isang linggong... NGARAGness.

lunes. err, magsimula tayo sa linggo.

linggo.
time with family. time for church. but no, what did i do?
i went straight to victory liner 'cause i was headed for baguio.
dumating ako don ng 9am, kasi ang mga kasamahan ko ay nasa airport na at on the way na raw.
ayun. medyo tinubuan lang naman ako ng ugat, at muntik nang tuluyang mamuti ang aking mga mata sa paghihintay.

may participants kasi kaming pasaway. may pinag-usapan na ngang oras e nagmimistulang di makaintindi.
haay. hassle. imbyerna even.

so to cut the long story short. ang departure time na 10am ay naging... 13opm. thank you.

ginabi na nga kami. tapos medyo organized pa yung aabutan namin dong registration ek ek. goodluck na lang diba? badtrip. pero di ako makareact. plastikan ever.

i vented this day's stress by sharing stories. nonsense stuff. brainfarts with a roommie.
we called it a night. sleepy time. happiness... may kasama kaming MALUPIT HUMILIK. 'nuff said.


lunes.
unang araw ng conference.
aba. ang gaganda ng mga kasama ko. gawin daw ba akong "lead coordinator" ng grupo.
should i feel honored. oo. dapat. but i know that it spells... N-G-A-R-A-G fest.

oo. alam ko, OC ako. and i tend to be super duper organized. and i admit, i hear people say that i am responsible. yihee. nagbubuhat ng sariling bangko. but thank you for giving me the burden. haaay.

madali lang namang mag-coordinate dahil may mga kasama ako.
but still, you can't have things in full control. hindi ako Diyos for that noh.
pero tama ba namang may marinig ka na...
"nakakahiya. galing pa naman sila sa region ko. ang gugulo raw."

aba. hindi namin kasalanan yon. magulo ang committee niyo. dapat nga magpasalamat kayo samin dahil dinala namin ang mga tao sa region niyo para mag-attend ng pakulong ito. tama bang sisihin kami? ayun.

natapos ang araw. tumungo kami sa SM baguio at nagpalamig ng ulo.
sleepy time. sleepless time. nagpasak nako ng bulak sa tenga. but no, malupit talaga siyang humilik. ang saya.


martes.
day two. iisipin mong hindi na ito magiging kasing gulo.
well. in fairness, medyo maayos naman ang araw na ito.
pero ewan ko lang ha, ang galing talaga ng mga organizers.
they manage to find things. or faults at that. that they could count against us.
salamat talaga ha.
"Plan. bakit parang wala kayong ka-plan-plan."

for that. nagmaganda na naman kayo. at naghugas kamay. strike two.

at ito pa, tatawag pa ang mga tao from our office. kesyo meron raw na mga kulang na documents.
hello. inayos ko yan bago ak o umalis. kaya ko bang maging clairvoyant at asikasuhin yan habang nandito ako sa baguio e lilipad ang aking diwa diyan sa far away land?
sana pwede nga. pero hindi diba?

to end the day. sleepless night number 3. Lord, have mercy.


miyerkules.
huling araw ng unang conference.
dapat wala nang gulo sa araw na ito. kasi nga closing day na diba?
but for that. congrats. you still managed to mangle things with and for us.
nasa inyo na nga ang full payment namin. IN CASH. pero nagawa niyo pa ring gumawa ng kaguluhan.

oo. i've been putting off that day for the issuance of the original receipt. thinking that by the end of the first conference, you'd manage to get things in order.

umalis muna kami at nag-ukay. haaay. life. ang happy na sana. pero bakit parang wala ako sa "up" mood for shopping. for that. dalawang jacket lang ang napamili ko. for now. sumama pa kami sa tour upang maalis ang isip sa ngaragfest na dulot ng unang aktibidades.

bumalik upang isettle na ang reg for the next activity.
teka. ano to? bakit parang may mali.
hmmm. tama bang i-charge sa NGO namin ang siyam na kataong hindi ko kilala. at ni hindi pamilyar ang mga pangalan?!?

ang galing niyo rin noh. para mag-advice na...
"mag-ingat kayo kasi baka malusutan kayo ng mga hindi niyo kilala. i-claim na from Plan sila."

aww. how sweet. concerned ang lola. when in fact, siya ang nagsingit ng mga unidentified humanoids na yon.
ano tingin mo sakin? tanga? i'm sorry. hindi ka talaga makakalusot sakin. sharp ata ang memory ko.

nanginig ka tuloy sa pag-confront ko sayo. for that. kinabog ka ng pag-iingles ko ano? i'm sorry, lola.
ganyan talaga. mukha akong underdog. pero wag mo akong iismolin.

wala kang nagawa ano? edi, maganda yang ibinalik mo ang sobra sa thousands na binayad namin sa inyo.

salamat sa tip. to get organized. ayan. buti naman at pinakilala niyo kami sa mga key persons ng committees niyo. and for that, thank you for making us a sub-committee. aba. ang gaganda niyo parang naging Plan-initiated na ang conference na ito para kami ay kumilos na kasabay niyo.
less load for you, grave problems for us. how fun can that get?

perks for the day. haaay. ang sarap pala na mahimbing ang tulog. di siya mapapantayan:D


huwebes.
sa totoo lang, nakakapagod na para i-recant ko pa ang highlights ng linggong ito.
unang araw ng pangalawang conference.
reg forms. check.
meal tickets. check.
training kits. ch--- ache che. nasan na ang kits namin?

ayan na nga at iniwasan na namin ang makisawsaw sa kaguluhan ng iba.
and in fairness to you, to ate rose specifically, i know that you've exerted much effort to get things organized.
i pity you. i pity your goddamnnn system. sobrang gulo. i'm sorry.
ang saya ng groupmates mo para magmaganda at di makipag-cooperate.

i know that you felt like crying that's why i didn't agitate you that much. madali akong kausap. ayaw ko ng eksena. ayaw ko ng gulo. and the least that you could do is give us what we rightfully deserve. kaya nga diba, early registrants. may benefits yan. bakit parang di ko masense?

at bakit may umi-eksenang bakling? akala ko ba, it's between you and me. ang mga arrangements ek ek na yan ay nasa konteksto na na ating pinagkasunduan. for that. i called for cover.

winarla tuloy ng mga matataray kong kasama ang baklita na yan. oo. i agree with you. masyado siyang pumapapel. for that, nagdemand na ako lang ang dapat ka-coordinate when it's pretty obvious na siya ay isang ekstra sa ating scenario.

the list of unfortunate events went on.

haaay. buti na lang at malamig sa baguio. kung hindi, baka tumaas na ang presyon ng dugo ko. kasing taas ng altitude natin. above sea level. kahit wala akong high-blood. at buti na rin ay may ukayan diyan everywhere. may outlet ako ng mga frustrations. ang saya ng mga good finds ko. best buy ang mga ito at that:D


friday.
thank god it's friday? well...
the saga went on. ang galing talaga nilang humanap ng butas.
but i'm sorry, di niyo talaga kami malulusutan.
"could you give me your meal ticket numbers..."

aba. pasalamat kayo na may sistema talaga ako. at nag-initiate na ilista ang mga meal ticket numbers namin. dahil kung hindi, goodluck talaga. idadamay niyo pa ako sa paghahagilap ng mga numerong iyon. aysus.

"meron kasing nagdoble e. we were just checking kasi it might have come from your group."

for that. mukhang kinareer niyo ang pag-label samin na "magulo at unsystematic". excuse me.
hello. you were the ones who gave us our meal tickets in bulk. and I am the only one distributing it to our participants SO it's very impossible for such "mishap" to happen. kumbaga e, ako na ang control person ng grupo namin. akala niyo ba makakalusot na naman kayo at mapagbabayad kami sa kakulangang kayo naman ang may gawa? aba. ang gaganda niyo mga lola ha!

i'm sorry. you picked the wrong person to "manipulate" or fool at that. not me, sweeties. NOT ME.

alam ko, medyo naguilty ako na nag-cut ako ng isang session para makapamili ng baguio goodies.
well, it was my loss. hehe. and for that, masasabi kong may pagsisi talagang nagaganap. yuck. im such a goody-goody. aack.


sabado.
huling araw ng linggo. huling araw ng conference two.
masasabi kong wala na talagang halos kangaragan sa araw na ito. haaay salamat.
medyo rin kasi uwing-uwi na ako.
buti naman at naisipan niyong mas paagahin ang closing program. buti talaga.

so ayun. natapos siya. haaay. at siyempre, kahit ngarag ever ang mga bida. hindi pa rin makakalampas ang mga photo ops. plastikan ever. marami-rami rin ung photos na yun with the bureau director ha. aba. parang bestfriends na tayo niyan ah. haha. remembrance ng exciting and super organized activities nila.

pero in fairness, we gained friends rin. si ate rose ang aking binabanggit. for that, i told her to breathe deeply as often as she could. kawawa kasi sila. kahit hanggang closing, ngarag ever pa rin. well, sana magmistulang leksyon ang mga congresses na ito para sa kanila. and for that, lesson learned rin siya para samin. more in the sense na... hindi namin gagayahin ang mga kapalpakan na yon, or if not, we'd do our best to have minimal mishaps as possible.

at upang isara ang linggong ito, sinikap ko pa ring makipagkita sa aking mga gradeschool friends. at nanood ng last full show ng DA VINCI CODE. (take note: ako yung taya. how great.) o diba, imbes na ipahinga ko na ung mga oras na yon dahil fresh na fresh ako from a long ride, e pinili kong makipaglamierda. kasi naman hindi ko na ulit sila makikita kasi pupunta na sila sa states next week. haaay.

e imbes na marelax. hindi ko maipinta kung natuwa ba ako sa pelikula.
una sa lahat, hindi ko nasimulan. great. bumili kasi kami ni marsy ng kape dahil sa takot na baka makatulog kami habang umiikit ang film.

pangalawa, hindi ko natapos ang libro. oo. sakit ko kasi yun, puro simula lang ang nababasa ko. and that holds true to this book by dan brown. medyo may pagsisisi na hindi ko natapos. i'll try to find a way to re-read the book.

pangatlo, medyo dragging nga ang mga eksena. ewan ko kung may AD/HD ako ha. pero un nga, i kept on fidgetting on my seat. as in, feeling ko kung katabi mo ako e pupuluputan mo na ako ng tali sa irita dahil ang kulit ko. again, nagsisi ako na hindi ko pa tinapos ang libro.

well, in fairness naman. may good sides rin ang film. it advances views on women. oops, hindi ko planong gumawa ng reaction paper ha. pero totoo, mas binubuksan ang kaisipan natin sa mga kakayahan ng mga kababaihan. it's not about being a matriarchal or patriarchal society . but it shows the possibility of an egalitarian one. for that, e implied un. well, that's my personal interpretation. mas nakita ko na pwede naman talagang may boses ang mg kababaihan at hindi ko lang lubos maisip kung bakit ito pinipigilan. it's not about the battle of the sexes but more on complementing and collaborating with each other. (oo na, idealistic but i believe that it is achievable).

hindi ko rin matanggap kung bakit R-18 ito. haaay. kay hirap talaga ng ubod na konserbatibong lipunan. oo, we can't erase the fact that we are a Catholic country. pero, hello. sa paglagay ng ganong rating, pinapakita lang nito na hindi talaga "grounded" ang mga tao sa sinasabing relihiyon. kasi kung secure talaga ang ating lipunan sa espiritwal na aspeto e dapat ay ginawa itong PG-13. it was a fictional story based on some facts taken from history. i think only a non-thinking human being would be fooled or lured to the message the movie was implying. maganda nga ang scheme ng book/film na ito because it tests your groundedness in the faith that you chose to take. and besides, it's not about the religion. it's the relationship that is more important. dahil ang relihiyon ay isang sub-culture na nilikha rin lamang ng mga taong tulad mo at tulad ko. it may flourish but you can't detach it from the fact that it is bound to fail somehow.

oo. maaring dragging nga ang pelikula. but you may see things beyond that if you start to think critically on the messages it tried to convey. actually, surfacing talaga yan. pero depende na lang ang mga ito sa interpretasyon ng manonood. be critical. ayun lang.

ito pa, mahal ko talaga si audrey tatou. mas maganda na ang role niya rito. mas may essence at depth.
congrats sa kanya. pero si amelie poulain pa rin ang favorite character ko. hehe.
oh well, dahil sa pelikula, medyo nangarap rin ako na sana ay isa akong magaling ng cryptographer, at marami ring alam na symbols.
ang cool kasi. nyak.

isang linggong ngarag. pushing yourself to hard.
it's not a good practice. go ahead and get some sleep.
i feel like my head has turned into an overblown balloon ready to burst.

au revoir.
bonjour, mois amis!

brainfarts.

random thoughts.random.thoughts.ran.dom.thoughts.

i'm too lazy to quote everything in FULL detail. ha! let's see what if i can be less wordy.

:) smells like teen spirit. i didn't realize i'd be this hooked on PINOY BIG BROTHER TEEN EDITION (tekx, di kita ginagaya. i've been meaning to write about it. haha. sorry.) i've been muttering this, "sana teenager pa ako!" haha. wishful thinking. as if naman i'm super old. watching them made me think about my teenage years. shucks. the issues. insecurities. feelings. discovering oneself. experimenting on things. ah, the life. you always thought that your life then was uber complicated. but seeing it from this lifetime, haha. laugh trip pala ang mishaps and adventures ko. oh well. i actually miss those carefree days. if only i could be 17 again. shucks. i'd be all over gerald. joke. as if. and oh, i love love mattie. and his afro hair:* mikee and his nerdy look. haha. and of course, kim. such a sweetie. and i appreciate olyn's bitchy vibe. i hope we could all be part of one clique. haha. asa pa!

?is it over? truly over? i believe i've said that i'm okay with things. currently. but honestly speaking, i sometimes feel those surging emotions flow through my system. haaay. buhay. kamusta naman yun diba? ilang araw na lang. doom's day na. well, not for me. hehe. basta, sinabihan na namin siya. at kahit saan pa naming angulo tignan... buhay niya pa rin yun so he should know better. sana lang hindi siya magsisi sa big step na gagawin niya. at ito talaga, good luck talaga. yihee. may hint of angst ba? pana-panahon lang yan. get a grip, hija. you're time will come when it's due.


!happiness. i didn't expect i could go home this coming weekend. hafiness talaga. well, i know. mababaw. but i'm just grateful. super grateful. that i get to go home every 2 weeks. FOR FREE. haay. if only, cebu pacific didn't complicate their frequent flier chorva. i'd be earning mounds of points now. bad trip kasi that our support center doesn't go for PAL. mas masaya kung mabuhaymiles. shiit. anong pinagsasabi ko? basta. ang saya lang that i'd be with my family again. just in time for them to talk more sense into me. chikahan ever. happy:D excited na ko. (sana lang maganda ang panahon upang di makansel ang aking flight)

truly-ly

Boredom. Surfing ever.
Nakita ko to sa page ni julia
Happiness talaga magbasa ng mga articles authored by UP students. yihee. biased.
astig to. laugh trip. at sobrang totoo. ISWAK nga. truly-ly:D


Ang Puno’t Dulo ng Pag-ibig
by Gmajor7, www.peyups.com

Nakakatawa talaga ang love. Isa siyang napakalaking oxymoron.
Lahat ng pwede mong masabi sa kanya, baliktarin mo at totoo pa rin.

Ang labo di ba? Pero ang linaw.

Masaya magmahal. Malungkot magmahal. Di mo naiintindihan pero naiintindihan mo. Walang rason. Maraming rason. Di mo na kaya, pero kaya mo pa rin. Masakit magmahal. Pero okey lang. Leche, ano ba talaga?!

May kaibigan ako, sabi niya dati “Love is only for stupid people.” Nakakatawa kasi laude ang standing niya, pero dumating ang panahon, na-in-love din ang hunghang. At ayun, tanga na siya ngayon.
Lahat kasi ng nahahawakan ng love nagiging oxymoron din. O kaya paminsan, nagiging moron lang.

Hindi lang kasi basta baliktaran ang pag-ibig. Lahat ng bagay nababaligtad din niya. Lahat ng malalakas na tao, humihina. Ang mayayabang, nagpapakumbaba. Ang mga walang pakialam, nagiging Mother Teresa. Ang mga henyo, nauubusan ng sagot. Ang malulungkot, sumasaya.

Ang matitigas, lumalambot. (At tumitigas din ang mga bagay na madalas nama’y malambot.)

Nakakatawa talaga. Lalo na kapag dumadating siya sa mga taong ayaw na talaga magmahal. Napansin ko nga eh. Parang kung gusto mo lang ma-in-love ulit, sabihin mo lang ang magic words na “Ayoko na ma-inlove!” biglang WACHA! Ayan na siya. Nang-aasar. Magpapaasar ka naman.

Di ba nakakatawa rin na pagdating sa problema ng ibang tao, ang galing galing mo?
Pero ‘pag problema mo na yung pinag-uusapan parang nawawalan ng saysay lahat ng ipinayo mo dun sa namomroblemang tao? Naiisip mong wala namang mali dun sa mga sinabi mo. Pero bakit parang wala ring tama?

Bali-baliktad din ang nasasabi ng mga taong tinamaan ng madugong pana ng pag-ibig. “Ngayon ko lang nalaman ganito pala. Sabi ko na eh!” “Ang sarap mabuhay. Pwede na ‘ko mamatay. Now na!”

At hindi lang ‘yon. Ang sarap din pagtawanan ng mga taong alam naman nilang masasaktan lang sila eh magpapatihulog pa rin sa bangin ng pag-ibig. Tapos ‘pag luray-luray na yung puso nila, siyempre hindi sila yung may kasalanan. Siya! “Bakit niya ‘ko sinaktan?” May kasama pang pagsuntok sa pader yon, at pagbabagsak ng pinto.

Hayop talaga.

Mauubos ang buong magdamag ko kakasabi ng mga bagay na nakakatawa ‘pag pag-ibig na ang pinag-usapan. Ang daming beses ko na kasi siya nakasalubong kaya masasabi ko nang eksperto na ‘ko.

Pero wala pa rin akong alam.

Pero ang pinakanakakatawa sa lahat ay ang katotohanang kapag gusto magpatawa ng pag-ibig, ipusta na mo na lahat ng ari-arian mo dahil siguradong ikaw ang punchline.

Nakakatawa no?

Nakakaiyak.

kudos

"the test of your character is what you would do if you knew no one would ever know"

"i'm super proud of you. kaya i told mom how u responded to the situation with maturity beyond your years.."

"i feel so so proud sa strongness mo... stay strong! i love you!:* "

"success in a relationship is not about finding the right person BUT becoming the right person..."

"Life must go on and know that GOD has a purpose in everything that had happened in your life and be thankful that you also experienced that and see the treasure in it..."


*******

days after that sorta heart-wrenching "meet".
i'm here and intact. and managed to be back in my own sanity.

i admit. i did feel like crying. but what can i do, i can't seem to shed a tear?!?
yes, i had my fair share of the "saddening" moment. and we were both well aware of it.

i guess. pain was truly part of the learning process.
call it emotional "maturity". being able to cope with the situation that easily.

BUT i'd like to see it as something i've grown accustomed to.
i don't intend to be preachy. but i think, the very reason behind that speedy coping mech
is my optimism.
being positive. but not on my sole efforts. but it's more on acknowledging that i have A BIG GOD Who's forever in charge.

instead of "running" to people. venting to my support group. i cried to Him. asking why i'd have to go through the same shiiet.

well. yes, it was sulking. but it was purposeful coz i poured it all to dear Daddy. (Who sees everything up there)

it took me a day or two to wallow. then i recanted every single moment to whomever was worthy of my trust.

i'd like to thank you for being there. thanks for the patience. the understanding.

thank you for your timely messages. your own words of encouragement. it did help me a lot:D

this is a shared victory.

i know that mom and dad are so so so proud of me. i've earned their trust. and to me, that is something irrevocable.

i've gained my sisters' confidence. they don't say much, but i can feel it.

every one who knows me. who knows my situation. knew how tough things were. and i thank them for keeping their minds open. and for NOT tolerating any of it. you guys are truly the bestest friends one can find. thanks for giving me a hard knock on the head. it was well worth it!:D

kudos.
to my parents for the values you've taught me.
to my sisters (cousinhood included) for not telling on me. (teehee)
to my friends for helping me weigh things.

and most of all, kudos to me.
coz at the end of the day, everything boils down to how i managed the situation.
me being right smack in the middle of it.
thank God, that little voice in me was too strong to resist.
i knew that was God telling me that there was something not-so right in the "seemingly" perfect situation i WAS in.


as i said, it was heart-wrenching. but it was well worth it in the end.
life is not just about rainbows and butterflies. the sheer beauty of it is seen in how you manage to see a dab of color in a bleak and murky scenario. then work your way from there.

oh yeah, i had last few straws of "troubling" thoughts prior to this. it hasn't been settled. but he said that he'd like to talk things with me (i believe for the last time. please be it the last). then i can say, that i am entirely free.

emancipation. is a process. i know that i'm getting there. one sweet step at a time.

boom. bamm. aack.

when it hits you. IT hits you hard.

is it possible for us to talk?
ganun. ganun tlga? when?
now.
okay. wait lang.

he wanted to clear things. finally. i thought this time would never come.

don kami by the beach. kung san kami dating nagbo-bonding.
ayun. kwentuhan muna about work. what's up etc etc.
then he asked if there are guys who are pursuing me as of the moment.
tinawanan ko lang siya.

hanggang nauwi na sa pagrereminisce niya.
actually, he was the one talking 75% of the time. time niya to e. so hayun.
he told me things i never knew before.
he said that he was interested agad. the first time he saw me. and wanted to get to know me tlga. etc etc.
tpos i appeared "so guarded"... which challenged him more. coz he thought that it'd be worth it.
tapos un, he said that he was starting to fall for me. (of course, he didn't tell me that then).
tpos he told himself that he loves me raw. and very very much at that.
na ang saya raw siguro kung maging girlfriend niya ako.

so ako, nashock ako nung sinabi niya un. prang may kilig factor when i heard him say that.
of course, i ddnt show him. pero somehow, i felt that lang. as in, ang alam ko lang that he likes me.
but i ddnt know that he LOVES me pala. kasi para skin, it's too soon to find out. or sakin lang un.

so un nga, umasa siya that somehow something good would transpire from our set-up.
nag-risk siya by asking me out to dinner for the first time, at nagulat siya na pumayag ako.
(on my end, i ddnt assume that it was something "romantic".. oh well.)
tpos sinabi nya na ang saya-saya nya tlga kpag magksama kami. etc etc. at ndevelop daw tlga siya sakin.
at grateful siya na sumama ako sa "bondings" nmin. na in reality ay "dinner dates" nman tlga. which lasted for about 2 months ata. ewan ko.

so diba, MU tlga kami. hello. nafi-feel nga niya na gusto ko rin siya. pero un nga, sbi niya, gusto tlga niya akong mging gf pero tumagos daw tlga ung sinabi ko sa knya na.."BE RESPONSIBLE". so he moved back a step. sabi pa niya sakin, "bakit kasi ngayon ka lang dumating?" at ang sagot ko nman ay, "sisihin daw ba ako?!?"
tpos he had this goal, to get married this year, and he's not yet certain who he'd want to marry. ung joke pa niya skin, kung sinong interested daw ay pde. i thought he was just kidding. and he even interjected na... kung sinabi ko raw na... "id marry you!" e kasal na un agad. as if nman diba? hello?!? tpos biglang nag-sink in sa kanya na bata pa nga ako. (he's 29, so 7 years ung age gap)
pero un nga. kung sinabi ko raw na interested ako. he'd be very willing to take me as his bride.
(hindi pako ganon kahibang!)

nsabi pa niya na, "ang swerte ko siguro kung maging asawa ko si miday." siguro. maalaga siya.
(tpos ngkwento pa siya na naiimagine pa nga raw niya na wifey niya nga ako..ibang level diba?) i have mentioned before na ung love ko for my family ang isa sa mga characteristics ko na super gusto niya talaga. so he saw that i had the potential. prang ganon.

nung magkasama kami. may mga odd quiet moments kami.
ung mga tipong napapatulala lang ako sa kawalan. tpos pag tingin ko, tinititigan na pla niya ako.
so bakit ako napapatulala? hindi ko rin alam. haaay. siguro prino-process ko ung mga narinig ko na parang hindi totoo. at siguro confused ako. kasi nga, special siyang tao sa buhay ko. and now, he's slipping off my fingers. :(

ako kasi ung tipo ng tao na matagal madevelop. so by the time i feel that i really like the guy, siya na ung nawawala sa set-up. im not saying nman that he lost his feelings towards me. sabi nga niya na he loves me very very much. pero ayaw niya akong saktan. at ayaw niya ring masaktan kaya he's being responsible about the situation. (sawi ba tlga ako sa pag-ibig?!? may ganitong factor tlga akong binanggit diba?)

i shared with him na lagi na lang ganto. ung mga guys who happened to like me, they always end up in someone else's arms. at ako, empty-handed in the end. i do get hurt. but i recover right away. well. siguro, i claim that. pero may mga recurring thoughts of what might have been. tapos nagwish pa siya "that i'd be with a responsible man. who would respect and care for me." (napaka-movie like nman ata nito.huwat a scenario diba?)

as in, the whole time. i could feel that he regrets it. by it i mean... na hindi nga kami naging "us". as in, paulit-ulit niyang sinasabi na. "sayang" or di kaya'y "nanghihinayang" daw tlga siya. bkit daw kasi "ngayon lang ako dumating". tpos un pa, the "be responsible" dialogue continuously rings on his ears.

basta, parang ang drama ng scenario na to. prang sabi nga niya, gusto niyang maiyak.
ako rin, on my end, i felt like crying. as in, nararamdaman ko yung heart ko na gusto niyang magshed ng tears (umiiyak na pala ang puso ngayon).
basta, malungkot ang eksena. sabi niya, let's not be sad. at hiniritan ko siya, mag-assume daw ba na malungkot ako!?! tpos tatawa na lng kami.

so basically. sadness. disbelief. at regret. ang emotions na npapaloob sa eksena diba. at ito pa, may clincher. at ito ang pinakamalaking shock na aking hinarap. he said that he's getting married. (shucks. seryoso pala siya nung mga panahong iyon) at sobrang soon ha. grabe. ibang level to.
kaya inulit niya ung hirit na, "hindi ka kasi pumayag na ikaw e." don ko tlga naisip na, magkaiba tlga kami ng priorities. at may factor tlga ang age.


so un, ngkwento siya about his wife-to-be. un ung current gf niya. 11 months na sila. (at kami as friends, 7 months. hehe.) kaya nga inulit na nman niya na, "huli ka kasing dumating."
haaay. ngayon. naisip ko na. may mga basis pla ung mga songs na naririnig natin. kala ko noon, kinakanta lang siya to sell records. yun pla, based on experience ang mga lyrics don. hehe. (at ang pinaka theme song niya pra skin: bakit ngayon ka lng. how fitting diba?!?)
at ako ngtanong naman ng mga fitting questions like: where are you staying? does your family know? e ur parents? mga ganyan. at sabi pa niya, dapat nga i-invite kita e. and i told him, "ngek. wag no. it would be hard for you."

so pano ung atmosphere nung gabing un. generally. calm nman. i mean, ung mga kwentuhan nmin prang friends exchanging stories. ngcocomment ako kung gusto ko. ngkwe-kwento ng mga experiences. mga ganyan. basta. may times na light lang. natatawa kami. tpos mg-aappear. tapos biglang mgsshift sa reminiscing about our "moments". biglang tatahimik. tpos regret would seep in. he said pa that he wanted to hug me. kaya lng, he's sweaty raw so tatawa na nman kami. basically ganyan.

nsabi ko rin sa knya na ndisappoint ako sa knya, when he declined in visiting my family. sabi niya, nahiya nga ksi siya. kasi naconfront ko na siya nun on our situation. and he added na ayaw niya madisappoint ang family ko. as if nman id introduce him as my boyfriend. i emphasized pa nga that "i just found it weird that he wanted to meet my family but declined when he had the chance to do so." so there. medyo, i felt nman that i vented some of my emotions.

at ito. wag nyo akong huhusgahan ha? he approached me. gave me a tight embrace. and kissed me on the cheek. pumayag ako. at hindi ko alam kung bakit. oh well. pero ito, when he did that, medyo nalungkot na nman ako. buti na nga lang hindi ako naiyak. hehe. (siguro nga, nasasayangan rin ako. oh well.) at hinirit nya, na gusto niya akong i-kiss sa lips... at siyempre, malaking "huwaaat???!??" ang nsabi ko. at natawa na nman kami. hindi pde un noh. bwhahahaha. ano siya sinuswerte?!?

feeling niyo ba na may closure na ang lahat? closure na bang masasabi ang mga pangyayari? especially because he's gonna settle down na? well, personally, mas ayaw ko nang ma-involve sa situation coz it's more complicated. ibang level na ang pumatol sa may asawa noh. hehe. pero un nga, it's just not meant to be. kahit alam pa nmin na we feel mutual attraction towards each other. we opted to act responsible about it. pero at the same time, i feel like im always being tested when it comes to love. lagi na lng akong "sawi". i know im not supposed to feel self-pity. pero medyo it's part of it. i have to get thru it. minsan naiisip ko na am i bound for celibacy? ngak. ayaw ko nman.
gusto ko nman maranasang maging girlfriend to the man i would truly love and respect. pero kelan kaya un? haay. lagi na lng, close. but not quite:(

i told him na. na-apektuhan rin pla ako. hehe. after i've slept on the issue, saka lang siya ngsink in sakin.
at sabi niya, pagpray raw nmin na ung mutual feeling nmin ay maconvert tlga to friendship. wag raw akong malungkot. and ayaw rin niyang malungkot. in fairness, i've somehow felt that i've found a real friend in him. a guy friend that i could confide in. pero siguro nga, dapat wag muna kaming magpaka-close sa ngayon dahil baka ma-rekindle lang ang flame na pilit naming "pinapatay" if i may say that. haaay.

i felt like crying. sulking even. as in, deep inside me parang may hint of hurt. i wanted to shed tears pero hindi siya lumalabas. naiyak ako pero konti lang. haaay. please pray for me. i know that God is testing me. please pray that i'd have the strength to really move on. haaay. im being positive. im doing the best i can to be one.

ganon pla un. bigla kong naisip ung episode na napanood ko. friends sila who found out they have feelings for each other. nauna kasi yung guy na dati pang may gusto e, he's secretly inlove with the girl then he finally told of his feelings. tpos when the girl finally realized what she's feeling, the guy's getting married. when i watched that (before pa) i thought that it doesn't happen in real life.
taddah. im in the same scenario now. boo for me. :,( haaay. life is truly complicated.

allow me to wallow (wallow na pala to) for now. after this, i'd be positive about God crafting my love story. haaay. i just pray that my man is very well on his way...

haay. ano ba ang masasabi niyo? i ddnt mean for this to be uber long. pasensius.
i just felt like venting. haaay. ang komplikado pala tlga ng pag-ibig or anything related to it.

o sha. thanks for bearing with me.
aja for me!:D