indigestion

before anything else, i suggest that you keep an open mind and utter patience as you would read through this whole sentimental blurb that i would have.

i know that i have the tendency to keep things to myself. maybe it's because i'm being extra careful as to whom i would disclose fragile bits of my life. so you should feel grateful. haha. so egoistic of me!
okay. i'd quit beating around the bush. here goes... nothing.

before i even got to our Program Unit, i'm hearing stuff about you.
"Ah, nandon si _________.... yung Amerasian!"

"Si ____, bagay kayo non! Kaya lang baka hindi mo siya type kasi maliit siya."

"Naku. Pagnakita ka non. Mgkakagusto sa'yo yun!"

O, diba. ang OA! haha. at the back of my mind, i was thinking. ano naman sakin yun? hindi naman ako ppunta sa faraway land para don noh. why do they keep on teasing him to me?!?

As in, it was so weird. Yun lagi ang sinasabi nila skin whenever they hear that i would be deployed to faraway land. Oh well, i didn't pay much attention to it na lng.

Then i finally reported to our team. At the roadshow. siyempre, wala akong kakilala. haha. except for PUM kasi i saw him na sa CO. so un, you were easy to spot. duh! ikaw lang naman ung mukhang mixed breed don noh. haha. so naisip ko. ah. un pala yung _____. un lng. Ewan ko if it's okay to share this,pero aside from that. seeing you. un na un. hehe. the one who caught my eye was _____. hehe. kc tanned siya... mukhang surf dude. (note: mababaw crush to ha.. nothing more than that)

Anyway, in fairness to you, my impression of you was that you were very much accommodating and friendly. You were popping comments or saying stuff just so i'd be comfortable. being the newbie and all. So un, you've somewhat gained some points in matters of friendship. i felt na, okay pala tong maging kaibigan. since then, i felt that you'd be one of my good friends in the PU. (ewan ko, kung tama nga ung presumption ko) Siguro nakita ko ung pag-eeffort mo to talk to me. i mean, not everyone was that approaching kasi nga may language barrier. kailangan pa nilang mgtagalog just so they could talk to me, plus, i know for a fact that i look mataray. well, that's a given.

I was unsuspecting. as in, ayaw kong lagyan ng kulay ang mga bagay. lahat ng mga teasing ng mga tao. kung kani-kanino na lng ako tinutukso. inisip ko. cge, go lang. wag kang mapipikon. joke time lang lahat to. so un.
Hindi ko rin in-expect that we'd be close friends(?). Where did this all begin? Sabi mo don sa late dinner. Sumama ako kasi may catch. ihahatid moko coz it was a bit late for me to go home alone. So here are my thoughts regarding that night and what had transpired onwards. Nung late night dinner, wla lng siya sa akin. inisip ko, i owe you kaya i have to go with you. and besides, we had a deal: you'd bring me home if and only if i go with you to dinner. so sumama ako. what the heck. it was no biggie! tpos you were commenting parang mga palipad hangin. but i didn't pay much attention. kasi nga feeling ko it was part of the "joke" that people seem to bring me. hehe. so, un. the night ended. we shook hands. i seriously thought. ano un? business deal?!? haha. tpos sabay pinch on the cheek. what for?!?

the next day. i asked for your help. techie stuff. haha. i was panicky na kc nga 1st training ko un. haha. and you came by to help. sobrang grateful ko non. i was sincere when i said that you were a lifesaver. sabi mo, bolera rin pala ako. oh well. tpos non. text galore na. (tama ba? dito ba un ngstart?)

tpos i was headed for manila. yipee! pero we still communicated. ngek. haha. siyempre, being back to the city for the first time. endless ang kamustahan. ppl were curious about my adventures. how was faraway land? work? etc... and my cousins were prying. asking if may mga gwapo etc. kung may boylet. the usual things girls talk about. so, i shared about you. kahit hindi kita boylet. pero wla lng, kinuwento ko lang na may constant katext ako. tpos we were still communicating that time diba? so i let my sweetue read it. sabi niya. parang may meaning yung mga texts niya. i didn't want to assume na meron. kahit na medyo may inkling ako na mga palipad hangin to. hindi ko pa rin nilagyan ng kulay. haha. so un, pinapadescribe ka nila. sabi ko, amerasian. gwapo. naks. haha. e di ang saya-saya nila for me. sabi ko, hindi pde, may girlfriend ata siya. hehe. feeling ko lang na meron. i didn't ask about it. observations lang. and because of that, they quickly said. ay, wag mo na lng ituloy. mahirap yan.

the long break was over. it was time to report back to the PU. shuxxx. pano kaya to? oh well. to be honest with you. i was a bit weirded out. with the turn of events. pero sige lang, i pretended that nothing was on. deadma. yan ang tawag mo diba. yup, dinedeadma ko na lang ang lahat. i was having tiny predicaments. but i never told anyone about it. as in. yung mga emotions ko, everything was locked in me. days. weeks. months passed. i was still quiet about this part of me. ssh. wag mong ishare kahit kanino. ito ata yung time na nagppalpitate ako parati. stress un sa work. pero may halo na palang iba. nagrereklamo ako na hindi ako makahinga. sabi nila, baka damdamin yan na hindi mo maipahiwatig. at the back of my mind, hala. obvious na kaya? tsk tsk. haha. tapos un, tatawa na lng kmi . haha. little did they know that they were thisclose to finding out the truth. oh well. i gave in. i can't bear keeping things to myself anymore. so i shared stuff. para nman may support system ako. they were happy to find out about it. they said that they had a clue all along. obvious raw kasi na may certain awkwardness between us. prang may spark raw pag nagsasalubong tayo. talk about vivid descriptions diba? ang OA. prang sobrang animated naman ata non. well, that's how they saw it. wla na tyong mgagawa.

come Christmasttime, our other colleagues started to notice that there's this certain closeness between us. Tpos at the end of the geno, ung may mga mala-recollection chorva non. we exchanged candles. natatawa ako non. kc prang ang weird. tapos diba, ngbeso tayo? tama ba? hehe. tpos non. everyone was seated in a circle. mgkatabi tyo. and someone was pushing. hmmm. tsk tsk. and then you and a friend separated from the group. sabi niya, kinonfront ka raw niya for me. what's the deal?!? etc etc. and then, as finale.. may singing-"family" singing parang ganon. again, we were beside each other. hands held together. inayos mo siya, so that our fingers were intertwined. i saw you were blushing. tpos ung mga colleagues natin, nang-aasar na namn. haaay. pero sige lng. tapos parang npansin ko that you were playing with my hand. tapping it. saying na malamig siya. ganon tlga ako. my hands are clammy. pasmado tpos ng-aadapt sa temperature. you were trying to make it warm. hehe.

if that wasn't enough. i've been hearing comments from the people around.
"bagay talaga sila o. parehas silang maputi."

"bagay tlga kayo. gusto ko kayo for each other. kaya lang, may gf ata siya e."

"tingnan mo yan, yang lalaking yan. kung nasan ka, gusto nandon rin siya."

those were just some of it. as in, ang rami tlgang mga comments. but i just shoved it off. i don't want things to sink in kasi baka mali lang ang lahat.
tpos Christmas party na. exchange gift. i couldn't forget that _expression on your face when you found out that i got you. haha. winner. super surprised na mixed emotions na ewan. so siguro para sa mga onlookers, confirmed! haha. i even heard someone say, naku. lumabas na ang tunay na nararamdaman. ngak. haha. sabi nila, parang may meaning tlaga un. ung beso mo sa knya tpos ung tight hug niya sayo. tapos parehas pa kyong ngblush. hehe. ganon pala ung itsura non. haha. embarrassing. haha.

i believe that that somehow paved a way. kc na-observe ko na feeling close ka na agad. you were more expressive about your emotions. i was speechless. why? because i was overwhelmed with the turn of events. inisip ko, bakit mas touchy na siya? hala. kaya, i opted to dock my face on the pillow. hindi ko kc alam kung anong sasabihin. anong gagawin. that somehow was my way of escaping from whatever this was.

hindi tayo masyadong ngkikita or mgkasama. kasi sabi mo, nahihiya kang lumapit sa kin. hello. i'm still me. wla akong split personality. porque nasa manila, ibang tao na ko? hehe. oh well. so un, there was this time that you claimed that was insignificant to me. un ba ung, PPM tutorials? hehe. was that something to be celebrated? hehe. ano bang meron don? goodnight kiss on the cheek. i'm sorry i was too sleepy to even remember that it was something worth remembering. pero ito na lng. nagulat ako that you kissed me on the cheek. parang ako, huh? nakiss ako sa cheek?!? bakit? tpos u often called me sa room, checking up on me. hanep. talo mo pa ang parents ko. hindi ko nga sila nakausap during my whole stay at the hotel e. well, thanks for the concern. then you asked if i could join you for coffee before you'd finally leave for faraway land. i said, ok. pero nag-EK ka diba. buti na lng hindi tlga ako super anticipating. hehe. so un, you've got plans, i had mine too. then you texted at the wee hours. saying good night and that you'd miss me. you were shocked to find out that i was still up. hehe. so un, you asked if you could see me for the last time. (ano yan, mamatay ka na ba? joke.) so, pumayag ako kc hindi pa nman ako natutulog. ngkwento ka about EK. etc etc. you asked me if i could go with you to your room. ako prang, dapat hindi sasama. but what the heck. i went with you. and you gave me that set of plates you got from the exchange gift. sosyal un ha! corel(?) plates. honestly, natawa tlga ako don. inisip ko, plato?!? haha. astig to ah. so un. we went back to my room. stayed by the doorstep. sat there and ngkwentuhan pa rin. honestly, i was a bit shy that time. hehe. kasi nga, im not used to hanging with boys. haha. let alone be stuck with just one diba? haha. basta un, bonding time ended. we said our goodbyes. you asked if you could embrace me. inisip ko, bakit na nman? ang oa nman nito. pero cge lng, you gave me a tight hug. and said that you'll miss me. hehe. i didn't reply not even a single word. tpos ngtext ka.. ang bango ng buhok mo. hala. i didn't know that you caught a whiff of my hair. nahiya ako non. of course you wouldn't find out. haha.

so un, holidays na. you called me up frequently. my sisters were teasing that they'll tell on me.. to my parents. tawa lang ako. pero tlga, ang weird. why did you have to call that often? sayang sa load. haha. tpos you asked for my home number. inisip ko. mglolong-distance ka? grabe na. and you said that there's no difference. oh well. ikaw nman yan. so un, you tried to stay in touch. you made me feel special. hanep. then the unthinkable happened, i lost my phone. boo for me:( nlungkot ako kc may sentimental value un. at siyempre, i felt a bit sad kc losing that phone meant no communication with you. nasanay na kc ako. haha. (of course, hindi mo yan alam diba?) tpos yan, sabi ng cousins ko, hala. pano na si ______? baka isipin non, iniiwasan mo siya. hala. haha. as if may choice ako diba?

so far, what's running in your head?!? hmmm. baka iniisip mo. grabe. ang dami ko pa lng mga moments na hindi shini-share sayo. haha. ganyan tlga. oh well. hindi ko alam kung tama ba tong ginagawa ko, but i believe that this is one way to clear things in my head. kaya bear with me. im getting there na...
so un, i reported back to the PU. nsense ko na ung mga taong ka-close ko, super namiss tlga ako. well, namiss ko rin ang mga tao:D hehe. so between us, prang wlang pagbabago. i bet you guys were talking about me while i was away. haha. oo na. ang feeling. pero diba, chance niyo na yun to talk about things. kasi i wouldn't find out. hehe. oh well, since then, what had happened? frequent "bondings". alam mo, nakakahiya un on my part kasi ikaw ang laging nagbabayad. i felt that it was a bit unfair on your part. haha. pero ayaw mo kasi akong pabayarin kaya un. and i thought, siya ang ngyaya, siya ang mgbayad. haha. as if nman kcng mangyayari na ako ang mg-iinvite diba?

hmm. and then you kept on giving hints about saying something to me. and then you dropped the bomb, you told me that you like me very much. tpos ako, no comment. i didn't know what to say kasi. in reality, in shock ako. hehe. kaya hindi ko alam kung anong tamang sabihin. ganito na lng, thanks. hehe. remember, i asked you why? kasi hindi tlga ako naniniwala na wlang reason behind it. then i said, wala nman akong ginagawa for you to feel that way towards me. i mean, ngpapapansin ba ko? hindi nman. hindi nga kita pinapansin, unless needed. hehe. so un, that left me thinking. may ganon ba tlga akong certain vibe na nssend that ppl are drawn to me. wait, before you say that ang kapal ko. yan kc ang observations ko. ppl tend to be that way to me. when i'm not doing anything nman. haaay. buhay.

o ayan. okay ba? backgrounder yan. para you know where i stand. hehe. so, brace yourself. coz this is where the real meat comes in. as i mentioned, maintain that open mind and utter patience. you'd need it.

premise #1: people are starting to notice
i don't know what they see or sense. basta, feeling ko they have a certain hint that there's something. hmmm. ewan ko kung pano nila un nakikita. haaay. baka naman kinukwento mo sa lhat ng tao. haha.
grabe tlga. ppl are so upfront. they often ask me this question, boyfriend mo ba siya? or kayo ba? basta. mga ganyang tanong. tpos ako, siyempre ang sagot ko. hindi po. friends lang kami. o diba, ang showbiz. pero un nman tlga diba? we're friends right? tpos sasabihin nila, ay, hindi pa pla. kala ko kasi kayo na. huwaaaaat?!?

premise #2: constant "bonding" sessions
haha. alam ko, natawa ka one time. slip of the tongue. you said the word "date". haha. actually, dating nga un. oo. let's be truthful. we are dating. ayaw ko lang gamitin ung term na un kasi nga, it makes me uncomfortable. kasi to me, dating means you'd have to look your best, do your best, and be your best just so you could make a good impression on the person you're with. and that to me seems so fake and superficial. para sa kin, hindi ko makikilala ng totoo ung kasama ko kung ganon nga ung premise. so i opt to use the term, "bonding"... kasi that would condition me to think that this is just nothing. friends hanging out. being true to themselves. sharing sentiments and what not to the person their with.

premise #3: on being just friends
yup. as showbiz as it sounds. we are just friends. i think i've made that clear already. diba? we agreed pa, but you seem to act otherwise. meron ba namang friends na touchy-feely? hindi lang ako kumikibo. i mean, you often catch me staring blankly unto the horizon. kasi iniisip ko kung bakit ako nasa ganitong situation. at hindi ko maverbalize ang lahat. kaya hindi rin ako nag-rreact. i mean, i bet you can sense that i'm a bit uncomfortable with your touchiness. (hindi ko naiintindihan... why i let you hold my hand that long. why i let you give me soft pecks on the cheek. why i let you give me warmth and security with those tight hugs and embraces. haaay. whenever i recant those moments, i get cold shivers.. prang out of fear and then i begin to feel troubled. and these things were inexplainable.) hindi rin ako magpapakahipokrito. it feels good to be cared for. i can feel naman that your touchiness comes with sincerity at hindi siya sheer "drobo". okay lang nman sana ang lahat kung...

premise #4: walang sabit
we know for a fact that you are attached. i know, this is so NOT my business. i mean, you are entitled to your own personal life. so why else should i ask about her diba? by probing on your relationship would mean that i'm so eager to find out what our status is. i mean, you were together (and still are) when i got into the picture. at kahit ano pang sabihin natin, ako ang magiging kontrabida dito. even if it was you who have felt something towards me. (and i remember you mentioned this, "you are entitled to your own happiness, especially now that you're not yet married")
i know. i should've confronted you long before pa. but i felt like i don't have the right to do so. mag-ano nga nman kasi ba tayo? i bet, if i stepped up sooner... it would made you think that ang feeling ko nman. clingy agad. hayok sa commitment. kaya i didn't say anything. but im telling you, i've thought about our situation ever since all these have started.

premise #5: truth or consequence...
you were curious about what i had told them right? well, i told them this... i like you. why? because you seemed kind, sweet, and accommodating. i like you, but i can't imagine us being together. you, being my boyfriend. then may follow up question un, so, may pag-asa ba siya? sabi ko. siguro, pero di pa ngayon. o diba, ang safe ng sagot ko? but that was the truth. i like you rin. naks. pero i'm sorry. kasi hindi pa siya ganon kalaki na i'd want us to be together. oh well, i felt it was unnecessary for you to know, kasi naman, actions speak louder than words diba? unless, manhid ka.

obvious kaya that im interested. why else would i go with you in the first place? hello, namention ko diba before na if i don't like the person, i tell him right away just so i wouldn't keep his hopes up. kawawa nman ksing magpaasa. haha. ang yabang ata non. pero ganon tlga ako. i don't want to step on ppl's feelings kasi. mabuti na yung sabihin agad, kesa ipa-grow pa tpos wla nman pala tlgang mag-gain diba?

speaking of consequence... i'm being extra careful on things especially when emotions are entailed coz i believe in the principle of sowing and reaping. if i wouldn't think much on things and sugod lng ng sugod, i know for a fact that i'd suffer gravely in the end. kaya un, i'm super watchful. kasi alam ko na domino effect ang mangyayari dito when the worse situation comes.. do you get my point?


o ayan. with those 5 premises i hope you now know where i'm driving at. so, what am i trying to say here.

diba, parang wala akong pakialam sa situation.. but in reality, i've dissected every little part of it. haha. sinuri ko ang bawat angulo kasi baka may part na pdeng makalusot. well, to my dismay, wla. wla tlgang good side. sorry. being the good girl (ahemm.) that i am. i can't bring myself to go on pretending that there's nothing wrong. and i can't seem to tolerate things anymore. there's this little voice in me saying that i should regroup. refocus. reorganize. refresh things.

alam mo, i didn't plan to tell you this much this time... if only you didn't come across my guy friend's email... ung pacific ocean. i actually felt hot flushes (out of embarrassment) when you called my attention because of it. kasi nman alam ko na kung ano ang nakalagay don. well, you claimed that you didn't read it (hindi nman ako ngtatanong. bakit ang defensive mo non? hmmm.) but i'd like to believe otherwise. haha. malay ko ba kung chismoso ka. well, stuff inside that email were rather serious. sobrang serious niya that i convened with my support system and they've helped me weigh on things. un nga, they've help me decide. and the verdict was...to confront you. no more delays! kaya ka nga nmin ininvite that night. hehe. dpat ico-confront na kita. but you declined. maybe it was God's way of saying, it wasn't time yet, my child.

i would like to thank you for not texting that weekend. seriously, inisip ko. baka busy or walang load. i didn't know naman na tinutuo mo ung sinabi ko na "wag kang magtxt. try mo na wag akong ma-miss".. e joke un. haha. oh well. thanks for not texting tlga kasi that paved the way for me to reflect on the situation. that moment of silence settled those dusty clouds off my mind.

meron rin akong personal struggles. that little voice that i'm talking about. i believe that it 's God telling me that i'm not doing the right thing. remember you've asked if i'm religious? and i answered that i'm spiritual. I have established a personal relationship with my Maker. and that's what keeps me sane. that's what gives meaning to my life. i didn't mean to sound preachy but i felt that i'd have to share this so that you'd understand me better. yan ang dahilan kung bakit never akong nagka-boyfriend. i believe kasi that God is still preparing my man. He's crafting him to be the best partner for me... to complement my personality. so, in the time being, i should focus on my personal relationship with HIM first... kasi nga ang lahat ay preparation: prine-prepare niya kaming dalawa. gets mo? i know that sounded too idealistic but that's how i see things. that's how i view my situation. i don't feel bad that im unattached. well, i admit, i do get curious sometimes. too curious that i begin to lose hope. i often get the this reaction from ppl, "sa ganda mong yan, never kang ngka-boyfriend?" well, that's the whole crude truth of it all. but i don't see it as a mishap. being single has a lot of benefits. it makes you enjoy life more. explore a lot more things. being carefree. being responsible to your own happiness. plus, i could spend much time with my Supreme Being. inaayos Niya ako. naiintindihan mo ba? yan tlga ang reason. hehe. if it's God's time... then everything will fall into place. wlang efforts. well, siguro may struggles but you'd get through it together. that to me is a God-written love story... and i've surrendered my life to Him. coz i know that He'll never leave me no matter what. i've been through a lot of tough times, and i've proven His Word true. ayan. yan ako, in terms of my spirituality:D that's how my parents have reared me. to be trusting towards people... and most especially to HIM. :D


cge, i'll say this flat out. alam mo ba, naiinis ako sa situation... sa turn of events. sa sobrang inis, i felt like crying. alam mo un, i'm in the brink of shedding hot, angry tears. haaay. don't get me wrong. hindi ako naiinis sa'yo. naiinis ako sa nangyayari. why me? why me of all people? why do i always get mangled into shitty dispositions? haay. grabe na. lagi na lng akong may mga complicated encounters. nakakapagod na ksing mg-ayos ng mga ganito. draining ang confrontations. traumatic pa... maybe this is why i'm afraid of commitments... why i veer away from relationships. haaay:

you might think that i'm overreacting. I'm sorry. but this is just how i am. I am a very analytical person. kahit maliit na bagay, hindi ko papalusotin ng wlang dahilan. i believe that there's a reason behind every situation no matter how insignificant it may seem. nasabihan nako ng maraming beses na grabe ka, head over heart ka tlga. oo. i admit. i am that. rational thinker ako. pero feeling ko, nasobrahan nman ata. haaaay.

so, linawin natin ang lahat... i'm cool with us. being friends. i mean, that's what we intend to be diba? you should be grateful kasi i usually stay away from someone who've told me how he feels towards me. as in, kapag nalalaman ko na may nagkakagusto sakin, lumalayo tlga ako. kasi naiilang ako. kaya nga nagtataka ako na hindi nako ganon ngayon. well, maybe it has something to do with maturity. baka nga nag-mature nako in that sense. hehe:D

how should i say this.. hmmm.. sorry tlga. i didn't mean to pry or anything. well, being the inquisitive kid that i am... mahilig mangialam ng gamit. i checked out your pile of books.. ung may dictionary etc, then i came across your copy of the Little Prince, i told myself, astig may copy siya nun. so i grabbed it. little did i know that it was a gift from "your pumpkin". sabi ko sarili ko, yikes... nangialam ako. bad. and then ng-flash sakin ung rhetoric question na ni-raise ng isa kong friend, "let's put you in this situation: say, you are his girlfriend whom he swore his heart belongs to... the girl who's been eagerly anticipating for his man's return, how would you feel if you'd find out that there's this other girl that he's starting to be truly fond of?" (hmmm. tsk tsk.)

ah, the beauty of having real friends. they gave me a hard knock on the head. i mean, this was just a hypothetical question raised to me... but it carried the harsh truth. yup, it was harsh, hurtful even... pero what can i do diba? things seem to fall on that place. kahit paikutin pa ntin ng mraming beses, all these would boil down to your relationship with your girlfriend and my being the "extra" in the picture. i know, you didn't mean for that to happen. at tulad ng sabi ko knina, it is out of my bounds. im not in the position to demand anything kasi wla nman to. and besides, im not that type of person. kaya nga before things get blown up to grave proportions e, im settling things with you na.

i remember you saying that i should be consistent with my aggressiveness... kung kaya ko sa writing, i should be able to do the same vocally. i'm sorry. i felt that by writing this epic-like email... i'd be able to pour out what truly is within me. don't worry, i won't leave you hanging. i'll settle this with you rin personally. pra naman maayos diba? hehe. pero un lng, i just opted to write things down pra mas maayos ang thoughts ko... kasi baka magmukhang sabog kung diretso verbal confrontation na. plus, this would help you reflect on our "friendship"... diba,i'm helping the both of us here.

i wouldn't want you to interpret all these into just one predicament... hindi ito ang classic na... "siya ba or ako" situation. you have mentioned that you are entitled to your happiness. but please be fair to both parties. fix things with your girlfriend. be honest with her. i know, it's easier said than done. but by keeping things from her, you're putting little cracks in your relationship. it wouldn't seem the perfect "us" (you and her) that you'd want. alam ko that with me, being friends with you-and you telling me how you feel towards me...you've somehow put a taint on your relationship. i wouldn't want to think that i'm the antagonist here. i don't want your pumpkin to loathe me. basta, hindi ako nghuhugas kamay. i've somehow spent time with you... medyo nag-invest na rin ako ng emotions. and i didn't tell you coz i wouldn't want things to grow coz it wouldn't be right. i'm not saying that i'm giving way. coz what's there to give? basta, be honest with her. un lang ang msasabi ko. i wouldn't want to be the culprit... mahirap nang mabalikan ng "karma". please be responsible. i know that you are. that's what i liked about you. responsible ka... in terms of your family. and i hope that this trickles down to the way you handle your relationships.

advice yan as a friend. hindi ako nagpapaka-martyr. i just feel that i should lay things out in the open. masakit man or whatever. ayaw ko rin na masayang ang friendship natin. you've somehow gained my trust. you were among the people i consider family. kayo ang mga tao na vina-value ko. and i wouldn't want the things we've started to be thrown away. sayang naman.
so please, be responsible. think that in this predicament... three people are involved. you and pumpkin... and me. hehe. you said you'd be careful with the way you'd deal with me. you wouldn't want me to get hurt. well, that's inevitable. it's part of it. but i'd readily take it. coz you are my friend... and i wouldn't want my friend to feel troubled. sabi nila, grabe tlga daw ako mgvalue ng friendship. that's me. if i consider you my friend, i'll go leaps and bounds for you. and i want you to know that i'd do that for friendship's sake. i know, i sound too sappy already. but that's how i am.

basta, what do i expect to gain from this out-pouring of emotions. that you wouldn't take advantage of it. hehe. lugi nako dito. you've somehow seen the real person that i am. wla lng. i felt kasi that i've somehow been held liable for the turn of events.. kaya ito. let's be of help to each other. i'm not saying that you'd drop your girl just so you could be with me. again, mukha akong kontrabida kapag nangyari un... that it was all of my fault for getting into the picture at the wrong time. (haaay. some things are just hard to explain db? you said that i shouldn't ask why and how you feel that towards me... coz it's just how it is. period.)

sinabi ko ang nafi-feel ko dahil gusto kong maging honest sayo. in fairness to the sincerity that you've shown me. pero un nga, i've mentioned that this is not about choosing who you'd want to be with. but it's about the three individuals involved. people separate from each other. kung ano man ang verdict mo... the person that they are would be affected. actually, depende na lng sa personality ng tao ang pag-deal non. SO PLEASE BE RESPONSIBLE. i know, i sound like a broken record already. but that truly is the bottom line in this. kahit mukhang sexist, it's you who truly holds the ball in this game. so,please be fair, okay? sana rin mature ang mga tao in the way they'd deal with this predicament.

Yun lng. now that you know what i think... i somehow feel like i've heaved a heavy sigh off my chest. parang may tinik na alis sa aking dibdib. parang naalis ang troubled thoughts ko. Now, i can clearly say that i have done my part. I can tell that little voice that i've listened to His counsel. that i didn't give in to the "beauty" that our situation can come about. it was truly tempting, "a picture of you and me together"... but it wouldn't be right and it wouldn't feel right. It's against my will to be with the person for the darn sake of it... it would be unfair to both parties.

Alam ko, baka nasho-shock ka... where do i gain this much thinking. ang bata ko pa. ganyan tlga. i may seem naive in terms of relationships. at wala rin akong experiences na paghuhugutan... but all i know is that i have a Big God Who'll never leave me... and let me slip on things just like that. Having a relationship with Him.. may free will. He let's you know of the consequences, but it still depends on the person if He'd choose the right path or not. Well, i opt to do the right thing. and only God knows what would come out of it. I would want to preserve the friendship that we've started kaya ko to ginagawa. I'm protecting my heart from any possible heartaches.

i did spend eons just to muster the courage to say these things to you. to put the right words. and lay my thoughts and feelings flat out. i was truly honest (o diba. true na honest pa!) and sincere with every word that have come out of my mind (hindi mouth kasi written to. haha). i hope that you'd be the same. do reflect on things. reflect. ponder.

oopsie.
didn't mean to cause eyestrain. admit it. you were too glued to let go.
aha! im right, right?

on THE day...

just when the whole world is celebrating a rather tacky event. im here sitting in front of my desktop clicking words away. hmmm. what a way to celebrate V-day. great. just great.

scenario 1: i'm greeting you "happy valentines" because i think you're special...

hmm. special? as in parang siopao na may itlog na pula? or to make it sosyal, ice cream with cherry on top?!?

i didn't mean to be mean but i think it's just a wee bit weird that people do go out of their way just so they could express much love on this celebrated day.

i just think that it's a bit unreasonable to do such a thing. i never really saw the 14th as an occasion worth-celebrating for (something similar to Christmas, New Year's, or what not).
okay. i may sound cynical, but i'm just being realistic here. if we would want to celebrate love, why do we have to choose a single day to do it?!? when we have 365 full days to express them!!! i hope you do get my point.

kung gusto mo tlgang ipahiwatig ang pagmamahal mo sa isang tao... why do you have to wait for the 14th of february? para sa akin, mas special pa nga if you'll make the person feel loved out of sheer spontaneity. random acts of love. simply done. yet it comes from the most sincere part of the heart. aack. cheesy.

bottom line: if you think someone's special. let that person feel it. the whole year round:D


scenario 2: how does it feel to be with us on Valentine's day?

"bakit nandito ka lng? wala kang date? sa ganda mong yan? naku. pobreng bata.
yung iba ngang di kagandahan may date, tapos ikaw wala. "

one of my male colleagues told me that. hehe. i didn't mind. i had far more important things to do.
and it's not that no one invited me. well, someone did. kaya lng, i was too busy kasi kaya un.

this was his invitation: "i would really love to talk to you tonight, but it seemed impossible. maybe some other time. if there's a chance..."
i'm so sorry. it was pretty obvious that i was too preoccupied. i'm leaving the next day for an activity :(

okay. i didn't sulk the whole day. i went out with my colleagues for late dinner and drinks. tambay lng at the local hang-outs. it's cool to celebrate the day with a group. i had the chance to bond with the people i don't usually hang with:D

endless chatting. joke swapping. tummy-aching laughing. food munching. silly dancing.
we had so much fun. celebrating the night as if there's no tomorrow:D

they dragged me to join them in a circle. everyone was dancing. hehe. i love dancing. but i felt that it wasn't time for them to find out. so i was standing there. moving my body in limited motion. acting shy. well, i was shy. i'm not yet that comfortable with everyone in the group.

then the music shifted. soft, sweet melody was bolting out of the speakers.

the guy who dragged me to the dance floor was stretching his arm, asking if i could dance with him...
then he caught a glimpse on another figure and gave way...

it was him. the same person who asked if i could join him for the night.
i was a bit hesitant. a tad apprehensive. i can feel several eyes were darted to our direction.

"don't mind them. just think that it's just you and me... feeling the music"

he grabbed my hand. placed it on his shoulder. he wrapped his arms around me.
seems like a scene out of a cheesy romantic movie.

it felt awkward. people were watching. i'm not used to this. i jerked a bit. i told him that i don't feel like dancing. sweetandslow. he held on my hand tightly. i told him that i don't really feel like dancing.
and headed my way back to the group. back to our table. (bummer? on his part. i think.)

everyone wondered. that was fast. and someone even said this...

"wala yan sa music. kung gusto mo ang kasayaw mo, magsasayaw kayo kahit na ano pa ang tugtog..."
good point. i'm sorry. i didn't mean to be rude or anything. i was just not up for some slow dancing :

as the night was getting deeper. everyone was starting to have weird, quirky thoughts. kulitan to the max.
i didn't expect that i'd be put on the spot. i was on the hotseat!!! i was being processed by a colleague who was not much of a talker. i didn't know that he had a knack for probing on people's lives. and in fairness to him, he asks good questions. ala boy abunda on the buzz. hehe.

his way of questioning left me hanging. i mean, i was stuttering. i didn't know what to reply. all ears and eyes were on me. i can feel that i was flushed. shuxxx. it was so embarrassing:(

it was all about valentine-related queries. oh well.


scenario 3: will you marry me?!?

whoa!!! hold your horses, sweetie! what was that about?!?

"i have 5 witnesses before me. i want you to answer this question, will you marry me?"
was that supposed to be a joke?!? coz it ain't funny anymore. maybe you've had too much alcohol.

well, you've asked about my plans in life. getting married is one of them.
but don't you think that i'm still young to actually tie the knot?!?
i haven't been in a serious relationship, let alone get married!

flashback...
if someone would ask you to marry him, say, when you're 23... what would be your response?
23 is still too young for me, maybe when i'm 25 or older. then, i'll be ready.

we've talked about this. i was serious when i said that marriage was the farthest thing from my mind right now. it entails tons of commitment.
it truly is something big for me, i don't want to be hasty for it would put my life on the line.
and yours too. and the family that would come out of it.

if you're seriously considering me to be your wifey, you'd have to waaaaaiiitttt far longer than that, honey!

note to self: don't jump into things quickly. married life is complicated. far more complicated than you think it is. fulfill the things you truly aspire. you may not have the same chance once you've said, "I do"

"scary" thought

lately, my family's been calling more often than they usually did.
i'm beginning to wonder...

do they really miss me that much? OR maybe they're sensing something... hmmmm.

it was fun actually. my dad was super excited. i can feel that everyone's soooo eager to share their own piece.

I love LOVE LOOOOVE GETTING UPDATES!!!:D

latest news: MY TITA (who's about my age by the way) GOT MARRIED THIS WEEKEND.

thoughts on this: hmmm. personally, i think they're too young to get married. i mean, the couple just graduated from college. are they really up for the challenge of a married life?!? well, they can be financially ready. both hailed from well-off families. but were they really sure of what they're getting in to? i know. i have no right to be nosy on other ppl's lives. i'm sorry. but then again, can you ever be ready to tie the knot? people can be well over their calendar age yet they still couldn't put together a harmonious "unit". oopsie. no pun intended. i'm just stating facts here. so what made me think that this young couple couldn't pull it off? hmmm. well, let's just pray that they could.

maybe, i'm just using my own ideals. I admit. I am tad bit idealistic. I want things to be perfect. Well, close to perfect before it could truly come through. I couldn’t see myself marrying someone in the spur of the moment. Well, that could be exciting, but it wouldn’t feel right. I believe that marriage is a life-long commitment that you’d have to prepare your WHOLE life for. Saying, “I do” to someone means your willing to share everything with him, no matter what. “I do” entails a lot of responsibilities. It means building a family and keeping it. You have to truly love everything about it. Every cinch of it. Just so you could hold on until it lasts. Sounds sappy? I know. But I would want my bond with my best half to be like that. Too good to be true? Perhaps. I didn’t say that I’d do it on my own. Of course, with God’s grace all these things can happen. Unveiled one beauty at a time. I can say that I am idealistic because I believe that God is preparing my man. He may not be the best guy there is… but God knows he’s gonna be my best. I’m in no hurry. I’m only twenty-one for crying out loud. I’ve never even been in a serious relationship. (haha. I sound like a broken record already. Forgive me.) I would patiently wait for the day when God finally puts a wonderful ending to a love story He’s craftily written...*sigh*


get this: MY DAD HAS MOTHER’S INSTINCT?!?

Yesterday. While we were talking on the phone. In the middle of chisms update, my dad asked me the question. Actually, I didn’t see that one coming. Hmm.

“Anak, baka may boyfriend ka na diyan? Remember. We would always find out.”

Is it possible that my parents are sensing something?
Hmmm…And my dad specifically?
How surreal. So in response, I told dear daddy this…

“Ngek. Daddy, pwede ba? Wala pa yan sa isip ko.” *me laughing nervously*

Come on. I didn’t lie to papa spaz. I told him the whole truth and nothing but IT.
I was honest when I told him that I DO NOT HAVE A BOYFRIEND. Coz I truly don’t have any. Well, there’s this guy at work that’ve told me he’s interested. But we’re just friends. Yes, as showbiz as it may sound, we indeed are friends. And that’s it. (but I’m not closing my door to possibilities… haha. Humirit daw ba?!? Let’s just say, “dearie, not now. Hmm. Maybe a few years from now would do.” – open-ended ang drama diba?)
But I was serious when I said that that’s the farthest thing from my mind. I feel that it’d be unfair to whomever if I’d get into a relationship for the darn sake of it. I don’t want to toy with people’s emotions. I believe that it’s gonna come back in greater magnitude. Ngak. Scary. Bad karma. Sowing and reaping. Tsk tsk.

Don’t think that I’m some kind of a cynical bitch. Who’ve sworn to loathe on love (and the thought of it) forever! I love love. It’s such a sweet feeling. Makes you look at the brighter side of life… it need not only be the romantic facet. I love it in every sense of the word. Keeps us alive. Aack. I sound like a member of the Moulin Rouge cast (what do you call that group again? The one where Ewan McGregor belongs to… those who believe in truth, beauty, and love?)

so, what am i driving at exactly?

well, let's just say. i am one hell of a hopeless romatic wanna-be.
a girl who doesn't want to admit that she'd love to be IN LOVE.

MAYBE i'm just waiting for the right guy to come along.

and to me he's someone who'd ...

sweep me off my feet through sweet yet simple things that he'd do
put up with my mood swings.
love me for who and what i am. cliche. i know.
be part of the family (the HUGE clan) that i truly love. this is so sooo important to me.
someone who would help me grow and know more of God. as we grow and know more of each other. aah, my God-written love story ^_^


perhaps you're ears had been bleeding because of my overflowing sappiness. forgive me.
maybe this is just one of those Valentine blues or reds? haha.

oo na. pang-ilang Valentine ko na ba tong single?
scary thought. sana hindi umabot ng 20 years. haha.

a friend's predicament...

Great. just great.
Just when V-day is just around the corner.
A friend had emailed me this long letter. venting her feelings. asking how to work on things.
Did she go to the right person? why me of all people? I've never been that involved to any kind of relationship. i'm just as clueless as she is...

What would you do if you were in the same predicament?
(note: names have been concealed to protect the bearer's identity. excerpts from what was sent me.)

this is a serious slice of the "pie". haha. oh well, i wish you'd keep an open mind. help me tlga ha? i hope you'd understand. wag mo kong sasabunin, id want someone to help me weigh things thoughtfully. salamat. coz i know that you are that person. (haha. prini-pre-empt na kita!)

oh well, where should we start?

alam mo nman diba, yung stand ko don sa "friendship" nmin. oh well. naguguluhan kc ako. i want to get to know him. kasi nga, i want to be friends with him. and nothing more than that. pero parang nagiging iba ang turn of events.

ang gulo kc ng set-up namin. we both know very well na friends kmi, but he's acting differently. haay. kasi nga ung mga kilos niya parang may meaning. well, it was pretty obvious actually, but i ddnt want to assume that there was indeed something.

then last monday, he asked me to join him for dinner. sumama ako. thinking that it was nothing. kasi nga friends nman kmi. so un. he kept asking if naiilang ako or something. well, i was a bit "ilang" pero carry lang. actually, breakthrough un kc i usually get weirded out with such meets e. ayaw ko na dalawa lng kmi ng guy, whether im interested with him or not. pero un nga, siguro i've gotten over that phase already. and hindi ko tlga siya nilagyan ng kulay.

anyway, he keeps on giving hints about "dropping the bomb".. naghihintay lang raw siya ng tamang timing. so, nung dinner na un, medyo parang sinabi na niya. na nagagandahan daw tlga siya sa akin. etc etc. and un nga, he was looking for something serious na raw. he didn't want to waste his time na raw on meaningless relationships. basta, mga ganyang bagay. (can you see what im driving at?) so prang ako, im just listening to a friend's predicament. i kept on nodding to show him that i get what he means. kasi to me, everything seems like "sharing" lang. malay ko ba na ako na pala ang pinapatamaan niya? hehe.

anyway, come wednesday. we had a "sit-down meeting".. hehe. while i was waiting for my roommate. so nagkwentuhan lng kmi. don na tlga niya sinabi that he likes me very much. and that he's attracted to me. etc etc. and he doesn't care if i feel the same way or not. what's important raw is that he's told about it. he's let it out of his chest. kasi raw he can't go on pretending that there's nothing when it's very obvious that there's something. and sana raw, hindi ako mailang or hindi magbago ung friendship now that he's dropped the bomb. (well, on my end nman. wala akong nasabi. prang natulala ako bigla. ewan ko kung bakit.) so un, nga pla, sinabi niya... na prang hindi naman daw kami "pwede" since nasesense nman daw niya na hindi mutual, tpos colleagues kami, and that may "sabit" .. may girlfriend siya. but he added that he's been thinking, and he's liable to his own emotions especially that he's not yet married. parang ganon.. he has the right to his own happiness.

well, parang breakthrough ulit. kasi usually, when guys tell me about their feelings, i tend to veer away from them. as in, iiwas na tlga ako. but with him, prang wla lng nangyari. parang wala akong narinig. parang normal lng. i don't know if that's a good thing or what.

tpos just last night, he invited me again for "bonding" we went to the beach. so un, ngkwekwentuhan lng kmi. then he said that my close friends confronted him raw. they asked him kung ano daw ba tlga. they told him that if ever he'd hurt me or scar my emotions, sila ung makakatapat niya. but he said that he wouldn't want to hurt me kaya nga he's being careful. pero un, inulit niya that he likes me very much. and if God wills, mga 3-4 years from now, baka raw pde na kaming maging kami (or at that, get married raw). basta, as of now, kinikilala pa niya ako. he wants to be close to me, to know more things about me. parang inaaral pa niya ako. something like that.

well un. lng. i honestly can't collect much from my thoughts. pero un, on my end, he asked about what i think. at hindi na nman ako nkasagot. he said that he didn't want to assume that i feel the same way raw. pero i bet, nasesense niya un. kasi may parang certain awkwardness. parng ganyan. pero sweetie, honestly, i havent told him anything. he doesn't have a zilch of a clue about how i feel towards him. should i tell him? sabi ng iba, wag ko raw munang sabihin. but i think im being unfair with him. pero fear ko rin that if id tell him, mpapabilis ang mga bagay. ayaw ko non. im not even ready for anything. ini-enjoy ko lng muna ung friendship.

pero parang weird ang friendship nmin. meron ba nmang friends na nghohold hands? umaakbay? mga ganyan? ewan ko tlga why i let him do that. nakakatakot. hehe. ung actions na prang pang-couples. ano ba to, pseudo-relationship. prang kayo pero hindi. oh well.

ang weird noh. don't worry sweetie.. hindi ko nman to hahayaan na mauwi sa "alam mo na".. i know my limits. and nguguluhan ako.. ayaw ko na ng masyadong touchy-feely kc he might get used to it. scary un. pero at the same time, it's comforting. ano ba. tulungan mo ako.

basta, help me. what should i do? should i tell him what i feel? or just go on like nothing was ever revealed. as for the touchiness. if id cut it off right away, mgtataka yan. and besides. ung mga "drobo" nya, it comes when it's needed. like last night, ang lamig kya he wrapped his arms around me. ewan. he likes to hold my hand lang. he was playing with it when we were sharing stories. mga ganyan. ngek. weird. so weird.

kung nbabaduyan ka. sorry. nababaduyan rin ako. hindi ko na nga lng siniseryoso e. kc if id be serious, mas babaduy. basta, basically, un ung issues ko.. and i would want to hear what you think.

please. please. pray for me. that id have the strength. i'll pray for you too.
_______________________________________________________

so, what would you do if you were in her shoes?
grabe naman. ang hirap ng mga ganyang bagay:(

maybe that's why i'm still uninvolved... to this day.
traumatic:(
me. shivering. *scary thoughts. go. away.*