the physically "rest" i needed. i was tasked to handle the training, straight from travel. hmmm. NGO work is not much of a slave driver, don't you agree?

I had to stand there. right in front of a crowd of forty(?). i was feverish, knees-weak but with much drive, i felt compelled to do the task assigned me. mamita said she can willingly take my place if i can't manage. but no, i didn't endure all those suffrage just so i could drop the whole thing. i should be the one to do the talking... specifically on this one. i own this topic. yes, the whole afternoon was my "show". and i just thank God for the grace. (thank God that the crowd was participative too!)

and of course, they had to maximize my presence and gave me (more) topics to discuss (and that was a four-day session, with a couple of days as "excess" from my original task).. hmmm. sulitin daw talaga diba? knowledge. the more you impart it, the more it will grow. but anyway, it was fun altogether. greater challenge meant another room for growth right?

well, the team was kind enough to give everyone a breather.
on the last day of training, we were all headed to have lunch by the island:)
twas a quick trip. semi on an eat-and-run mode. why? because we had to head back or else we'd get stuck. the waves were starting to grow wild. wind was strong. big fat drops of rain falling from the sky. twas a "bumpy" ride back to the hotel.

did i get scared? not entirely. i tried to look on the "happier" side of things. it felt like we were on a wild river-ride in some amusement park, only that this whole scenario is not manipulated or ployed. it's a man vs. nature ordeal. and we just thank God that we were able to cross the sea even before the weather got even more unimaginable. (nakakapanghina na natagtag ka sa waves).


"POST"
got up early for our 7am flight. hmmm. turns out, the flight was 2-hours delayed. great just great. should've spent those hours sleeping in...

this was only my second time to fly with Asian Spirit. but for some inexplicable sense, i got a bit claustrophobic when my foot stepped inside the "plane". i was having a hard time breathing. the aircraft was smaller than the first AS plane i rode in. i was joking with a colleague even before we took our seats. i've always been a window-type of person. and i was shocked to be seated right beside the propeller. hmmm. how convenient...

"if this would fly out of function, my head could be cut off"... i comicly remarked.
engines started running. we were out of the runway and out in the air after some minutes.
endless chic-chatter just so we could make ourselves preoccupied. then the flight became turbulent. i subtly held-tight to my seat. and was mouthing a prayer only i could hear.

this was by far, the most turbulent flight i've been in. it felt like we were in a "roller coaster" going up and down the trail. i can literally feel my tummy being left mid-air for some seconds. then we sensed that the aircraft was swerving. my prayer became more intense. i didn't want to die. didn't want to die this way. okay, i know that was a bit exaggerated, but i was honestly scared for my life. but i was trying to be candid about it. (hmmm. the perks of taking a rather small aircraft and setting it out in the vast sky.. in a rather gloomy and unpredictable weather)

well, the turbulent ride's a given when you take small aircrafts. and i guess, the descend (for not being smooth) is part of it as well...

with that, i'll never ever forget my Masbate experience. for what it is, from start to finish...
would i dare try it for the second time? we'll see...

Photo creds: the scratchy window. and the propeller outside. is the immediate view from where i was seated. Asian Spirit seat 4C. hmm. intereesting...

press release!

OMG!!!!
ohhh emmm geeee!!!

as i was browsing for something significantly relevant for the Women and Child Protection Unit IEC i was making, i stumbled upon this site and i was dumbfounded.

segue: during the early part of this month, i got interviewed for a local radio show. why? because we were disseminating info for the grand launching of the WCPU, a one-stop shop to cater for abuse cases. didn't know that it was a live interview. that my colleagues were listening as i was on-air. twas a cool take on things. tough luck, didn't get a copy of it as proof (i'll try to get one just so you won't say that i'm making things up)

so there. didn't know that everything i said and uttered was documented. and is now on the worldwide web. coolness. well, at least something more relevant about my life is now in the know (other than my pesky love blunders. haha)