11.22.2007

love-hate

i love it cos everything seemed new and exciting.
i hate it cos misadventures were tailgating.
i love it cos i thought i was making a difference.
i hate it cos it's more taxing than i thought.
i love it cos i get to go places.
i hate it cos it's too far from home.
i love it cos i get to meet various people.
i hate it that i had to learn how to deal with each of them.
i love it that here i was able to be part of a "family"
i hate it that the unit's slowly falling out.
i love it cos i get to be independent.
but i hate the fact i'm often left on my own. alone and "out of reach".
i love it cos i get to learn new things. about me. and about the world around.
i hate it cos i know that new knowledge entails more responsibilities. far-out expectations.
i love it cos i've seen myself grow and mature.
but just the same, i hate it cos a part of me is dying.
i love it cos i never thought i could do things that i'm doing now.
but i hate the fact that (i maybe) spreading myself too thinly.
i love it cos i know that i'm putting my "knowledge" to something of good use.
i hate it cos some don't seem to see the effort that i'm putting in.
but even if that's the case, i love it cos i feel fulfilled.
though i hate that at the end of the day, i'm pooped and unimaginably drained.
i love it cos it did entail perks that were rather unexpected
i hate it cos most of them are intangible. unseen to the human eye.
should i be more practical?
cos i really hate the part where i can't seem to claim what is due me.

is it worth the sacrifice? leaving the confines of my comfort zone?
"pushing yourself to the limits? squeezing yourself till there's nothing left?"

love-hate. save yourself. while there's still something left...

11.21.2007

(what if) i dont' budge

and i just had to do this again. sigh.

life is full of ironies.
when you don't speak up and assert your right,
people would step on you.
but if you opt to do otherwise,
it'd seem that you're acting rashly. famished for some sort of assertion.

life is more confusing than i (already) thought.

i used to be passive. saying, "okay lang. never mind. or hayaan mo na lang."
nowadays, i came to realize that that shouldn't always be the case.
but why is it that things still didn't go the way i thought it would?
bakit ganon? bakit parang ako pa rin ang lugi sa huli?
sinasabi ko lang naman kung ano ang tama. pero parang lumalabas pa rin akong mali?

yes, you can say that it's just money. heck, i used to even say that.
but then a friend told me that i shouldn't tolerate things. (not anymore)
well, yeah, maybe IT'S JUST MONEY.
but i was only claiming something that is due me.
i even calculated everything as you told i should. fairly and squarely.

haaay. yes, i know you wouldn't understand.
you may not read much into what i'm even feeling.
gusto kong maiyak. out of frustration.
heave a heavy sigh. get it out of my system.
whisper a silent prayer to God...
Lord, You know what I mean. Help me get by...

disclaimer: yes, i may be doing this during work hours. forgive me. i just felt like venting.

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11.03.2007

i apologize:/

i'm sorry if i acted the way i did.
i know it was part of a joke.
but it went overboard.
ticked me off, and i snapped.

threw fits of rage at you.
was that disrespectful?
didn't mean to act rashly.
i wish you were sensitive enough.

i value my friends,
just as much as i respect our family.
i hope not to do the same thing again.
i apologize, dad.

i value you. i hope you understand.

disclaimer:
words
. a way to express myself.
i wrote my dad a "letter", and felt hot drops of tears roll down my cheek.
i was hurt. i know they were too:(